Moonlight Shadows

Fantasy written by artemis on Monday 13, September 2010

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vampire story

Overall Rating: 87.933333333333%

This writing has been rated by 3 members, resulting in a rating of 87.933333333333% overall. Below is a breakdown of these results:

Spelling & Grammar:85.333333333333%
But it sounded so human..., a little voice whispered in my head. I shook my head and took a better look at it. Human? It was anything but human. Its face was covered with fur just like the rest of its muscular body. Its lips were pulled back, wrinkling its long muzzle and revealing its white dagger-like fangs that had sunk more than once in my body. A vicious growl escape through its clenched teeth and it felt as if it pierced right through my skin and shook my whole body from the inside. Its big gray eyes were stuck on me and I swear I could see a triumphant sparkle in them. And that was what shook me up. I had the upper hand here but that monster made me almost lose my control. No. Failure wasn't an option. It would signal my death and hell, I was too young to die. But I was also curious and as usual it got the better of me. Instead of piercing through its tough skin with my blade, I walked one step closer to it and pressed it hard against its throat. It didn't move away from it nor did it take its eyes off mine, but I wouldn't let it intimidate me again. "How the hell do you know my name?" I asked in a hissing tone that would have probably scared half the guys in my class, but not him. It bared its teeth making me react immediately and press the sword harder against its throat. It didn't even flinch but instead let a weird deep sound roll in the back of its throat and escape through its teeth. It took me some seconds to realize it was actually chuckling and not planning to bite my head off. Of course biting my head off could be second on its mental to-do list after the creepy laugh. Not that it could actually do it with my sword so hard pressed against its hairy skin that I could see a small blood line under the blade... "I know a lot more than just your name..." Its creepy, too human voice stopped my mental bubble and I shivered at its words. Rage started boiling in me mixed with fear. "What do you want from me?" I growled baring my teeth in a snarl. I felt the sword vibrating as that creepy chuckling sound left its throat again and I had to force whatever control I had left not to cut its head off. "Your life" it hissed and its eyes turned dead serious. I should have pierced its throat, dry the life out of it and not let my craving for answers take over me. But by the time I realized that it was already too late. In a movement so fast I barely had time to see, the werewolf grabbed the blade with both its hands and with a strong thrust it freed it from my grip and tossed it aside. Then it made a jump at me, I hadn't thought possible, what with its broken leg and such and pushed me back. I was too slow to react and its weight had me crumpling and losing my balance. I landed hard on my back and it fell on me. Its sharp fangs were too close to my face and I wrinkled my nose at its stinky breath. My heart was beating so fast and loud I was sure it would be able to hear it, maybe even feel it. I struggled to push the beast away from me but a sharp pain pierced through my whole body. He wasn't the only one who was seriously injured from our fight. Actually, it was a miracle I could still stand on my feet. But now the fall combined with the werewolf's weight on me was making things even worse. The beast chuckled again and lowered its face next to my ear. "Rule number one, Roxanne: Never hesitate," it whispered and my heartbeats stopped as if they were preparing my body for my death. And right before its fangs close around my neck I did what every brave and skillful warrior would do in a life or death situation. I sucked in a great amount of air and screamed with all my might.

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    The beast was crawled against a brick wall. - This should be 'The beast had crawled against a brick wall.'

    You've got a number of small errors in your writing like this; you may want to correct them.

    There is some nice dialog here; you capture teen banter pretty well. Is it because you are a teen yourself?

    All in all, not too bad. Please continue on with the next chapter.
    Yeah, of course I will correct them. Thanks. It's just that english isn't my native language so sorry about those mistakes.

    I'm not a teen but I'm 22 so I'm not so far from it.

    Thanks for the review! I'll try to do better in the next chapter! Wink
    You're close enough to a teen for us, Smile

    This is a nice story; sort of Harry Potter meets Underworld, and Twilight. You have a talent for dialog; you just need to take a little care with with your narration.

    The English used here, is well above average, and will only get better, with practice.

    Looking forwards to the next segment; well done!
    As all my comments have been addressed, I will happily offer the one I look forward to the most: EXCELLENT WORK!