Warnings In The Wind

Thriller written by boneyg on Sunday 26, December 2010

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Description
A short, about a man obsessed, and a woman who recieves help from the most unlikely of sources.

Overall Rating: 89.04%

This writing has been rated by 5 members, resulting in a rating of 89.04% overall. Below is a breakdown of these results:

Concept/Plot:92%
Imagery:90.8%
Spelling & Grammar:83.8%
Flow/Rhythm:88.4%
Vocabulary:90.2%
She is beautiful, exqiusite really, at least that's what he tells his friends. She wants him, she needs to be with him. She just needs a little push in the right direction. And that's why he has come here tonite. Thats why he sits outside her window; if she could see him surely she would feel the attraction, the need that he feels to be together. The curtains at her bedroom window are closed. But the window itself is open just enough so that when the breeze catches it just rite, the curtains blow open for a few seconds, giving him a momentary glimpse inside. There's a storm coming, with lots of wind behind it. Making him believe that even The God's want this to happen. He waits patiently for her to enter the room, to see him standing there. She just needs a glimpse than surley she'll feel the same rush he felt the first time he saw her. He waits. The wind blows. Curtain opens. The room is empty. He waits. The wind blows twicw more, nothing. The room remains empty. Five minutes pass, ten, now fifteen. Finally the wind, the curtain, a shadow on on the wall just outside her room, this is it. The wind dies the curtain closes. Five maybe ten seconds pass, the curtain blows open. No, there is a man standing at the foot of her bed wearing only a towel. Who the hell? Brother, it has to be her brother. The curtain closes. Seconds later later, a slight breese, just enough for him to see her standing in the doorway, a towel is the only thing covering her otherwise naked body. The next time the curtain opens she still stands in the doorway, but this time she is no longer wearing the towel. He continues to watch as she begins to walk towards the bed. Curtain closes. He falls to his knees heart broken, no longer interested in the goings on of the bedroom. He now sits beneath the windowsill, resting his back upon the house. He begins to weep. "How could she do this to me?" He continues to weep, until he hears her begin to moan in ecstasy. The strong stench of sex rides a breese out the window and dances under his nose. His sobs quickly turn to rage. "THAT BITCH! How can she flaunt her infidelity in my face so blatantly!" He must make her pay. But even in his rage he still knows his limitations; there is no way he'll be able to overpower the stranger. So he decides wait where he is until the man leaves. Three hours and two more rounds of sex pass before she finally walks the man to the door. She kisses him deeply, says goodnite, and locks the door. She stops in the living room and takes in the breeze blowing thru the window, normally on a night like tonite she would close all of the windows in her house for fear of the comming storm, but she is far too exhausted. And quite frankly she is enjoying the strong gusts of wind blowing throughout her entire house. As she begins to walk to her bedroom, a breeze floats by he ear that sends a shockwave up her spine. Inside the breeze she could have swore she heard a slight whisper. [alt]Be careful.[/alt] Impossible, she decided to chalk it up to exhaustion and continued to her bedroom. After slipping into her pajamas she slid under the covers. A breeze rustled he blankets, then another. A third brushes back her hair and delivers a spinetingling message. [alt]He's watching you.[/alt] At that moment she hears rocks shifting outside her bedroom window. She immediately transitions herself into a sitting position, looks towards the window, the curtains blow open and she sees him standing there. The curtain closes. When they open seconds later, he is gone.
   

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Comments

    Okay; a good story, with, in places, some great imagery.

    There are some fairly obvious speel and punctuation errors, that have the effect of interrupting the narrative flow slightly. This is easily fixed.

    On page two, about halfway down, you seem to switch tenses, from the present to past; this is disconcerting.. I suggest a re-write of the last section.

    A very good tale, well told.
    Making him believe that even The God's want this to happen. - This should be 'the gods.'

    Also, BOOB! BOOM! - Try 'BOOM BOOM!'

    A lot of small, easy fixes, like Verm says.

    A good, thrilling tale, well told.
    This is a good story. Nicely done albeit some minor errors. It was a good read for me. Smile
    The obvious has been pointed out. Good story.
    Very good story.

    Very spooky, gripping. Just listen to the wise ones above & it will be a great story.

    I really enjoyed this.
    This is an outstanding story and enjoyed it a lot.