Moonlight Shadows

Fantasy written by artemis on Monday 13, September 2010

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vampire story

Overall Rating: 87.933333333333%

This writing has been rated by 3 members, resulting in a rating of 87.933333333333% overall. Below is a breakdown of these results:

Spelling & Grammar:85.333333333333%
I twisted once more on my bed and sighed. I really hated it when I was tired but couldn't sleep. I checked the clock again. It was already 6.45 PM. Ah hell. Even if I could sleep now (and trust me I couldn't), I only had fifteen minutes before my alarm would go off and I would have to get my butt off the bed. No point in staying in bed, I decided. I stood up and rubbing my eyes I went to the arched window next to my bed and pulled one side of the heavy purple drape that was blocking even the smallest hint of sunlight from entering. I peeked out and immediately squinted my eyes hard. The school grounds were covered by a fat layer of snow. The sun had already come up on the sky and its light reflecting on the snow was quite uncomfortable for my vampire eyes. I couldn't help but admire the beauty of it though. The last time I saw the world under the bright sunlight instead of the pale moonlight was more than a month ago, when we had a secret gathering past curfew hours and we were playing truth or dare. We were at the boys' dorm then and Antony, one of our classmates, wanted to take revenge from me for the dare I've chosen for him. I'd made him kiss another guy on the mouth. So when I chose dare (cause there was no way I would choose truth and have them asking me weird, embarrassing things) he told me I had to go out at the part of the school yard the room's window was and wave at them. Of course that meant I would be in so much trouble if I was busted. Getting out of the room after 6 AM was forbidden. But school rules never stopped me for doing what I wanted to do or, in this case, what I had to do, so I went outside and thankfully nobody caught me. Thumbs up for my cool ninja hiding skills! Everything looked different under the sun. It was making me feel too exposed to any threat there could be. I let the drape fall back and went to the bathroom Meredith and I were sharing. I looked myself in the mirror above the sink and sighed. Great. I looked so totally awful. My hair, that was usually falling on my back in neat auburn waves, was now full of combs probably because of all the twisting that took place while I was having that horrific dream. My face was even paler than usual and my jade green eyes were surrounded by bags so huge I could use them to go to the supermarket. I wonder how the mirror didn't break when facing such an ugly sight. I got quickly out of my clothes and stepped into the shower to wash the grogginess away. The hot water was really stimulating and certainly helped my brain cells to start functioning again. I was just finishing my shower when I heard the alarm from the room. God, I hated that sound. And judging from the fact that it hadn't yet stopped, Meredith was sleeping quite deeply. I pulled a towel around my head and another around my body and got out of the bathroom. I slapped the alarm button to shut it and looked at Meredith. She was sprawled out on the bed, mouth hanging open and was snoring lightly. "Time to wake up, Sleeping Beauty," I said throwing my pillow at her. She groaned and looked at me through half-closed eyelids. "I hate you," she whined and covered her face with the blanket. "Come on. Go get ready. You don't want Reece to see you like that," I said laughing. She uncovered herself and gave me a terrified look before running to the mirror. I had hit a nerve. Reece was one of the cutest guys in our year. So cute he certainly qualified for the list of one of the hottest teenage guys in the USA. He was tall, well-built, and blond and had blue eyes, the color of the ocean. Typical model-like appearance. No wonder Meredith was so crazy about him. "Oh shit! I look like a dead corpse that someone brought back to life with some pretty nasty dark magic tricks!" She squealed and run to the bathroom. Jeez! Talk about imagination! And she had just opened her eyes! I sat in front of the mirror and started putting a great amount of concealer and make up on my face until I looked presentable enough to get out of the room. I dried my hair and started straightening them with the iron when Meredith came out of the bathroom. "Parties rule, hangovers suck!" she said and rushing to my side she started hiding any proofs of the sleepless night we had. "It's ridiculous! We should look astonishingly perfect at any time! I mean, come on! We are vampires! I shouldn't have to put up a fight against my hair to brush them every morning and it's just wrong for vamps to have black circles! Hasn't God heard any of the stories humans made up about us before creating us?" "How you can put words together to make such long sentences only seconds after you wake up, will always be a huge mystery to me," I said not in the mood to join her paranoia so early in the night. True, the shower had done a good job waking up my brain cells but not that good. Meredith smiled at my reflection on the mirror and shook her head. I must have looked really miserable while I was struggling to straighten my hair cause she said, "Come on, let me help you, Miss grumpy jungle girl," and took the iron from my hands. I rolled my eyes at her "jungle" comment that was obviously referring to my untamable hair and let her work her miracles while I rested my cheek on my hand. "I would trade my soul for some caffeine right now," I mumbled sleepily. I didn't need any psychic powers to predict that today was going to be a long tiring day. [/justify]

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    The beast was crawled against a brick wall. - This should be 'The beast had crawled against a brick wall.'

    You've got a number of small errors in your writing like this; you may want to correct them.

    There is some nice dialog here; you capture teen banter pretty well. Is it because you are a teen yourself?

    All in all, not too bad. Please continue on with the next chapter.
    Yeah, of course I will correct them. Thanks. It's just that english isn't my native language so sorry about those mistakes.

    I'm not a teen but I'm 22 so I'm not so far from it.

    Thanks for the review! I'll try to do better in the next chapter! Wink
    You're close enough to a teen for us, Smile

    This is a nice story; sort of Harry Potter meets Underworld, and Twilight. You have a talent for dialog; you just need to take a little care with with your narration.

    The English used here, is well above average, and will only get better, with practice.

    Looking forwards to the next segment; well done!
    As all my comments have been addressed, I will happily offer the one I look forward to the most: EXCELLENT WORK!