Moonlight Shadows

Fantasy written by artemis on Monday 13, September 2010

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vampire story

Overall Rating: 87.933333333333%

This writing has been rated by 3 members, resulting in a rating of 87.933333333333% overall. Below is a breakdown of these results:

Spelling & Grammar:85.333333333333%
[justify]Chapter 1 It's amazing how life threatening experiences can put everything into perspective. A broken arm or a shattered leg won't matter when you run or fight for your life. So, here I was, standing over the beast and ignoring the blood that was oozing from my wounds and mixing with my sweat as I raised the silver sword over my head ready to strike. The beast was crawled against a brick wall. Its chest was moving up and down in brisk and sharp pants. Not seconds ago my sword had managed a really deep slash on its chest and it was clearly too painful for it to breathe. Its right leg was sprawled out in a weird angle, clearly broken, and its dark reddish fur all over its huge body was damp with its blood. I was panting too, exhausted from the fight. The only thing that was keeping me to my legs and hadn't allowed me to pass out right next to the creature wasn't the knowledge that I was seconds away from my victory. It was pure terror. I had to kill it and do it fast. I steadied my hands on the sword's hilt and tightened my grip. Driving my sword through its skin wasn't so hard while we were engaged in the fight. It was simply the instinct of survival that had taken over my body. But giving it the final fatal blow that would suck whatever cursed life was left in it wasn't so easy. I wasn't so good at killing cold hearted. Hell! I hadn't even killed anyone before in my life. I hadn't even hurt anyone before so badly. I mean physically of course cause I've hurt some peoples' feelings pretty badly, I admit. God! What was I doing? A monster was lying on my feet and I was just standing there like a fool staring at it! I shook my head to shut my mental voice and taking a deep breath I got ready to do my duty. "Roxanne..." The sword stopped midair as the low husky voice pierced the silence that was surrounding me. I almost looked around to find out where it came from before I realized... It was the beast. I turned my eyes at it awestruck and it locked its gaze with mine. Not only did it talk, not only did it sound so human, but it also knew my name. I stared at its face too frozen to act. And while my body was as still as a statue, my mind was working like crazy. What the hell! How can it know my name? That can't be good. Maybe it was stalking me for some reason. Or maybe someone ordered it to kill me or... Okay, I really have to get a grip on myself, I thought. It didn't matter how it knew who I was. I didn't have time to waste on that. I had to do what I was trained to do. I had to stop gawking at it, drive my sword through its heart and send it to whatever hell it had escaped from. Yeah, that's what I had to do.

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    The beast was crawled against a brick wall. - This should be 'The beast had crawled against a brick wall.'

    You've got a number of small errors in your writing like this; you may want to correct them.

    There is some nice dialog here; you capture teen banter pretty well. Is it because you are a teen yourself?

    All in all, not too bad. Please continue on with the next chapter.
    Yeah, of course I will correct them. Thanks. It's just that english isn't my native language so sorry about those mistakes.

    I'm not a teen but I'm 22 so I'm not so far from it.

    Thanks for the review! I'll try to do better in the next chapter! Wink
    You're close enough to a teen for us, Smile

    This is a nice story; sort of Harry Potter meets Underworld, and Twilight. You have a talent for dialog; you just need to take a little care with with your narration.

    The English used here, is well above average, and will only get better, with practice.

    Looking forwards to the next segment; well done!
    As all my comments have been addressed, I will happily offer the one I look forward to the most: EXCELLENT WORK!