Geomatry Class

Story written by Invisible Heroine on Tuesday 9, November 2010

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Description
A short story about my night half fiction half non- fiction

Overall Rating: 84.066666666667%

This writing has been rated by 3 members, resulting in a rating of 84.066666666667% overall. Below is a breakdown of these results:

Concept/Plot:86.666666666667%
Imagery:87.666666666667%
Spelling & Grammar:80%
Flow/Rhythm:81%
Vocabulary:85%
Gray's hair was mostly dry from her shower but was still cool, she took the pearl colored bottle of frizz-ease off of her dresser and thoroughly ran the ream through her wavy dirt brown hair, she'd also acquired some sun induced blond highlights over the summer. Gray sight her hair was going to be a pain in the ass tomorrow morning to flat iron. After she was done running her fingers through her newly cleaned hair Gray went through her nightly routine, Floss, Brush teeth, put lotion on legs and arms, take off all make-up, wash face, and lastly put on moisturizer. The entire deal took about 35 minutes. When Gray was finally done she glanced at her alarm clock by her bed, 10:00p.m. It flashed in dim blue lights. Gray once again sighed; she knew what she had to do. She shuffled her way to her bed and flopped down on her poorly made bed with a floral patchwork quilt made entirely if pastel colors, a pink fuzzy blanket underneath, and lastly a sheet with fairies and princess all over it, her black and silver sheets were in the laundry. Gray grabbed her canvas backpack and pulled it onto her bed with her. It was quite heavy with her regular binder, photography binder, two three subject notebooks, a new book she had gotten from the library yesterday, her metal pencil case, her math book, and her social studies book all shoved into it, no wonder the seams of her new backpack were coming undone. As Gray reached into her backpack to grab her torn and harshly used history book (she needed to study, she had a test the next day on the unit her class had just covered on the Muslim Empire, and Gray didn't understand any of it,) she noticed her geometry book. Did we have homework? What did we even do today in class? She wondered. Gray slowly went through her day, arriving to school waaay early because all the clocks at her dad's house were completely wrong, going to the library to re-turn a book, get a new book, really just to waste time, leaving with just enough time to meet her best friend, Cora, at her locker, passing her former best guy friend without him even noticing her, her feeling so suddenly feeling so sick that Gray was considering leaving school now and slinking back to her mom's house, where everyone would be asleep. Gray fast forwards in her head, just mindless chatting with people with people who wouldn't even remember her name at the end of the day. Stop. Play. Third period Geometry. Gray walks in, early only because he second period, French, Is near by. Takes her assigned seat in the back where nobody will notice nor talk to her. Gray pulls put her binder and leafs through old papers, just so she looks busy. People file in through the door and take their seats, but Gray only notices one. Brandon O'Daniel. Gray takes a deep breath in as if she's lost all air, like he stole it from her. Brandon is casually chatting with a friend of his, as he sits in his chair his head turns slightly and he looks her in the eyes. Gray's face ignites and turns a bright pink, her skin feels like its on fire, she dips her head, her hair falling in her face, and looks back at the old, worn biology papers she got back last week. The bell rings signaling that class is starting and that we're not kids anymore, we're students. But that day, that's not what happened. When the bell rang, everyone looked at the door, waiting for their alien leader teacher to walk in and tell them what to do, and how to do it. But nobody came through the door, so the kids remained kids. Gray remembers herself thinking How come we have to be on time when they don't? Why don' they get tardies? Hahahahaha would a teacher get detention because of three tardies just like the students?Gray back on her bed thinks slowly because things start to get blurry. The teacher finally enters the classroom, apologizes for her tardiness, she goes to the board.... Fuck Gray exhales, she can't remember anything. She tries again. This time instead of just black, her mind greets her with images of Brandon, the way he looked yesterday in the classroom. The way he never sits forward, always turned sideways so he can talk to his friends. The way hi hair color is one shade darker than her own, with the same amount of sun dyed highlights. His perfect side swept bangs, slightly spiky hair, with a hint of messy, all slacker. A face that's not flawless, making it flawless. Eyes that say Brandon is not just white, but some other culture that didn't quite get through in his genes. Gray remembers her and Brandon making eye contact several times throughout class, each time making Gray look like a little girl with a face the color of a fire truck. After the fifth or sixth time of making eye contact and slight smiles, after enough embarrassment, Gray decides not to look up anymore, keep her eyes on her book. Gray back on her bed, her own face light up just remembering Brandon's...beauty, thinks about the math book that she looked at for the rest of the class period. But its' blank, nothing. God Damnit! This is why I have C's! I need to focus! Even though C's were actually not that bad in reality, and it was only first quarter; it's semester grades that count, Gray couldn't help but feel... disappointed when she saw that she had two B's, one C+, and three C's. Gray laid her head on her bed. There wasn't really anything she could do about it, the quarter ended already; she would just have to deal with her parents. Grays mind flashed back to Brandon and the way sunlight shined on his hair. She wondered what he had done to get those sunlight's, if he cared about getting C's. Gray shook her head. "No!" she said allowed and hoped nobody was awake in the house to hear her talking to herself, "I need to study, and I can not get a bad grade on this History test!" Gray shoved the geometry book back into her backpack, and her memories of Brandon into the back of her brain. She could dream about him tonight, but she was busy right now.
   

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Comments

    I have a sneaky feeling that this may be more than a little biopic?

    It's a good read, but not the easiest. It would benefit from a clean-up, and some paragraphing.

    Well, done, it's good.
    Needs some work. Besides what Verm pointed out it is far too choppy as written. There's no real flow to this. I urge you to re-write this, taking your time, and editing it as revised.

    You have too many one word exclamations and points. You need to use semi-colons in these places. I'm sure a revisision would read a lot better. Looking forward to that.
    Well, Don and Verm nailed it.

    Now, a good plot, and you capture the young woman's feelings nicely. Clean it up. Double-space the paragraphs, fix the spelling, grammar, and punctuation, and you will have a great short story here.
    Kaylee, we really mean it. Re-do this, please. if you need help, you need only ask.
    Nobody starts out as a great writer, it takes a lot of practice. Listen to everybody, they're only trying to help you improve.
    Side note:something I noticed is that you tend to change tenses a lot. Try to keep an eye on that, it can really distract the reader from the story.
    Don- Actually some help would be great, I'm not the best write and most of my stuff is spur of the moment. I'm also not that great of an editor
    Kaylee, check your in box.