Plastic parts

Story written by Invisible Heroine on Friday 4, February 2011

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Description
short story-ish hope you like (: (***Careful theres some cussing in this, sorry)

Overall Rating: 85.68%

This writing has been rated by 5 members, resulting in a rating of 85.68% overall. Below is a breakdown of these results:

Concept/Plot:85.2%
Imagery:88%
Spelling & Grammar:81%
Flow/Rhythm:87.4%
Vocabulary:86.8%
Hot liquid stung at my eyes threatening to fall at any moment, I quick ducked into a bathroom stall cutting off a girl who had been in line for the next open toilet. I sat down and pulled out a compact mirror from my backpack to look at myself. Not only was my dark hair falling out of the braid I had put it in that morning but my cheeks were bright red, my face was blotchy, and I was panting un evenly. Breath I ordered myself, you can't do this here, now, there are too many people here waiting for you to leave. Get yourself together, now. I wiped my eyes for any tears that I might have escaped, careful not to smudge my perfectly applied makeup. As I scurried out of the crowded bathroom I saw the girl I had cut off flip me the bird. I swung open the heavy wooden bathroom door and was immediately face-to-face with Katie Anderson. She smiled a perfect smile, her perfect teeth perfectly white and straight. She reaches out and embraces me in a hug that I was not prepared for. The fucking bitch. -So, you ready for Wong's test, cause I am sooo not! She giggled a fake laugh and flipped her bleached hair back. I wonder when she's gonna tell me, or maybe she convince Jesse to do it, or maybe they're both cowards and they'll pretend for the next five months until I move, that their not doing it with each other behind my back . I want to bash Katie's plastic head into the thick heavy door, I want to crash Jesse's tricked out SUV into on coming traffic. But I don't. I plaster on the face Katie and everybody else is expecting to see. -"Shit! There's a test today? I totally spaced, I'm so screwed!" Even though I studied "I'll see you at lunch, kay?" -Kay Kay she replied Love ya Hun She makes me want to puke. I round the corner and hurry up the flight of stairs to my 4rth period. Crap, today just isn't my day is it? I try and sneak behind a couple of large football players so Jesse doesn't see me. Too late, Jesse in all his blonde glory struts over. I don't blame Katie for lusting after Jesse practically every girl in school does. He's a good 5' 10" maybe 6 foot, blonde hair, perfectly lean muscular body, designer clothes, expensive car, football star, basketball star, baseball star, swim star, and in all honors class. He is the cream of crop, the Man. Being the shallow stud he is, and when he gets to me he wraps his arm around my waist roughly and crushes his mouth against mine. I'll admit he's a good kisser, but the fact that I saw him squishing his same mouth against Katie not ten minutes ago makes hot bile start to crawl out of my stomach and into my throat. Before it can actually get to my mouth, I ease myself away from him. Jesse looks at me like I'm an alien, because I denied him. I don't want to confront him about it right now, in font of everybody, so I lean in and plant a quick kiss on his cheek. -I'll see ya after school maybe, kay? I tell him in my most 'Every things alright' voice The big jerk buys it and smiles a lop sided smile that I'm sure he practices in the mirror -Okay babe (did I mention that I loathe pet names) see you then He goes in for another kiss, which I avoid by ducking away. Before I go into 4rth period I take out my iPod and thread my headphone wire underneath my jacket. I hit shuffle and a familiar song begins to play.
As you bite my lip Blood pours to your mouth It was "just a kiss" I say as poison goes down
   

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Comments

    Not to bad, there are some spelling and punctuation problems, and you need to double space your paragraphs.

    On the plus side, it is an enjoyable start.

    I hope you continue it. Nicely done.
    As BoneyG said, you should double space to make it easier to read and correct the spelling and punctuation mistakes.

    Other than that, I really enjoyed it. I'd like to read more.
    You need to paragraph, clear up your spelling mistakes and you have a few missing words here and there too.

    You could go in many directions with this but concentrate on the detail and delivery of your story for a while; perfect that and then move on to the next part.

    Well done.
    A good teen story; you capture the feeling nicely.
    Some things need fixing. For example:

    'I quick ducked into a bathroom stall cutting off a girl who had been in line for the next open toilet.'

    should be:

    'I quickly ducked into a bathroom stall, cutting off a girl who had been in line for the next open toilet.'