The End - Chp 1 (Rewrite)

Horror story written by aussj4link on Thursday 22, July 2010

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Description
Chapter 1 of my story rewriten

Overall Rating: 88.2%

This writing has been rated by 3 members, resulting in a rating of 88.2% overall. Below is a breakdown of these results:

Concept/Plot:85%
Imagery:86.666666666667%
Spelling & Grammar:91%
Flow/Rhythm:91.666666666667%
Vocabulary:86.666666666667%
The End
By Link
1
Alarm was buzzing for the 5th snooze. I reached over and shut off the annoying sound. The clock read 2:21 in the afternoon; I was late as usual for work. Unlike most, I didn't make any extra effort than someone who just realized they had not only slept passed time to get up and get ready, but twenty minutes past the time they were supposed to be at work. "Alex! Don't you have work today?" called Xandy from the living room. Xandy is my mother whom I am still living with since birth now 20 years later. Two years after graduating high school here in Colorado Springs I'm still living with my mom. Tension with her was rising every day I stayed here unable to find an apartment cheap enough that a minimum wage job could afford. "Yeah." I called out with little enthusiasm. "You'd better get going, you're twenty minutes late!" I grunted and forced myself up, "forced" being the operative word. It's amazing how much mental weight can effect a person's own motivation. It can be so bad it can make you feel like you're wearing a 200 pound vest. I was depressed and alone. Sometimes sleep felt like the best thing in the world, other times it made me want to stay up forever because I wanted to avoid it so much, as a side effect of my random sleep schedule when I did sleep I slept as long as 12 to 16 hours at a time. I got out of bed, got dressed in the same pants I've been using for a week now. Left the shirt I was wearing when I went to bed on. I went to the bathroom only to slap on some deodorant and relieve myself, I didn't even look in the mirror, didn't want to. Back to my room I grabbed my keys and walked out of the house into the cold air. Storm clouds hung overheard giving everything in sight a gray shade. I got in my car and drove to work. A few minutes on the road a truck and small car about a quarter mile ahead of me had crashed into each other blocking most of the two lane road. As I got closer to it a man got out of the truck and about the same time another had got out of the car. I slowed to a stop about 20 feet away and as I grabbed for the door handle to ask if everyone was okay I heard angry shouting. Looking up the two drivers were now in a brawl. I decided not to stay and pulled around the two vehicles on the side of the road and drove around them. Continuing to work I was reminded of why I hated being human, I hated being a part of a race that was unwilling to help each other except to further their own gains. I was not depressed because of this, though it didn't help. I suppose the main reasons for my ever growing lack of "want" in general was that I was alone and I felt like I wasn't doing something I should have been. I rarely read the newspaper as most of the time it only confirmed my shallow inspection of humanity. The world seemed full of cruelty and malice, no one was out to help anyone but themselves, I was always wondering when the nukes would fly and kill us all; I was almost hoping for it. Back then I had very little love for humanity, now I'm doing everything in my power and more in order to prevent its demise. I lived a lazy life, never pursuing anything that would supply a successful future. The most I ever did was reach some high scores on a few video games that were forgotten a few years after their creation. As a result of my lifestyle I was in no way physically fit or very gifted in any specific study. I was a big fan of Japanese anime and basically anything that had to do with good vs. evil. After twenty-three minutes driving under the storm clouds that threatened to make me use my broken windshield wipers I pulled into the parking lot of Benny's Gas Up. I parked and walked to the store. There was only one car under the canopy at a gas pump which was rare for mid day on a Monday. I thought "Well at least they weren't busy waiting for me this time." Walking into the store I was immediately greeted with "Bout time..." "Sorry. Slept passed the alarm." I said. I never saw a point in lying; I suppose it took too much effort. "Whatever, get in your drawer." Judy said as she picked up a magazine and started reading. The drawer she referred to was the closed register I was to use for the rest of the night. "The cooler wasn't stocked last night, and the back room is a mess, it needs to be cleaned." I said nothing in response, I did do a half-ass job the previous night in the cooler, but it was not untouched. That did not excuse me however, I never had excuses. A few minutes later Judy left without saying anything else, I tried to say bye but it was either unheard or ignored, my bet was on the latter. At about a quarter to 4pm Erin walked in and cheerfully said "Hi!" She was a short woman, maybe 130 pounds in her 50's. She was a nice person to work with that made the long shifts go by smoothly, her only problem was that she liked to leave early and knew that I would be willing to work alone from 8pm to closing time. Business at the store was slow, and the amount of cars passing by seemed to dwindle as the night progressed. At first it was nice; we got everything we needed to do done early and relaxed a lot more than normal. After a couple of hours though we began to wonder why there was so little traffic. It began to rain at about 6:25pm, the rain blanketed the vision of the street and beyond; all that could be seen past the canopy was the occasional lightning strike. At about 7:30pm a man wearing a torn flannel shirt and jeans soaked in what looked like blood came running around from the side of the store into the front doors. _______________________________________________________________ Hopefully this rewrite a little better than before. I tried to slow it down and give some more detail. Hopefully with all this extra detail it isn't dull and makes you not want to read on lol. Also I left the other one up in case anyone wanted to compare.
   

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Comments

    Vastly improved. You have slowed the pace to something reasonable. You are giving us a better view of your characters. I do question the usage of so many numbers; it's too precise.

    "Whatever, get in your drawl." - I think you meant drawer.

    This is so much better. Very good work.
    Whoops! LOL I feel dumb, your right that is drawer. Thanks, I'm going to see about rewriting the other chapters as well, hopefully to match this. I'm guessing you mean the times and what not, I can change that to make them vary little better Smile
    confirmed my shallow inspection of humanity. - I think you want shallow opinion here.

    This rewrite is much, much, better. Nicely done. There are still some punctuation issues, but you will get better the more you write.
    I haven't read the original, but when I saw a recently posted new "chapter 1" I was pretty happy to read.

    It's well written, by the way. Should I bother checking the earlier draft?

    "Back then I had very little love for humanity, now I'm doing everything in my power and more in order to prevent its demise."

    That's probably the most interesting part of the chapter. To me it actually seems like the focal point, while everything else describes the typical day of your old self, not really picking up until the last sentence.

    The beginning of your story where the main character wakes up in his mum's house is fair cliche. This is only a suggestion, so do what you will with it, but perhaps you could begin the chapter with something more attention grabbing, like "Back then I had very little love for humanity, now I'm doing everything in my power and more in order to prevent its demise." - then continue into your character's "daily route" as part of building up to *Why* your character has changed.

    In my opinion it would give the chapter more purpose as an introduction.