The End - Chp 1

Horror story written by aussj4link on Thursday 1, July 2010

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Description
The first chapter of a story I would like to write, just need feedback :)

Overall Rating: 73%

This writing has been rated by 3 members, resulting in a rating of 73% overall. Below is a breakdown of these results:

Concept/Plot:83.333333333333%
Imagery:73.333333333333%
Spelling & Grammar:68.333333333333%
Flow/Rhythm:66.666666666667%
Vocabulary:73.333333333333%
Chapter 1 It began much like any other day, boring, depressing, and full of growing problems. It seemed the in the past decade people had grown increasingly more angry and hateful towards each other. It almost seemed like the world would end soon, collapse from pure hate filled people only concerned with themselves and how they can make money through others sufferings. Every other day there seems to be violence, crime, suicides. People hurting and killing people... fear and depression has worsened as time has gone on, ever since the turn of the millennia. Two days after the New Year's celebration for 2010, something felt really bad about waking up that morning, like waking up and finding out your alone and the world has just shut down on you. My name is ______ and I'm the biggest loser to ever grace the bad living guidelines of America. I'm depressed, way out of shape, I sleep 12-14 hours a day, eat the most unhealthy of food, all I do is watch anime, play video games, work at a gas station, and go to school for something I don't care for. I begin my story waking up 20 minutes late for work as usual. Alarm was buzzing again for the tenth snooze, "Fuck..." said after turning the clock off and forcing myself up, got dressed, and didn't bother with the bathroom except to relieve myself. I couldn't help but to go out first thing and make sure my family was still there. As usual they were and doing their normal leave-me-alone things. Hurrying to work I didn't notice at first but there was not many people on the roads for the time of day, at work my co-workers were doing what they do best, nothing. As usual they complained about how I was late and how many things that was needed to be done. Work was pretty much normal until nightfall hit... At about 5:00pm someone came in screaming drenched in blood, was difficult to understand what he was saying, something in Spanish which me and my co-worker did not speak Spanish. I hesitated at first thinking he was insane and was almost about to take him down in fear he might attack, but then I saw the fear in his eyes and immediately called 911. It rang 3 times then an automatic message said to hold as all callers were busy dealing with other emergencies. I told my co-worker to hold onto the phone, she was shaky nervously from the sight of the man and how he was screaming and whimpering frantically and cowering behind an aisle. I went and grabbed the first aid kit in the back, I couldn't remember a thing from the first aid class I had a few years back but I figured the kit would have instructions. Coming back to the man, another customer had entered and was worried about the situation, she had also tried to call 911 from outside but got the same message, I asked if she spoke Spanish and she did but she said he was speaking more gibberish than anything, talking about how everyone's dead was the only thing she could make out. I asked her to ask him if he was hurt but he was hysterical and didn't seem to hear her. Looking at him he didn't seem hurt. I asked if 911 had answered yet and they had not, I wanted to make sure everything was alright at home so I called my sisters cell phone she answered after the fourth ring. "Hello?", "Hey is everything ok at home?" "Yes why?" "Incident at work, 911 isn't responding, could you please try calling it and have them send over an ambulance." "What happened?" "I think there may have been a bad accident, probably crash somewhere nearby." "Ok I'll call them." "K bye." And with the hang up of them phone there was a loud booming sound from the backside of the building, at which the man's screams intensified. I went around the counter to the door and the man leapt at me trying to hold me back, at this point I was getting kind of scared, I have a pretty intense imagination, so at that moment I feared something out of a movie was happening, even though that was ridiculous, I had no idea how much worse than the movies this was. I shrugged the man off and asked the customer to please calm him and tell him I would be right back. She said a few things to him and he told her something, being the reckless kid I was I was willing to take on anything; I hated fear and thought I was above it. I told my co-worker to keep trying 911 and left before there could be anymore interruption on me going to check it out. As I stepped out I instantly felt different, a little less nervous but also the air seemed heavy and hot for a fall night. I looked down the street from the store and there was no one driving on the roads at all, it was rather strange about 5:30pm and nothing on the roads. A large wall was behind the store, I could see the light reflections of what looked like fire on the other side. After looking around a little bit I tried to climb the wall but was way out of shape and could not muster the strength to pull myself up. There was a fence close to the wall that was connected to the store, I put my sleeves over my hands and climbed up the fence trying to get my head over, after some struggle I was 2 feet away from the top when I heard something fall behind me. The sound was like a squish with also a thump, after looking behind me and seeing nothing I climbed the rest of the way up the fence, when I looked over the wall there was no fire it was like the ground was covered in some kind of glowing red liquid. At first I thought it was the ground just really hot but not on fire, but then I saw the rip in the ground like an earthquake had happened. I tried to shift my weight as my hands were beginning to hurt then I saw something move in the corner of my eye. At first I thought it was a dog then I realized it was much too big to be, it was in the shadows so I could barely make it out but it seemed like it had some kind of jagged spikes coming out of it back and thought it just fur that was really mangy and dirty. It was eating something; its back was turned toward me so it was difficult to make out much of anything but after my eyes adjusted to the light and I saw what it was, there was no mistaking, it was human. Frozen by fear, I stared in horror as I watched the thing tear the body to shreds eating bone and flesh like it was tissue paper. It was dark and very difficult to make out the beast, then it started raining, heavy and fast, with that things seemed even darker than before. I stared on full attention on the thing, unable to look away then it stopped moving. It's eyes, glowing red eyes red like glowing brimstone and blood, it was looking at me. All I could see was its eyes by this point, then a flash of lightning lit up the area and that's when I saw it. The flesh and blood dripping from its mouth, teeth like jagged knifes of bone and metal, that's when I realized it was smiling at me. A smile so long it literally went to its eyes. At this realization I lost my grip of the fence and fell back, hitting my head and back hard on the pavement but with the pain of the hit the paralyzing fear was broken, replaced by the fear to move as fast as possible. I got up and ran around the store as fast as I could without care for looking where I was going except back to the store to tell the others. As I was about to round the side of the store where the entrance was I stepped on something and lost my balance, falling face first and on my hand into a puddle. After a few seconds of a strange daze I've never felt before, having never hit my head hard enough to cause any form of the classic daze other people have experienced, I looked back at what I had tripped over and it was a leg, undoubtedly human with claw and bite marks, then I realized the puddle I was in was not water, blood and guts. This only seemed to intensify my fear and panic into running. When I neared the entrance to the store the lights were off except one light in the back that was flickering, the canopy lights were on but the store was dark. I went inside slowly, fearing the worst. I got inside and listened for movement, there was none. I could hear my own breath like a diesel engine; I tried calming myself as I was out of breath from the run around the store. After waiting a few seconds, what felt like a year, I decided to call out in hopes that someone was still here, at that moment I needed to find someone, anyone at all. "Is anybody here..." I tried to yell but it came out more like a whimper, so I tried again. "Hello!" With that I was greeted with a loud bang and an indescribable bloodcurdling cry merged with a roar, I couldn't make out what it was but I wasn't going to stay and find out. I ran straight to my car looked all around frantically, the heavy rain was making it difficult to hear anything. I got my keys out of my pocket along with some change that fell over the ground, I barely heard them hit, I was more concerned with opening the door. I'm guessing the only thing I learned from watching too many horror movies was to check the back seat when I unlock the car door and the lights turn on. There was nothing there and I was thankful. I got in and was about to start the car when I saw the eyes staring at me, staring, cold, lifeless right on the hood of my car, they were tilted. I stared back, unable to move, thinking I was dead for sure. Then as if Mother Nature was trying to give me a little light, a lightning bolt in the distance lit up the hood of the car and in that instant I realized it was a human head and it was our neighbor who sold propane. I put the car in reverse, backed out of the spot jammed the car into drive and sped out into the street the head rolling off the hood like a basketball with a hole filled with tomato juice. I so badly wanted to throw up, I was quite the fanatic about the internet and I had surfed the net extensively, being the amazingly popular athlete I was, I had plenty of time to find the worst of the worst on the internet, I had seen it all, all the real photos and videos of real bloody violence and car accidents, but it didn't help the fact of seeing what I saw made me incredibly disturbed. All I wanted now was to get home. The lights on the streets were not working, but they didn't need to in most spots, as driving home there was burning buildings and lightning struck every few seconds now. I found myself driving all over the road trying to avoid all the debris, I learned something at that point as well, the monsters can run about 55mph. There were not only beasts like creatures but also some that were more humanoid, standing on two feet, but with horns and what appeared to be wings not unlike bats. I was expecting the whole time to be attacked from above, but the hoofed things when I did seem to draw their attention, only looked at me briefly some smiled then went back to whatever they were doing. As I neared the end of the 1st street on the 3 streets I needed to drive to get home, the Wal-Mart which I pass everyday and even shop frequently was covered in something, it wasn't on fire like most of the other buildings, the parking lot had many vehicles aflame. I saw some people running from the monsters and wanted to help but the second after I noticed them they were taken down, I decided not to chance stopping and kept going as fast as I could. As I looked back at the super store I thought I saw it move, but that's impossible, it seemed to move as if it were... alive. ____________________________________________________________________ I know there must be a lot of grammatical errors, but I'm mostly looking for feedback on the idea of the story so far, my ideas are actually going to go a lot further than this, A LOT further lol. When I read this it seems kind of cheesy almost but I'm hoping that's just me criticizing my own work lol, what do you guys think?
   

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Comments

    Judgement day? You have very successfullly portrayed the apocalpyse atmosphere captured in zombie films/games. well done! However how can your story differ and stand out, I like the hell spawned monsters and the first person view.
    To start with, give yourself a name.

    Every conversation is a new paragraph. Otherwise, it's too difficult to read.

    Your story doesn't play right. There's hardly any traffic when there should be but you go about your business with no concern.

    You can't get 911 to answer but you venture out to see what's going on.

    then I realized the puddle I was in was not water, blood and guts. - did you expect it to be water, blood and guts?

    I was quite the fanatic about the internet and I had surfed the net extensively, being the amazingly popular athlete I was, I had plenty of time to find the worst of the worst on the internet, I had seen it all, all the real photos and videos of real bloody violence and car accidents, but it didn't help the fact of seeing what I saw made me incredibly disturbed. - what does being a popular athlete have to do with this?

    All told, you have gone overboard by having too much happen in the opening. You seem to be throwing everything out there to see what sticks.

    You need to slow down; you need to fill in the story more; you need to consolidate what's happening. You are meandering around as if you, the author, are lost.
    Thanks Jack I'm hoping what I have planned is far different from unoriginal in the average apocalypse theme.

    Thanks Don for being honest and whatnot, of course who isn't on the internet heh. To start this is a rough draft, pretty much all details are subject to change at the moment. I'm bran new at writing stories, I'm just trying to put my imagination into writing at the moment heh.

    Think about it, if you were driving to work and there was a shortage of traffic would you suddenly expect doom and destruction? I'm going for the attitude of the denial in everyone that's used to the simple peaceful life, people will deny that something is wrong until it slaps them in the face, that's all I was aiming for.

    After the 911 call it did seem strange, so the main character called his home and asked if everything was ok, the tone that the family member had was that everything was as usual, thus leading the main character to the assumption that 911 is just having an off day so-to-speak.

    Normally when you realize something it means you didn't expect it before hand...

    The athlete thing was an attempt at a joke. Like I said I'm bran new at this and I'm not sure how you would give written words a sarcastic tone, I will try to edit that to make it a little more obvious.

    From what I have imagined in the future I will need to speed up the introductions if I ever want to actually finish the story heh, sorry about the rush but I just trying to create that sense of dread horror right away to get them into what is going to be happening later on.

    I will say again, you are right I am lost here, thats why I'm hoping to get some help with getting my imagination on paper Smile
    Of course it's a rough draft. I stand by what I said. You will find that honesty is what you'll get here. We do want to help and being honest is the only way to do that.

    Example- 911 puts you on hold and you don't realize something is very, very wrong? Just an example that, while the horror can be over the top. people's reactions to it would be normal.

    Take what I say and do what you want with it. I'm only one person.
    Okay, I could easily break this into two or three chapters.
    Don covered a lot of errors, so I won't elaborate.
    But, take your time, proofread, and edit. Also, read your story aloud. You will catch a lot of errors that way.
    Now, you have a good idea, spoiled only by bad sentence and paragraph structure. so you need to clean it up.

    Visit this website: http://www.writing-world.com/fiction/

    You will find a lot of help there.