Arroba: The Awakening - Chapter Eleven and Twelve.
DescriptionChapter Eleven and Twelve
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'I do not know. Inigo and the Sovereign seem to think it is a good thing but I am not convinced. It is yet another reason for them to be too interested in you. I have fretted over this constantly, I have had a hard decision to make and I fear you will hate me for all eternity if you were to know the truth of the situation.' 'Tell me Alistair, please.' He pulls the coin out of his pocket again and begins to flip it over and over again in his hand. 'The Sovereign are keen to keep me happy. They have offered me everything but once they came to the realisation that I would not be happy without you they gave me an option. To, uh' to bring you here. Now before you interrupt me I have thought about this for nearly sixty days and it always came back to the same solution. When I came and collected you today it was not to bring you here for punishment or execution, it was to bring you here to live. I do not know the semantics of it yet; I am still ordered to marry Lucille and perhaps nothing is going to change other than you will be here and we can see each other.' He finishes and I look at him with growing horror as his words sink in. Oh my Goddess. I try to think it through but all I can think is that he has caused this. He has said yes and now I will be here for the rest of my life! 'How could you?! You know how much I hate the Justice. You know how much I wanted to come here and kill them all. Why did you do it?' 'It is the only way I could see to bring you in so you could be safe. I felt your anguish Dione, I felt your pain at my leaving and I knew it would only be a matter of time before you snapped and came here to seek revenge. Then they would have killed you and I would not have had any say in that. I couldn't let them do that Dione, I just couldn't. There were already rumours of the Sovereign sending guard out to silence you if you became too much trouble. I couldn't stop that so how could I sit back and let it happen when they had given me an option. To bring you here, where you would be safe and where I could protect you.' As he finishes his voice dips into a whisper and the flipping of the coin in his hands becomes angry. I watch the coin spin into the air and land in his hand a final time and wish with everything I have that I could disappear. What can I say to that? He had meant well - if he is correct and they were going to send guard out to kill me then he might have even done me a favour but still, it reeks of selfish tendencies to me. 'Did you really do this for me or yourself' did you bring me here to stop your pain?' I whisper. 'For yours and mine, my dark light.' 'You had no right to make that decision Alistair. No right at all. You may think you can control everyone here but you do not control me or my life' never forget that!' He bows his head at me and looks very hard into my eyes. After a few moments I get up and begin pacing through the room. 'So let me get this straight. The Sovereign said to you, completely out of the blue one day, that in order to stop your anguish you could choose to bring me here and that you took time to think about it and after everything you had heard about the guard you decided what you needed to do? Have I got it so far?' He nods in response and I carry on, my voice finding momentum and a little hysteria as I go. 'But you did not find out the semantics of that agreement before hand; you just wanted me safe, so you agreed to bring me here in the knowledge that I would be safer here than in Arroba or on Earth's Realm' that about right?' He nods again but he must be able to sense my growing escapade on the horizon. 'Now I am here, for the rest of my life or even an eternity if they decide to make me immortal but you will be with your wife and I will be alone! I will have to smile day in and day out to all of these Amarians, portraying that I really want to be here, when I absolutely do not and I will have to show them respect I do not have for them. I will have to let the Sovereign 'take care of me' and love me like I'm their own. I will have to bite my tongue and be totally miserable for the rest of my life, anyway! About right Alistair?' He doesn't nod this time, he just stares patiently at me. 'You didn't think of that one did you? You didn't think for one moment that I would come here and still be unhappy. You thought your little decision making would fix it all' but I guess what is a little unhappiness compared to death, hey ALISTAIR!' I scream the last into his face and he flinches, dropping his eyes from mine. I dump myself back down on the bed and sit crunching my fingers into the bed spread around me; if I didn't restrain myself, I was going to slap him. 'When you say it like that it does sound very selfish but I swear to you, that I did it to keep you safe more than anything else. I know you will not forgive me but I had to tell you truth.' He avoids my eyes the whole time and I try to be rational, after all, the damage was done now. What can I do to change it, other than maybe getting under the Justices skin. That I can do but how I wasn't sure'yet. 'Well yes, thank you for you're honesty, at the very most Alistair.' I get up from the bed and turn away from him. I walk all the way to the other side of the room and run my fingers over the burnished frame of the only mirror in the room. I avoid my reflection in that mirror; I don't want to see how my face and eyes look right in that moment because it would just reiterate my pain to me. Reflecting back what is now a wealth of insecurities and desolation. I am now in a hole large enough to sink Arroba entirely. Quite rightfully I could be dead now and I suppose that is worse than my pain but then again, isn't death supposed to be peaceful? I now have several different people telling me long lost truths of myself, truths so unfathomable that I now feel disconnected and confused. Are they really my friends or are they the opposite; only out to gain something from me? Has Alistair given that all important answer to their 'option' because of his own pain? Did he act out of despair? Would I have done the same if there was that slightest chance I could save his life or save him from years of pain? Of course and that is the only reason behind what I say next. 'I forgive you.' It is barely loud enough but of course he hears me. I spin around and face him. He had stopped mid flip of the coin again; the coin misses his hand and falls to the floor with flashes of white light, spinning violently out into the room and only stopping when it hits the base of the bed with a clink. He's staring at me. There is a complicated mix of emotions painted across his beautiful face but the two most prominent ones are relief and disbelief. He tries several times to speak but eventually he gives up and puts his face into his hands. For a moment I think he's crying but then he speaks and the only distortion to his voice is a wealth of relief. 'Thank you. It is more than I deserve but thank you. You have no idea how much that means to me.' 'Oh, I think I do and that's why I am forgiving you. If it had been anyone else I would have thought they did this out of malice, but I know you, love you for who and what you are and all of your strangely numb yet passionate morals. I understand why you did this and I forgive that but it will take me a while to digest it all. For the mean time let's try to make things easier for the both of us by not shouting at one another. That will not help anything.' His head snaps up to me and he shakes it from side to side slowly, a little smile creasing the corners of his mouth, 'You are the most unpredictable person I know. Here I am ready for you to slap me or at least never talk to me again and here you stand all rational and wise. My Lord Avalloc, I don't deserve you.' I drop my eyes to the ground and close them for a moment. He had a tendency to over talk things on very rare occasions and when he did it was usually during a very sensitive subject like now. That over talking is my problem right now; I need to just move on, to let my oh-so-strong self delusion cover it all and rosy it up for me. I have a lot on my plate, a lot of uncertainties and fears and I don't have the room in my head to handle this as well. I tell him exactly that. 'Very well, we will leave the subject for now. It is a relief to have you here, I have missed your way of thinking.' This is going to be a hard question to ask but I had to know. I walk over and sit on the bed again, readying myself. 'Are you happy? I mean, have you been happy here? You know, with Lucille and everything? I know the Justice think you have been unhappy but have you?' I know it seems like a silly question after everything we have just talked about but I have to know if there have been any moments over the last sixty four days for him where he felt some kind of happiness - it seems to matter more than it should. He tilts his head to one side and stares at me. Many emotions flutter across his face, a lot of which I can't even begin to guess at but there are a few I recognise. Shock, sadness, incomprehension. He moves towards me swiftly and sits next to me on the bed, taking both of my hands in his. 'How could I have been happy? How? I live here because I must, I cope because I must and I accept their compliments and adulation because I must. But all I want in this universe is my old life back once again; I want you, us together. Everything else is a poor substitute. I am just me, forget about my status here, forget that I am the last Numinous, forget it all and understand that I am only me and I want very simple things' you, normality, a family. It has killed a very big part of me to be here without you, these past sixty four days have been a nightmare. All I see is your face in this unfamiliar caved civilisation, you are everywhere in my mind yet so totally out of reach to me, until now. If you buy in completely to the idea of staying here I could work something out with the Sovereign, we could possibly be together. I believe we could be happy here.' As he works through his speech his voice pitches into something close to misery and it hurts my heart to hear that from him. He hangs his head and I stroke my fingers through his hair slowly, savouring the rich softness, strand by strand. 'What about Lucille?' 'She is nothing. I can fix that.' 'Alistair, come on. She has been chosen to be your wife plus she has feelings as well and even if we have monumental luck and the Sovereign lets us be together you can't just dismiss her, you will have to explain it to her fully first.' 'That is very gracious of you considering she has been the other woman I have shared my bed with for the past two months or so Dione.' 'You uh, you've been sleeping together?' He lifts his head and frowns at me, 'Yes of course.' He says it like it's the norm but I had assumed something else entirely. 'I assumed that would wait until you were married.' He looks over my shoulder and frowns for a few moments. I can see his fabulous mind working behind his eyes and I wait patiently for him to think it through. 'That is why you have been dealing with the whole 'Lucille and I' thing rather well isn't it? I shouldn't have said anything.' 'Yes your right, I can deal with it more easily if I didn't know that but I guess it had crossed my mind. I just hadn't put a lot of thought into it and I probably still won't.' 'I am sorry for so much Dione.' He falls into me and wraps me in his arms. He buries his face into the hollow of my neck and holds me silently. I return the almost bruising hug and resist the tears that begin to well inside of me. I'm not going to give her the satisfaction of my misery even if she isn't here to see it painted across my face. He pulls us down to the bed onto our sides and we just hold each other like scared children in the night that have just learned the monsters in the closet are in actual fact real and are going to eat us alive. I let myself fall into his embrace completely for the first time in what seems like years. My body relaxes and my heart calms and then he begins to whisper against my hair. 'I will stay here with you, the Sovereign already know of your' difficulty in adjusting and they are open to any suggestions to make your stay here more comfortable. I will just have to explain it tomorrow in the correct manner so they will understand.' I nod against him. I can think of nothing nicer than having him here with me tonight and I can think of nothing worse in that moment than having to sleep alone in this strange room terrified of it all. He's my safe haven and always will be no matter what happens, he would always be that; I hope anyway because that is a feeling that is rare and very precious. The only other man in my life that had made me feel safe was my father, for a few years of my childhood before I grew up and realised the lies behind the comfort.