Immortal Minds

Fantasy written by Pritrostell on Thursday 20, May 2010

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Description
Chapter/Part 1: Trying a female main character, hope I don

Overall Rating: 89.24%

This writing has been rated by 5 members, resulting in a rating of 89.24% overall. Below is a breakdown of these results:

Concept/Plot:90.6%
Imagery:87.4%
Spelling & Grammar:89.8%
Flow/Rhythm:90%
Vocabulary:88.4%
A Note from the Author
I finally came up with what I think is a decent story line, hopefully you will too Smile I'm way ahead of myself on this one, as I already have the plot for the 'second story' half planned out. I'm hoping to make this one somewhat lengthy as most of my work is short stories and I would like to try a longer story. Hope you enjoy reading as much as I did writing Smile ________________________________________________________________________
Chapter 1
"Vanthir, Ramos, Skyre, Anthur." The trainer formed the symbols of each god with his hands as he said their names. He then spread his arms outwards facing away from him, one arm at each side of his body. A large stone pillar rose up behind him extending a hundred feet into the air. The giant rock slab donned a green glowing symbol composed of the symbols of each of the gods used in the summoning. "Alright, I want you all to practice the hand signals, but no summoning. Just form the symbols and remember to say the names out loud. This will help you form the correct symbol and avoid a mistake." He raised his arm in the air signaling that we could begin practicing. "Vanthir, Ramos, Skyre, Anthur." My name is Klair. I have short red hair and deep green eyes. The most embarrassing facial features I have are the freckles that cover my entire face. The reason I tell you this is because all warriors in our clan are required to wear full face covers. They're sort of like a ninja mask, except they also require our hair to be covered. We cannot have any distinguishing features visible when in battle to help protect us if our enemy gets away. "Vanthir, Ramos, Skyre, Halos." Our clan also forbids it's warriors from getting emotionally involved with another warrior. I am fully aware of this rule, and try my best to abide by it, but have been having troubles recently. There is this handsome warrior that I've been conversing with lately. We mostly meet in private behind the training building. We've never seen each other without our clan garb on, and are quite content just being able to talk to each other about the little things in our lives. As it stands we're just friends, and everyone will always know it that way, I just hope that he feels the same way I do. "Vanthir, Ramos, Forganium, Halos." Our clan enforces these strict policies for a single reason. We are the only people able to summon. It is a gift we have been both blessed and cursed with. The ability to summon any living creature and safe, humane traps is our blessing. Summoning new forms of demonic power and magic the likes of which have never been seen before, that is our curse. Our clan is often paid to protect, or attack other villages. Some of our usual orders involve overthrowing a local power, or protecting a princess or deity. But on occasion, a small war will break out between clans and we are hired by the richer of the two clans to destroy the other. All this ever proves to do is destroy both clans and leave us with money. On one side, the clan is destroyed; on the other, they become poor and desperate, sinking into debt and eventually losing all of the power they paid so much to protect. At the moment, all is peaceful and we are able to practice in the ways of humane trapping. That is what we are doing now, and any moment we should be able to summon. I always love that part. The ground shakes or the air crackles; you feel the forces of nature swirling around you, entering your body. Next thing you know a small pack of wolves is surrounding you, or a small pit has formed under your enemy. It is a thrill that cannot be compared to by any other in the entire world. I looked up and saw that the trainer had raised his hand. "Alright, that's enough practice. I want you to move away from the people around you so you have enough space to do the summon." Everyone scattered around the training field. Somehow I was left in the front of the group. I hated being in the front; It always put added pressure on me. The trainer raised his hand once more. "Go!"
   

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Comments

    Write from a female point of view? Good luck with that.

    Story seems to be going along nicely.

    You have a rule that forbids relationships. You are going to have to have a great explanation for the one you're writing about. Breaking a rule that way requires more than a casual write.

    I think you need to fill out what you have so far. This almost begs for description and imagery and background.
    Don's got the imagery part nailed. Now, I would add one thing. If you are a male, and writing a female character, get a female to read it. It can be your mom, your sister, your girlfriend, or a friend. Anyone, really. You will be surprised what you will learn.
    this may prove more challenging then I had hoped... I might edit this by just switching the characters positions... nothing worthy of a re-read by any means Pfft

    and as far as the rules of the village and it's warriors, it's coming. I needed to omit some stuff for later as I have a hard time making any long stories - I run out of material lol
    I agree; the only thing I've ever tried from a female point of view was Pureheart and that was only because it was a character I was already intimately acquainted with.

    I love this concept, and agree that it's begging for fleshing out; more detail please.

    It's going to need background - a mythology, if you will.

    Also, a minor glitch ; you have a habit of confusing it, and it's - such as;

    Our clan also forbids it's warriors from getting emotionally involved with another warrior

    I do this a lot, as well.

    Great story, waiting for more.
    For a minute there I was completely immersed in the story Until I realized that you were using the word our a little to much.

    Oh and I love the way your going from a girls point of view. It makes you sound like you know more about the opposite sex than the rest of us, while it gives us ,the readers, to ponder about the true thoughts of women. Heh
    Haha Klair (Blair); love those names =-)

    You've got me hooked, keep it going!