The Depot Darling.

Romance Story written by Rob Kosy on Sunday 17, October 2010

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Description
Not really a romance, but something along the lines of a women's magazine.

Overall Rating: 92%

This writing has been rated by 5 members, resulting in a rating of 92% overall. Below is a breakdown of these results:

Concept/Plot:94.2%
Imagery:92.4%
Spelling & Grammar:88.4%
Flow/Rhythm:91.8%
Vocabulary:93.2%
"Our runaway jar's almost full, gorgeous. You got your bags packed?" Any time on any day would be too early for Gerald and his nonsense, and after one of the booziest, lewd, downright dirty Sunday nights I can remember, today is a country mile away from an exception. "Almost, Love Tub" I reply, relishing the wince at the reference to his recent weight gain, "just the crotch-less undies to go." Gerald's eyes light up brighter than if I'd gifted him a £20 Greggs pick 'n' mix, "Oh, and something to read." I add. The changing rooms team braying down the walls of my skull, not to mention the desiccated cat turd crumbling in my throat, are encouragement enough to get rid of my personal letch quickly this morning. Of course, its never that simple; as Gerald's subsequent grin of pure cheese confirms. "Something to get you in the holiday mood?" he suggests, "Something a bit naughty, even -dare I say- rude? Jilly Cooper? Jackie Collins?" His ostentatious wink warps his face into the Spitting Image puppet version of itself and I have to reign in a chuckle. "Actually, Gerald, it's entitled Crawlers! Everything You Need to Know About Repelling Insects." Bingo! How's that for a money shot, you tosser? Just for a second the grin slips and those wide shoulders sag, "Ah, you are a one, Sandra. A rain check on part two then?" He winks, this time without the rubber-puppet parody. "Guess so, Gerald." I reply, sharply, hating to acknowledge there had even been a part one. With a parting grin he nods over my shoulder to Sam, listening diligently behind me, and strolls off down the corridor. "Creep." I mutter, taking my station next to Sam.
   

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Comments

    Wow, quite a story. You know you have some grammar mistakes but the story is really terrific.
    Rob, my freind,

    I am soooo impressed by this. Is there something you're not telling us, hmmm?

    Seriously, a totally engrossing piece, and the twist is inspired.

    Incredible. Smile
    Thank you very much Gentlemen.

    I actually wrote this for a competition after a friend urged me to.

    There weren't many rules other than submissions had to be a max of 2500 words and targeted at a women's magazine.

    I thought, "Aye, why not. its something different."

    I was surprised at how much I enjoyed it. It was also the first time I've ever written anything in the present tense.

    I didn't win, by the way. But then again, it seems like no-one did. the competition has just vanished off the face of the earth.

    Don, would you mind letting me know what the errors were? I know that's a weakness of mine and I have been working on it. Its never been a strong point but I'm trying to make it, at least, respectable.

    Thanks, guys.
    "Guess so, Gerald." I reply,

    "Creep." I mutter, taking my station next to Sam.

    "Oh you should see him, Sam" I say


    You need commas after the dialogue here.(Unless the rules are different in England, and they may be)
    Thanks, Don. I think the rules are different, but I'm not 100% sure. I will check, though.

    Cheers, Don.
    Some punctuation errors.

    Great story. Nicely done. The gold thong on both men was a great touch!
    Wow; very very good Rob! This thoroughly entertained me all the way through!! Smile
    desiccated cat turd crumbling in my throat - best line ever!!!
    VERY funny and utterly wonderful! Crown Prince to Crown Mince: A classic!Grin