The End - Chp 3 (Rewrite)

Horror story written by aussj4link on Friday 10, September 2010

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Description
Chapter 3 of my story rewritten

Overall Rating: 90%

This writing has been rated by 2 members, resulting in a rating of 90% overall. Below is a breakdown of these results:

Concept/Plot:91%
Imagery:91.5%
Spelling & Grammar:86%
Flow/Rhythm:91%
Vocabulary:90.5%
3
The laugh was short; it made every hair on my body stand. I froze in place with a complete lack of direction. It was as if I was in a bright room knowing full well where everything was and how to navigate perfectly; then without warning the power goes out and I have no idea how to get out. I considered turning around and going back. The rain quickened; it fell harder now than ever. I actually stumbled under its increasingly impressive force and nearly fell down if not for bracing myself on the store wall to my right. I had never felt rain so powerful; it was as if someone had a fire hose blasting down on me constantly. I decided to turn back when I heard the stores door chime and felt as if going back was the worst thing I could do. I couldn't explain why I felt this way; all I knew is that this feeling was as strong as the storm, if not stronger. The sound around me was completely muffled now; all that could be heard was the roar of the torrential downpour. After a moment standing there trying to see ahead and think I decided to press on. Covering my face in the direction of the rain I could see the portion of fence connecting the store to the wall. I could no longer see the wall. The rain had created its own visibility barrier blocking everything a few yards in front of me. Even the red glow from the other side had trouble reaching me to show the way. I was unknowingly holding my breath since I heard the laugh come from the other side of the wall. I let the pent up air in my lungs out and inhaled more water than air. I gagged and covered my mouth in attempt not to make any noise. It was futile however as I couldn't even hear myself choke. I thought to being unable to even hear myself an attacker of some sort would have a great advantage over me should they attack from behind. I reached out with my right hand grabbing the wall; with my left I tucked the bat under my arm and covered my face as much as possible. I moved forward and treaded through the water that now flooded the sidewalk a foot deep. The distance rounding the corner to the wall at the back of the store was normally maybe a ten second walk. Here and now however, it seemed I had been traveling for ten minutes at least. Finally reaching the wall and fence I began to think of the possibilities of what was on the other side. The fence was just as tall as the wall and figured that was my best bet for reaching the top. I didn't know what I would find. A few ideas and hopes ran through my head; what if the red light was a police car? I could call them over here and get help. Perhaps the neighbors had some kind of emergency light that was red when the power went out. If nothing I could at least converse with them to find out anything they knew about this whole mess. Then there was the possibility the neighbor's building was on fire. Of course in this downpour however fire would have no chance unless it was an oil fire. I hoped one of the better scenarios was the case. I was tired already; I knew I was out of shape but the flurry of the storm is what drained me. I pulled my sleeves over my hands, tucked my head down and began to climb up the fence. I pulled myself up one chain link at a time until finally I could reach the top of the cinder block wall. I pulled myself up to the top with my left arm and propped myself up with the fence giving me a free hand. I used my right hand to cover my face in the direction of the storm. I spotted the source of the red glow immediately: a hole, more like a crack in the ground the length and width of a large vehicle. Inside and around the crack bright red vein like lines covered the hole. Floods of water gushed into the hole with no signs of filling. Looking over to the left I saw our neighbors building missing most of the side of the outer wall. Inside was too dark to make anything out, however several times I could have sworn shadows danced on walls inside the establishment. Looking back at the hole I thought perhaps the ground caved in and there was a large cavern below we never knew about. The in my peripheral I saw movement. To the right of the hole was something large cast in shadow. The furthest point of it moving strangely: up and down and to the side. The figure was at least as big as the crack next to it. A lightning flash lit the area briefly and it was only slightly revealed. In that instant it reminded me of a monstrous dog facing away from me. Long fur and the hind legs of a canine were revealed but the most disturbing thing was the object in front of it - flesh. Recognized immediately as human flesh I stared in awe and horror. Abruptly the beast halted its action and made one movement I couldn't detect. It was still there but something had changed; it was motionless still casted near invisibility by the night. I squinted trying my best to make out what was going on. Another flash of lightning lit the area; in that instant I saw it's dark smile. _____________________________________________________________________ Seems like I need more filler or something for this chapter, but I know if I don't end the chapter here it will sound weird later on unless I put what I had planned for 2 chapters in 1 instead. If you guys think this chapter is too short let me know and I'll try to come up with some filler of some sort for it. I haven't posted anything in a while but hopefully that should change. I've been writing a lot at work but unfortunately its been on paper, personally I'm liking my rewrite a lot better, but we wont know if its better until I post it and have you guys give me some "constructive" criticism lol.
   

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Comments

    This is much better than the original Chapter 3. I would not add anything; it's fine.

    You are painting a nice picture here; good job.

    A few minor sentence errors, but nothing serious.
    I agree with Kt; is is much better.

    You might try punctuating a little more; for emphasis.

    One example might be, instead of :


    After a moment standing there trying to see ahead and think I decided to press on. Covering my face in the direction of the rain I could see the portion of fence connecting the store to the wall. I could no longer see the wall. The rain had created its own visibility barrier blocking everything a few yards in front of me. Even the red glow from the other side had trouble reaching me to show the way.


    Try this;

    After a moment standing there - trying to see ahead, and think, I decided to press on. Shielding my face from the rain, I could just about see the portion of fence connecting the store to the wall.

    I could no longer see the wall.

    The rain had created its own visibility barrier; obscuring everything a few yards in front of me. Even the red glow from the other side, had trouble reaching me, to show me the way.


    With a little spacing, punctuation, and a careful choice of words, you can add a great deal of emphasis and drama to apiece.