The End - Chp 2 Part 2

Horror story written by aussj4link on Wednesday 7, July 2010

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The rest of Chapter 2

Overall Rating: 87.5%

This writing has been rated by 2 members, resulting in a rating of 87.5% overall. Below is a breakdown of these results:

Concept/Plot:90%
Imagery:87.5%
Spelling & Grammar:85%
Flow/Rhythm:87.5%
Vocabulary:87.5%
This next part is rather optional. I'm half way thinking this is giving away too much of the future but my family and friends have all said they think its a good add-on, I'll post it here and see what you guys think. (Optional) Xandy continued to stare in awe and horror after the lightning bolts light had gone. After a moment Danielle asked "What are we going to do!?" Xandy looked down at Danielle unable to say anything at all to her child. She looked back up at the sky and screamed "Why?!" "Why is this happening...?" Then she saw it, huge and long like a gigantic worm, flying through the sky. As if hearing her cry it turned its attention on her position then flew toward them. Xandy grabbed her children and looked for somewhere to flee. A scared gasp from Danielle made Xandy turn around to see a very big wolf looking creature starring right at them, creeping slowly towards them; it truly looked as if it were smiling right at them. As the beast approached them and the flying worm descended upon them Xandy hugged her children, covered their eyes and said "I love you both." At that moment the ground began to shake, much like the tremor before when Alex fell. About 15 feet away the ground caved in, red light began to emerge from the hole then in a flash erupted. Rocks and dirt went everywhere. The only thing Xandy could do was close her eyes and hope that it would be quick. A roar of pain made her jump and look up to see a huge human figure on top of the demonic animal. The figure stood up and looked to be around 6 and a half feet, huge build, wearing what looked like full body armor, like back from the medieval ages. Starring in awe the man turned around and Xandy saw his weapon, a blade so massive it was the size of him. In both length and width it was as big as him. That much steel should have weighed over 150lb but he wielded it with one hand like it was a kitchen knife. He looked briefly at Xandy then up to the sky. He crouched down slightly then in an instant he leapt high overhead where he was looking. She looked up and saw that the worm was his target, the worm went straight at him, just about to swallow him hole when the man's sword stabbed into the top of the worm, the man immediately flipped over onto the worms back and proceeded to run down it back with the sword slicing through it. Half way through the worm the man stopped, pulled out the sword and jumped off, they had to have been 50 maybe 70 feet in the air, such a height would kill any normal person, but he was far from normal. The man slammed into the ground about 15 yards away from the terrified family, the worm fell through the air onto a house about 100 yards away almost completely destroying it. The man turned toward the family, Xandy didn't know what was about to happen next, sure the man just killed two of the monsters that wanted to kill them but that didn't make him anymore of a friend. "Are you alright?" said the stranger. After some hesitation Xandy said with a shaky voice "Ye-ah." "Good, come." The man then started to walk down the street. Xandy was again hesitant; she didn't know whether or not to trust him. "Come on Mom!" cried Steven pulling at her arm. She looked down at Steven then Danielle and thought they have no choice but to put her trust in something right now or else they were doomed. They walked with him for a few minutes then Xandy said "Who are you?" "I'm going to get you some place safe and then put an end to this." Said colossal man putting his massive blade on his back she could see it more clearly now, it was part metal part flesh. The handle was a foot and a half long, was covered in what looked like skin, still alive. The skin stretched onto the base of the blade and up around the dull side of the sword. The metal was almost black and jagged in certain areas, again she wondered how any human could possibly lift such a huge piece of steel much less wield it the way he did. She looked back down at the base of the blade and an eye the size of her head suddenly opened and started looking around at which point she jumped back and the kids gasped. The man stopped and turned around looking at them with a puzzled look. "Your weapon, it has an eye." "Hmm, yeah it does" the man said with a smirk. "We don't have time to stand around." With that Xandy noticed something she didn't notice before; there was something familiar about his voice. She couldn't figure it out. "Have we met before?" What's the matter? Don't recognize your own son?" "No more talking." They walked for 3 hours, every now and then they would come across a monster of some sort, however when the monsters saw the people they would either cower or run at the sight of the armored warrior. The rain had intensified since they first met the stranger; also the rain had changed into what it was becoming when she first started to sense the difference, blood. They came upon a small brick structure with one door. The man opened the door and then took out his sword and proceeded in. Xandy walked behind him and noticed there were stairs leading down into the ground, then realized this could be a bunker or bomb shelter. Further down into it, it was pitch black however the man's armor began to glow red, runes and glyphs on his armor were glowing red, as if detecting the darkness it grew bright red and lit the stairway easily. After 5 minutes of descending into the earth they came upon a small room, maybe 10x10 feet with a large door, probably 8x8x10. The door was round with a large handle in the middle and a key pad and screen to the right. The man put a hand on the door after a few seconds the door started to unlock. It swung open slowly; beyond the door way was more darkness. "Stay here." said the man who claimed to be her son. He walked into the room after a few minutes he was out of sight. A rush of renewed fear had swept over Xandy and made her realize that with the man she felt much more at ease; perhaps he was there to help them. After a few minutes in the darkness, her kids started to whimper, she tried to calm them but she knew she was just as afraid, as she began to think that make the man had left them, a loud hum began to fill the room and lights around them turned on. The light hurt their eyes, but now they could see into the room, it was massive; there were beds maybe 50 of them in the far corner, many doorways were littered among the walls. They stepped in and looked around then heard a door close in the far end of the room, out of the door came the man, still with sword in hand. The man walked to the center of the massive room, with one downward thrust he plunged the sword into the concrete floor then knelt with the handle in both hands. The eyelid on the massive sword had opened and was now looking around then straight ahead; the eye began to change color and then violently looked in every direction. At which point runic markings on the ground began to appear around the blade and spread across the whole room, up the wall and on the ceiling until every part of the underground base was covered. The eyelid closed on the blade and the man stood up pulling the sword out of the floor, the hole the sword had made started to close itself up as if regenerating. He put the sword on his back again and walked back to the family. "This structure should keep you safe. The demons will not be able to get in." At that Xandy finally put all denial aside, confirming her subconscious thought she knew this was hell on earth, judgment day, hell was real... "There's food, power and even running water, you should clean yourselves up." "How are you going to put an end to this?" "I'm going to send hell back to hell." ______________________________________________________________ Ok that last line I know is corny as hell, but I sat here for an hour trying to think of a less corny way to answer that question LOL.[left][/left]
   

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Comments

    Much better grammar. Vastly improved. Each part has been better than the previous one. You are learning and paying attention. Good for you.

    You're new to this so here's an error to watch for: "Why?!" "Why is this happening...?"- Leave out the quote marks in the middle. It's the same speaker and, as long as it is, and it's all conversation, everything said is in one set of quotes. Also, only one punctuation mark.

    You've slowed down the pace. I think it much improves the story.

    I think the very last line was very good; it sets the determination. I don't know that I'd change that.

    I would go back and revise what you've written so far to match the improvement in this part.
    Don hit on everything; I would also fix the punctuation a bit. There are some rocky areas, and that impedes flow.

    Also, you may want to visit this website:
    http://www.writing-world.com/fiction/

    There is a lot of very good information there.