Moonlight Shadows

Fantasy written by artemis on Monday 13, September 2010

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vampire story

Overall Rating: 87.933333333333%

This writing has been rated by 3 members, resulting in a rating of 87.933333333333% overall. Below is a breakdown of these results:

Spelling & Grammar:85.333333333333%
"So?" Meredith's voice brought me back to the real world. "So what?" I asked brilliantly. "What the hell happened? Why were you screaming?" "Oh that", I said even more brilliantly and smiled apologetically. "Sorry for waking you up. It was just a nightmare." "Well, it must have been a really damn freakish one. I doubt there's one person in the whole school that hasn't heard you," Meredith said but she smiled at me as the tension left her body. "Oh, hell, yeah. You just saved my head by waking me up," I said and seeing the confused look in her eyes I added, "A werewolf just tried to bite it off!" We stared at each other and burst in laughter. I slumped back on my pillow and sighed, while Meredith went to her own bed. "I swear today's lesson had a bad influence on me," I said and Meredith rolled her eyes at me. A guy from our school had died last week. His family was murdered by a werewolf pack a few days ago and he thought that he could track them down and kill them. He was in his last year at school and overestimated his knowledge and battle skills. The vampires who went after him to stop him were too late and brought back to the school whatever piece of him they managed to find. Professor Marrow obviously thought that talking about that incident would be an effective educational way that would prevent any other similar actions and teach us a lesson about how fatal recklessness can be. But the thing is, we all knew that guy and what happened was a big tragedy for our school and a huge shock too. So that would probably explain where my nightmare was coming from. Yeah, whatever. I shouldn't let a bad dream to keep me awake all night. I had school tomorrow. Actually it wasn't practically night. It was day but what with being a vampire and don't particularly like being out in the sun, our nights and days were reversed. All those legends about vampires not being able to go out in the sun cause they would end up burned to crisps were of course ridiculous. Sunlight couldn't kill us but it was annoying as hell. Days were too bright for our likings so we preferred the pale and comfortable light of the moon. I sighed and yawned. My body felt so exhausted as if I had really taken part in a life or death marathon race with a werewolf on my heels but my mind was too restless and I doubted I would get any sleep. Meredith murmured a "goodnight" and I swear she was asleep before her head touched the pillow. I looked at my alarm clock on the bedside table and groaned. Shit, it was already 6 PM which meant I've only slept for one hour and classes were starting at 8 PM. But even though I would probably look like a zombie for the rest of the day, matching all the human prejudgments about vampires being pale, cold, undead creatures, I didn't regretted it one bit. By the way, vampires actually were paler than humans but we certainly weren't dead or undead or whatever. Anyway, the reason behind the black circles I would drag along with my zombie-like face around the school grounds tomorrow was that we had a secret pajama party for Sayomi's sixteenth birthday. She was a Japanese girl that had transferred to our school last year and had soon become one of my best friends. She was skinny, lean and really short, and her pale skin was as silky as her raven black hair. She seriously looked so much like a porcelain doll that you were afraid she would break if you hugged her too hard. Her name, which meant "night-born beauty" in English, fitted her just great, what with her being a creature of the night. It's funny how appearances could be so misleading though. She usually seemed as harmless as a kitty but piss her off or hurt her friends and the kitty would turn into a tiger in seconds. I was pretty sure she had some samurai blood running in that skinny body of hers. A smile formed on my face as I remembered how she squealed when she turned on the lights in her room and found 7 girls staring at her with such wide smiles one can only see in toothpaste commercials on TV. She was pouncing up and down like a happy puppy and made us sing the "Happy Birthday" three times so she could blow off the candles again and again. Well, like she said, we're only turning sixteen once in a lifetime, even if that is a really extended, wrinkle-free lifetime, and it's worth celebrating. So we had a really funny night with hot gossip, the delicious chocolate cake Meredith had made and lots of beers. No boys were invited to our little secret pajama party though. We would seriously get in trouble if the boys were caught in the girls' dorm, cause even though our schools were different from human schools in many matters, the whole boys-are-not-allowed-in-girls'-rooms issue was exactly the same. And thankfully, we hadn't thought of breaking that rule cause around 5 PM, Alicia Johnson, senior student and Head girl, barged into the room and called the party over. So we left Sayomi and her roommate, Celeste, and returned to our own rooms.

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    The beast was crawled against a brick wall. - This should be 'The beast had crawled against a brick wall.'

    You've got a number of small errors in your writing like this; you may want to correct them.

    There is some nice dialog here; you capture teen banter pretty well. Is it because you are a teen yourself?

    All in all, not too bad. Please continue on with the next chapter.
    Yeah, of course I will correct them. Thanks. It's just that english isn't my native language so sorry about those mistakes.

    I'm not a teen but I'm 22 so I'm not so far from it.

    Thanks for the review! I'll try to do better in the next chapter! Wink
    You're close enough to a teen for us, Smile

    This is a nice story; sort of Harry Potter meets Underworld, and Twilight. You have a talent for dialog; you just need to take a little care with with your narration.

    The English used here, is well above average, and will only get better, with practice.

    Looking forwards to the next segment; well done!
    As all my comments have been addressed, I will happily offer the one I look forward to the most: EXCELLENT WORK!