The End - Chp 3

Horror story written by aussj4link on Friday 9, July 2010

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Chapter 3

Overall Rating: 85.25%

This writing has been rated by 4 members, resulting in a rating of 85.25% overall. Below is a breakdown of these results:

Concept/Plot:88%
Imagery:83.5%
Spelling & Grammar:85.25%
Flow/Rhythm:82.75%
Vocabulary:86.75%
Chapter 3 6:00pm Alex
I came down my home street, I didn't know if they could hear it but I decided to honk as I came down the street trying to get my families attention. I pulled into the driveway, got out and was about to run inside when my name was called. I ran over to my mom and was deeply relieved they seemed to be alright. I said "Are you guys alright?" "Yeah, what the hell is going on!?" Xandy said. "I have no idea, one minute everything was fine the next I'm alone driving as fast as I can to get here, all the while the whole world is eating itself!" I said. "The world?! I thought it was just our house!" Xandy said. "From what I saw on the way here it looks like this is everywhere. We can't stay here, get to the car." I said. "What about our neighbors?" Xandy said. "I'll warn them I have to get something first, get to the car and get ready to haul ***." I said. With that I ran into the house, I knew that it probably wouldn't last in any real fight but if nothing I wanted it to feel a little more confident, plus although it may be dull, it has a nice point with which I can stab with. Running through the living room to my room I notice something move in the shadows blocking the way. I stood still and watched the shadows for a few moments then noticed the movement again, this time it was slow, it expanded then contracted and then I could hear it, breathing, the house was breathing. Suddenly all I wanted to do was get out, but I needed my sword. I ran into the dark hall leading to my room, it was so dark I tried a light switch, no power, but when I did that a moan rumbled through the living structure. I ran straight over to the wall where I had my sword mounted, ripped it off the wall, in doing so I ripped some screws out of the wall at which an even louder moan rumbled through the house. I heard my bedroom door swing shut and I knew that something was in the room with me. The breathing in the house hastened. Louder and harder I couldn't hear much in the dark room, very little light was coming in through the window, a flash of lightning lit it up every now and then. My heart was racing and my breathing was erratic, fast and heavy. I thought whatever was in here could be anywhere making it near impossible to defend myself. I knew I was on the verge of panicking when a lightning bolt struck rather close lighting a wooden fence on fire. The light from the fire began to light up the room, as my eyes adjusted I was able to see more and more until I could see everything. After a study of the room I realized I was alone. What then closed the door? I decided to stay no longer, I ran to the door and smashed it in with all my strength, it was wooden and hollow so even with my limited strength I tore through it. When I did a high pitched screeching I had never heard before erupted through the house, it hurt my ears and I ran. Out the door into the rain again there was only a momentary relief when I heard a scream that unmistakably was Danielle's. I ran toward the scream and went through the gate into our neighbors yard to see a man on top of Xandy attacking her, the horrific look on her face broke the stun that was over me from my own fear. Without thinking I charged at the man and thrust the sword into his head. "That's Chris! ... Guess that means the neighbors know... Why didn't you go to the car?" I said. "There was something in it." She said still dazed with adrenaline pumping million miles an hour. "Do you know of any other cars we can use?!" I said right as the ground began to shake. I fell down as did the rest of my family. In front of me I saw the ground begin to cave in like a sinkhole. I struggled to my feet as fast and I could and yelled "Back! Back!" Everyone was moving except Steven, he was frozen. Without thinking I knew I had to get him away. I ran up grabbed whatever I could and pulled him back, right as I did I lost balance, my right foot fell forward into the newly forming hole, the only thing I could do as I fell in was think "Oh my god!". Falling now, the hole was massive, it was bright red but I couldn't see the bottom or any walls in any direction. It was hot and stuffy, and very difficult to breath. The air hurt my eyes so I closed them. As I fell the air got hotter, falling this far was beginning to hurt, not from the heat but from shear gravity, my muscles and skin began to hurt like they were being pulled. I opened my eyes to see if I could see the bottom yet and right as I did-CRACK. Dazed and confused I opened my eyes. My whole body was in extreme pain, I couldn't move. I tried to look around but I could barely see anything, then a snap in my neck made me wish I could scream. My bones began to shift in my body; suddenly I had control in my neck back. I lifted my head with excruciating pain and cried out. As I lifted my head my sight changed, suddenly I was seeing double but from two different angles. I was seeing the ground and some of the area around me, then my left eye began to scratch and for some reason I couldn't close it. My left arm now had movement, it still hurt but I used it to try to feel what was wrong. I lifted my arm up to my face and felt it dangling; my eye had popped out of my head. I panicked and moved my whole body surprisingly. Then a new pain struck in my eye socket and my eye began to pull itself back in. I cringed in pain and covered the socket with both hands now, the right arm able to move again. It was incredible, I was regenerating. It was painful but I could feel myself able to move more and more. Over a few minutes bones had shifted, cuts had sealed themselves up and my eye had regained full control and sight, even my teeth had re-grown. After a while I felt a lot better and in control of my body again. The ground beneath me was really hot and burned to touch it, however burns were rather quickly healed after removing the skin from the ground. My clothes had singed and tore. They were stiff and felt like they could rip off very easily. The air was difficult to breathe; I had to take deep breaths just to help with the feeling of suffocating. I sat up now and looked around. The sky had a reddish glow and I couldn't see the hole I had fell in. I was sitting on what seemed to be rock, but it was black and felt wet almost. In front of me was a tree, it looked twisted, with no leaves. I stood up and as I did I could see more of the distance. It seemed I was on a cliff, looking around I realized it was a platform. In the distance there was other platforms much like this one, I could see other trees on them as well. Behind me I heard water sloshing and splashing a little, I looked back to see movement. I knew I had to hide but the only thing to hide behind was the tree so I ran behind it. I peeked around to see a large puddle I had not noticed before. A short distance away there was something. It was weird I looked humanoid but it walked on all fours, except all fours looked like half the limb had been severed and replaced with blades. It did not walk on the blades, instead they bent upwards and it walked on what was left of it limbs. Suddenly it turned toward me, I ducked down as fast as I could but I knew it had seen me. My heart was racing now and I couldn't help but breathe harder. I knew I had to do something but what? There was nowhere to run, and nowhere else to hide. In every direction there were cliffs.
   

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Comments

    Needs better punctuation but ,overall, you do keep improving the technical parts of writing.

    T o be honest, the art of writing needs work. You're roaring along so fast that the story is becoming blurred. Simply put, it's too much, too fast.
    I'm not exactly sure what you guys mean bu going to fast. Should I be using more detail or something? Trust me though this is going to be a 30+ chapter story though, I shouldn't run out of content to work with for a while. I could add more detail to everything if that's what it needs.
    I was sitting on what seemed to be rock, but it was black and felt wet almost. - just say that it was black and felt wet.

    That sentence is a good example of what Don is saying. It seems as though you are in a hurry to get this written and posted. Take your time. Write; leave it soak for a day or two, and then go back and reread and fix what needs to be fixed. You will end up with a much better story.

    Oh, and you are allowed to use the word 'ass' in here.

    A good plot; take your time and work it.
    Gives the feeling of being rushed; i had this problem 2 and sometimes i still do this. Being in a hurry to get to a "good part" in your story can lead you into this problem. Slow down and take your time.
    Very interesting plot
    What Don is getting at, I think; if I dare to second-guess Yoda, is that you are throwing event after event at us, with little pause or sense of pace.

    Take a little time between events to show us what's happening...what are the characters feeling? what's happening around them? What do they, and their surroundings, look like.

    What do they see, feel hear, smell?

    What do they fear?

    These are your people.., try and make us feel what you feel for them.

    To use a cliche; the devil is in the detail.
    Ahh, ok I will definitely add more detail to everything. The event to event thing tho, in an apocalyptic scenario where pretty much your whole surrounding are hostile leaves very room for anything resembling a sense of pace. I will do my best to slow this down, but I'm better at thinking up action than rest heh.
    I will do my best to slow this down, but I'm better at thinking up action than rest heh.- Yes, I understand that. The art is writing the more difficult parts. It's what makes a story a story and not a cartoon.