Jack

Thriller written by ArnWeber on Friday 14, May 2010

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Description
Short story - 967 words.

Overall Rating: 91.7%

This writing has been rated by 8 members, resulting in a rating of 91.7% overall. Below is a breakdown of these results:

Concept/Plot:94.375%
Imagery:92.375%
Spelling & Grammar:88.625%
Flow/Rhythm:93.25%
Vocabulary:89.875%
I know who you are. You are Jack. That is all you need to know. You don't know me, but I know you. I am the little man in the refrigerator who turns on the light. I am the man who sits in the moon. I am with you everywhere you go. I am your best friend. I am your worst enemy. You are never without me. I go everywhere you go. You cannot hide from me. You cannot escape me. You do not need to know me. I know enough about you for the both of us. I know that you dreamed of being a fireman when you were a kid. I know that you had a crush on Margot Anderson in the ninth grade. I know that you lied about having sex when your little step-brother caught you. I know more about you than you know. I know how you took pictures of Dolores as she got changed. I know that you lied after getting caught. I know everything about you. Think. Think back to your earliest memories. Think about that night with your mother when you were three years old. Think about your pain - her pain. You were lying in bed, pretending to be asleep when out of the living room came a scream. Think about those officers, you know you remember them, when they told your mother that her husband was dead. Remember your curiosity, Jack. You did not even know what death was! He died and you did not even know what had happened to him. For all you knew he might have won the lottery. Damn you, Jack! I know you. Think back to that day that your mother ceased to be. Remember her! Remember the look of terror in her eyes. Remember the look of fear that became frozen on her face when she died. You were not so young that you cannot remember - think back carefully. Think! There. Now you have it. Crying will not help you now. See her face, Jack! See there fear that engulfed her! That most powerful emotion. The most evil emotion. You know how she died! You saw her die, Jack! Remember the day that she brought home that man. Usually she brought them to sleazy motels, almost as sleazy as her! Remember her, Jack! Your dear mother! Remember why she did it, Jack. She did it so that you might eat and play and sleep and dream in comfort! Remember when he pulled out that knife, Jack! Summon those emotions and those images from the deep abyss that is your mind! Remember the anger. Remember the rage when he forced that damned blade into her chest. Remember when he did it again and again and again. Remember the blood that splattered onto his face as he laughed hysterically! Remember the tears that fell onto the ground from your cheeks as she drop, lifeless, onto the floor. I remember everything about you, Jack. Reminisce of that night in the alley as the little boy play with his dog. You came to him. You chatted with him. You befriended him. You gave him a toy for his dog. Remember that, Jack? Remember his thankfulness at the kindness of a total stranger? I know that you do. I know that you remember it! Remember, Jack! Remember when you went out for revenge, Jack! Remember, Jack, the look of terror on that little boy's face as you did to him as his father did to your sordid mother! Remember the puzzled look as he fell to the ground, just as she had, in a puddle of his own blood. It took long for him to die, Jack. Longer than for your mother! Remember how long it took, Jack? He breathed in and out slowly. He was a big boy, Jack. He didn't even cry. You cried, Jack! You cried when that bastard's father killed your mother! You were a little boy! Now you cried as you took his life. Remember, Jack. You must remember! You know that you remember! Whatever they say, you have the memory. It is not hidden, Jack. You did not suppress the memory. You remember the frigid air. You remember seeing his breath while he fell, Jack! You remember the look on his face. I know that you can remember it. Remember! He thought you were a nice man, Jack. He thought you wanted to befriend him! He could never have guessed that you were his worst nightmare! You knew even before you ever laid eyes on him that you were going to kill him - to cut him up like his father did to the last person you had in the world! You remember how dark it was, that night in the alley. You cried that night, Jack. You cried like a little boy who lost his mommy! Remember the look of horror as he drew his last breath! He was not even alive when his father committed that heinous act! He was only ten when you killed him. His father had killed your mother five years before he was born! It was not his fault, Jack. It was not his fault! He was not involved. He would not have wanted his father to do what he did! He did not even know what his father had done! You are evil and grotesque, Jack! You are a murderer. You share with your mother's murderer the face of evil! Before that time, you had seen evil only once, Jack! But now - now you see it every time you look in the mirror. The reflection that comes from the mirror is no longer yours, Jack. It is the face of the devil himself. I know you, Jack.
   

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Comments

    A nice piece.

    On a personal note, I think the last sentence is unnecessary. For me, it detracts from the rest of the narrative; lessening it.

    A couple of errors you might want to fix;

    See there fear that engulfed her! - the

    Remember the tears that fell onto the ground from your cheeks as she drop, lifeless, onto the floor.-dropped

    But, a great piece altogether, and well written and constructed.
    I wrote it in about two hours. An hour the first night, a few minutes editing it the next afternoon, and about an hour finishing it. I'm so lazy I haven't even bothered to proofread it.
    I'll fix those parts, Vermithrax.
    Nice and dark. A good story.
    Brilliant. I just loved it.
    This was great, I love it. The ending really finished it off great.
    I thought that the first lines were terrible.
    That's much better. There's impact now.
    Strong writing.
    Great story. Creeped me out big time. Should be required reading for every potential murderer (in other words, everyone). Couple of word issues: past of drop is dropped, past of play is played. Minor stuff, but they did break the flow a bit.