The End - Chp 2 Part 1

Horror story written by aussj4link on Monday 5, July 2010

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Description
Chapter 2 of my story...

Overall Rating: 86%

This writing has been rated by 2 members, resulting in a rating of 86% overall. Below is a breakdown of these results:

Concept/Plot:87.5%
Imagery:85%
Spelling & Grammar:80%
Flow/Rhythm:87.5%
Vocabulary:90%
This is probably worse than the first chapter, but feedback no matter how negative can be helpful at this point lol. I chose some names, hopefully they aren't too corny. Chapter 2 5:25pm Home The phone rang for the first time today, "Ahh, finally the bill collectors" Xandy said. After looking at the ID on the phone she said, "No? Why's Alex calling?" She answered the phone, "Hello?" "Hey is everything ok at home?" "Yes why?" "Incident at work, 911 isn't responding, could you please try calling it and have them send over an ambulance." "What happened?" "I think there may have been a bad accident, probably crash somewhere nearby." "Ok I'll call them." "K bye." With that she hung up and called 911, after a ring someone picked up but didn't say anything, she then said "The gas station at 2nd and Broadway needs an ambulance, the employee's haven't been able to reach 911 so I'm calling for them" There was no answer, "Hello?" still no answer, she was about to hang up and try again when she heard breathing, soft at first then got heavier. "Hello? Who is this?" Then laughter broke out on the other end, very loud, much higher volume than the phone should have been able to produce, kind of hurt the ears. She hung up right away, the phone was clearly off but she could still hear the laughing echoing through the house. Right as she went to cover her ears it stopped, replaced by pure silence, she couldn't even hear her own breathing or heartbeat. Her 12 year old daughter walked into the room with a very scared look and said something, Xandy couldn't hear her at all though and almost seemed as if the world was in slow motion. She started to feel as though she was falling and felt like being enveloped in fear and darkness. As the feeling intensified she started to feel weak and tired and was just about to close her eyes when, SNAP, the feeling of losing herself had in an instant, left. She looked around and noticed her daughter had come up and grabbed her arm and was now shaking it. Xandy told her to stop and then asked what happened, the girl said "You turned pale, really pale and then stiff, stiff as a board and wouldn't say anything, you scared the crap out of me." "Where's your brother?" Xandy said. "Upstairs I think." Xandy took her hand and ran upstairs calling his name she got up to his room and tried the door. It was locked, she said "Steven open the door!" There was no answer but she could hear something coming from inside, sounded like voices. "Steven!" She screamed. After no reply she went downstairs grabbed the master key to the house, ran back upstairs and unlocked the door without hesitation. There Steven was sitting on his bed watching his TV. Xandy immediately walked over to Steven and who almost seemed in a trance watching the TV, she looked at the TV and saw a very hardcore porno playing. She immediately went to shut it off, she hit the power button but it wouldn't turn off so she unplugged the TV and it kept going. She looked over at Steven and now her daughter was by the bed staring in the same trance like state at the TV. She rushed over and as she did the volume on the TV intensified, blaring now she had to scream to hear herself. She tried to shake Steven calling his name but he was almost lifeless, she slapped him hard and he seemed to come to. She screamed at him to get out and after a moment's pause he did. She wasted no time with her daughter and smacked her hard. Her daughter said "What was that for?!" "GET OUT!" at which she did so. They all went downstairs, Xandy grabbed her phone and they ran out the side door into a part of the back yard where a gate in the fence was which lead to her neighbors. They were well known and maybe they could help. Many thoughts ran through Xandy's head, she thought maybe the house was haunted and hoped that if that was the case the haunting wouldn't follow her. Of all possibilities though, she knew she had to get her kids to safety. As they opened the gate they heard honking and screeching of tires. Xandy looked to the street and there was Alex's car coming down the street way faster than he should have. He pulled into the driveway and got out. Xandy yelled at him and he heard and ran over. "Are you guys alright?" He said. "Yeah, what the hell is going on!?" "I have no idea, one minute everything was fine the next I'm alone driving as fast as I can to get here, all the while the whole world is eating itself!" "The world?! I thought it was just our house!" "From what I saw on the way here it looks like everything is going to shit. We can't stay here, get to the car." "What about our neighbors?" "I'll go tell warn them I have to get something first, get to the car and get ready to haul ass." With that Alex ran inside their house. Xandy took the kids and ran toward the car then noticed something moving in the car and stopped. "Mom why are we stopping, I'm cold and wet" "Shh" She stood there looking at the car squinting to see inside from about 15 feet away, she looked toward the back seat and then saw eyes looking right at her. She whimpered a bit and then grabbed the kids and ran back to the gate. Alex still wasn't out of the house, she was starting to fear the worst, she stepped through the gate into her neighbors' yard when she caught something in the corner of her eye. It was dark couldn't tell anything, a lightning flash lit up the yard briefly but she saw nothing in the yard. They continued to the neighbors' house, they were half way there when she heard footsteps, she stopped to look and listen and when she did the steps sped up sounding like a run then in the darkness a human figure could be barely made out. Before she had time to react it tackled her and tried to bite at her. Her kids screamed, the man that was on top of her was overpowering her attempts to hold him back, he was just about to bite at her throat when a large blade went through the side of its head. She looked over and there was Alex with a panicked look on his face, the blade was one of his replica swords he bought online. He pushed the body off her with the blade then ripped it out. Panting like he ran a mile he said "That's Chris! ... Guess that means the neighbors know... Why didn't you go to the car?" "There was something in it." "Fuck!... Do you know of any other cars we can use?!" Before she could answer a ground tremor hit hard knocking them all down then as sudden as it came it was gone. They started to get back to their feet when the earth under them began ripping apart. "Back! Back!" Alex screamed. Everyone except Steven moved back. The ground was about to give in under Steven, Alex run to him grab his shirt and yanked him back away from the hole, however the ground gave under his right foot when he did this causing him to lose his balance and fell into the hole. "No!" Xandy screamed. The hole began to grow; Xandy grabbed her children and pulled back away from the hole. She didn't know where to go, she didn't know what to do now. They ran, they didn't know where they would run just that they wanted to get away from all this. Out the front yard into the street they ran down it toward the train tracks at the closest end of the road. In the distance they could hear cries and screams, roars and explosions. Lightning was all around them, they stopped at the end of the road unsure where to run next. Xandy looked up at the sky the rain was heavy, she just now realized it felt almost thick like a thin oil, also now it seemed to have a strange smell she could not identify. As she looked at the sky the fires in the background lit up the sky. At first she thought she was looking at rain clouds, then she noticed they seemed to be moving, a lightning bolt struck nearby and lit up the sky further, in that instant she saw things, faces in agony moving across the clouds. There is more to this chapter but I'm not sure if I want it in. I'm debating whether or not it gives too much info on the future :/
   

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Comments

    This is an improvement over N/A, a large improvement.

    When there's a conversation, each change of speaker is a new paragraph.

    This is certainly action-filled. If that's your style, you will have to maintain the high octane throughout. That's quite a challenge.
    Thanks, its weird, a lot of the books I have read in the past don't use a new paragraph for each change of speaker, but that sounds like a good idea and I will use that in the future. Yes this will hopefully have a good feel of action and horror if I can mix the two correctly.
    Umm, what kind of books have you read? A new paragraph for each change of conversation is a must do in writing. Otherwise, confusion would reign.

    If you provide the horror, the action will follow.
    lol, don't laugh but uhhh, I've read a bunch of Dean Koontz books and all the Harry Potter books and The Lost by Jack Ketchum. And maybe a few other that I can't remember right now lol.
    Why laugh? I'm seventeen and, yearly, read a book series designed for third graders (8 years old). I'm rereading Harry Potter again right now, preparing for the final movies.

    They all start new paragraphs for every speech; you probably don't notice it, though. They aren't double-spaced like online writings. The official way is to end the paragraph and do the right thing by indenting it. But you can't indent on most online sites, since the indent button, tab, is designed to carry forward people without a computer mouse.

    Just press "enter" twice every time you're have a new person speaking.
    I read Harry Potter, every few years, and i'm a far bit older than the pair of you together.

    Smile
    Okay, I won't touch on the errors; everyone else hit on them. Let me say something that is not so obvious.

    It seems you are in a hurry. Don't be. Take your time. Rome wasn't built in a day.

    Try reading your material aloud. You will catch a lot of errors that way. On the plus, a good plot. Keep going.
    I'm with Prito; apart from being quite hard to follow,the narrative is hurried, rushing towards the end, and dragging the reader along for the ride.

    Try to paragraph for emphasis and effect, and listen to Kt, and Don - they know what they're talking about.

    It's good; but it can be so much better.