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Poem written by Pritrostell on Tuesday 8, June 2010

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Description
Recent flood of poems made me attempt a second one... done on the spot kinda.

Overall Rating: 90.266666666667%

This writing has been rated by 3 members, resulting in a rating of 90.266666666667% overall. Below is a breakdown of these results:

Concept/Plot:92.666666666667%
Imagery:89.333333333333%
Spelling & Grammar:90.333333333333%
Flow/Rhythm:89.666666666667%
Vocabulary:89.333333333333%
You saw me from across the room, on that fateful day; You came over, gave me your hand, and asked if we could play. Soon after we started playing, you walked out the door; I hoped you would return to come and play with me some more. A week went by, my hopes were gone, I'd never see you again; Yet through that door you came once more, I hoped you would be my friend. You introduced me to your friends, and to your mom as well; We used to talked for hours on end, but then one day I fell. I scratched my face and back that day, you helped me to my feet; But we would never be the same, like that fateful day we'd meet. Ever since that day I fell you've spent less time with me; Going out, leaving me home, to talk with your mommy. Now that I think back to all those awesome days we had; I realize you pushed my buttons, always made me mad. I never really noticed how you idolize the new; Everything inside your life has to be had by few. I say these things on my last days, my time is running short; Not that you care you worthless pig, you're of the awful sort. My limbs are numb, my skin is scratched, I let out one last groan; "I hope you like your brand new slut, to you from your old phone."
   

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Comments

    The end caught me. Nice twist.

    It isn't an easy read. It's a little choppy to me. Good work, though.
    I love throwing twists in to my writing, especially poems.

    It's so much fun Smile
    Smart and imaginative, but there are a few (okay, several) areas where the reading bounces badly. That's always been a think with me. A quick edit could clear it up to run seamlessly.
    fixed it up as best I could, Poetry aint exactly my strong point Pfft

    Anyways, i'm off to explore more of the internets.
    Great! Loved it! Fabulous!
    I like this as well and it definitely reads better after the little revise. Good Work.
    Super! Loved this one.

    Nice work Prito