The End - Chp 4

Horror story written by aussj4link on Sunday 11, July 2010

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Chapter 4 of my story...

Overall Rating: 87.5%

This writing has been rated by 2 members, resulting in a rating of 87.5% overall. Below is a breakdown of these results:

Spelling & Grammar:85%
On this next chapter I tried my best to add as much detail and slow it down as I could.
Chapter 4 Alex - Unknown
I was expecting it to come around the tree and attack me any moment, but after what felt like an eternity it never did. The suspense of when it was going to come around the tree and attack was killing me. After listening for a few seconds I decided to peek over again. I got up and pressed myself as close to the tree as possible. It was closer to the tree but still about 10 feet away. Facing me, I could see it a little better, it seemed to have a blindfold over its eyes and was sniffing the air. It was blind and must have heard me before but now it couldn't find me. I felt something moving under me and looked down and see a face in the tree in an agonizing contorted expression. It startled me and made me gasp; the thing on the other side of the tree had heard and was now coming right for me. With nowhere to run I tried to keep my distance as best as possible. Running around the opposite side of the tree it tried to come at me from, I tried to be as quiet as possible but it was useless, the thing knew I was there. I looked around again in hopes I had missed a path leading off this platform. With no such luck, I began to panic. It was coming right at me really fast using all fours not like an animal but a bug. It screeched in excitement as it raced toward me. I had nowhere to run or hide, I had to try and fight. Right then in my peripheral vision a bright glimmer of light caught my attention. I looked in the direction of the reflecting light and saw my sword. It had stabbed into the platform probably in the fall. How had I not noticed it before? I had no time to think about anything, I ran for the blade in hopes I might be able to use it, it was my only hope at this moment. I got to the blade and pulled it out without much resistance, however I had very little time to take any position. It came at me and instinctively I swung the blade with both hands and hard as I could. I smacked it in the head and the force hurt my hands, however it stopped coming at me force for a second and seemed dazed. I couldn't afford to waste this opportunity so I thrust the sword as hard as I could into its head. It squealed and screamed and began to flail around. Its front blades had stabbed into my legs repeatedly, I fell to the ground back still in my hands and I cried out in pain as well. Then all at once the creature stopped moving, and then I started to feel strange at first, the pain in my legs had immediately stopped. Then I started to feel stronger with more energy than before. Then I heard a sigh of relief in my head. It was like a sigh after waking up from a long restful sleep. I looked around me in all directions there was no one in sight. I thought "Could I have imagined that?" Back to reality my blade was still in the creatures head. I pulled it out and when I did the things body began to change. The blades came out of its limbs and onto the ground. Then the thing began to grow its limbs back, forming its arms, hand, legs and feet. I could see now it was human. He started to grow hair as well, and then he seemed to wake up. It was shaking horribly and whimpering. He reached up with one hand and pulled the blindfold off, and then he rolled over and looked up and saw me. He panicked and tried to crawl away. I realized then that when I killed him it somehow made his body regenerate like mine did when I first got here, but what made him regenerate now instead of when he got the blades embedded in his limbs? I thought perhaps if something happens to kill you here you will regenerate. But then I realized the stabs and cuts I had sustained when he was flailing had regenerated. Also the possibility struck that perhaps I was dead, that I had died when I fell in the hole. I didn't want to accept that possibility and cast the thought aside. He had backed away from me with a terrified look; he was rather close to the edge. In a small and weak voice I called out and said "Are you human?" No response, just a terrified look. "Are you okay?" Still no response. The guy looked so frightened I had almost forgotten about him attacking me and me stabbing into his head, all I wanted to do was console him. I actually wanted him to speak as I was hoping to find someone, anyone who might be able to help me out of this situation. Several more attempts to speak to him proved futile. I decided to try to approach him. As I did he panicked and said something finally "No." he whined. I stopped and said "its okay I'm not going to hurt you, I'm just trying to figure out what's going on here, what is this place?" With no response I said "I fell into a hole and hit the ground here, and then you appeared out of nowhere and wanted to kill me." No response still, I was losing hope that he might be able to tell me something of this place. After a few moments he said out of nowhere "y-you're alive?" "As far as I know... I smacked into the ground and broke every bone in my body, then I started to regenerate. It was incredible; I've never felt anything like it." After a few more moments his shaking began to settle down and he said "You will heal anything. You can't die here." A few more moments had passed, then I asked "What's your name?" I said. "I don't remember. I've been here too long. Please help me!" he begged desperately. "I don't want to suffer anymore..." "I will if I can, you can be assured I will help you... Where are we?" I said. "You don't know? This is Hell, the realm of suffering." He panted and sounded frightened from just saying it. I had my thoughts, but I didn't want to believe that Hell was real; I never believed it was real! "Do you know how you got on this platform?" He didn't answer but instead looked in the direction of the large puddle from before. "That puddle?" the puddle was right behind me. Starring right at me he said "Please don't leave me!" Then he got to his feet and ran at me, he startled me and made me stumbled back. I tripped and fell into the puddle. Falling into it I realized it was deep enough to cover my whole body. It was like a well, the walls were very close to me on all sides and it was deep. I've always had a fear of water, mostly a fear of drowning. The fear had taken over when I fell in and I panicked. I began flailing around and because of this I began to sink faster. A pain struck in my arm and broke the panic; the pain actually forced me to think instead of panic. I looked over and my sword had stabbed me, as if acting on its own. I pulled it out and stabbed it into the nearest wall and pulled myself up. I ripped it out and did the same further up. I started to inhale the liquid involuntarily and my chest and nose hurt. Then I realized that even though I was desperately trying to find air I wasn't losing strength or focus. I continued to stab into the wall and pull myself up. After doing this 5 times I was out of the liquid and back into the red lighted world. I pulled myself up and crawled onto the hot surface. I started to violently and painfully vomit and cough the liquid that I had inhaled. I realized then it was pure blood. After a few minutes of vomiting, I had time to look around my surroundings. This area was much larger than the platform I was on. Somehow when I fell in I was taken to a different place. The ground was basically the same as before. I could see no ledges from my position. On the opposite side of the portal, as I was coming to call it, there was another tree that looked much the same as the one before. I thought maybe they were markers of some sort for the portals. In the far distance there appeared to be what looked like mountains. I saw another tree in the far distance as well. I thought "If this is Hell where are all the demons and what not?" I would find out later, Hell was far from empty.

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    Running around the opposite side of the tree it tried to come at me from- awkward sentence. Running around the opposite side of the tree side of the tree says what you neded to say.

    With no such luck I began to panic.-comma sfter luck.

    It screeched in excitement as it raced toward me, I had nowhere to run or hide, I had to try and fight. - run-on sentence.

    A lot of these kinds of error. You're getting better at the technical points.

    Much better pace to the story and better imaging. We need to know about the characters in order to be interested in them. I still don't understand why your character is doing any of this instead of hiding and hoping for the best. That's what most people would do and I need to know why your character is fighting.
    I tried to describe the area as too small to run and having nothing to really hide behind. He hid behind the tree but he blew his cover when he gasped at the face in the tree. That tree line was confusing, not sure how to say that he basically was running around the tree but in the opposite direction that the monster was.
    Try running in the opposite direction I tried to evade it.

    Something like that is less confusing.
    A great deal of improvement. Nicely done. Visit that web site I told you about; they have great suggestions on sentence structure and so on.

    Also, as Don says, you need to develop the character a bit.