Since White

Story written by Malicepoint on Wednesday 12, May 2010

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Description
Part one,I hope you enjoy>Reconstructed again, lets get this right!

Overall Rating: 85%

This writing has been rated by 4 members, resulting in a rating of 85% overall. Below is a breakdown of these results:

Concept/Plot:91.25%
Imagery:84%
Spelling & Grammar:80%
Flow/Rhythm:84.25%
Vocabulary:85.5%
It was the third day of summer vacation when I met Kelly in person. I could specifically remember it was the third day of summer only because it was two weeks after the day that my mother died. You could say that my mother was that of the wild sort. Never having a place that she really fit in. Which was the main reason I lived with my dad. To this day I still don't understand why my mother and father didn't live with each other. You would be surprised at how my dad could live with this and still control a relationship over the years with only seeing mother once a year. But I on the other hand was able to see her for a whole month out of the year. That single month out of each year always showed me why father still loved mother. At one moment she could be yelling and hollering about the simplest of things. But the next moment she would be apologizing right back. Or if she were to get anything wrong or do something stupid, it would be like windless day. The only words being said by her were that of sadness and selflessness. This made no difference to me, for I was a child with many years ahead of him. My first true confrontation with Kelly had sort of gone like this: "Thank you for coming.It is a pleasure to see the first of the many... people yet to arrive." I had said. My eyes were dead bloodshot at the time so I didn't even bother to look down and meet her eyes. Her voice was more sturdy and strong than mine could possibly be at a moment where you feel completely vulnerable to anyone of the many elements. "I am sorry for your loss," she had said slowly."If I may it would be a pleasure to see you after your supposed mourning period.I believe it your right to know your mothers last words." She had said these words slowly, not giving me any chance to misunderstand. The feelings or emotions that erupted within myself brought me to look actually at the women not at her shadow. Her appearance was exactly how mother had described. She was the supposed women my mother wanted me to marry. I only knew this because of the many times, she had spoken of her. Golden locks of hair ran down her face and sleek neck, falling upon a white dress. All peaking from sea[left][/left] blue eyes, which were not quite green nor blue. I can only think such thoughts because mother loved this women to the core. She had been the women to take care of her since even her own childhood. I had of course seen her before the day but this did not stop me from feeling that I was the one in the wrong. Since childhood, I had lived with my father. Going only to visit mother on those short trips to the shores of Carolina. Little did I know before my first visit to my mothers home, had I known she adopted a little girl my age only months after she had left. Right before me stood the true mourner of my mother, her true daughter, not I, her son. But someone who had lived day to day with my mother giving each other those small burst of energy to keep moving. I was an imposter, a person despicable for believing myself to be sad over my own mothers death. When the women before me stood as strong as flag pole in a hurricane of disaster. Leaving me only one choice to redeem myself. "No, I'm sorry...Kelly" I said in low voice with my eyes looking directly into hers.
   

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Comments

    imposer- think you meant imposter.

    Little did I know before my first visit to my mother's had I known she adopted a little girl my age only months after she had left- needs rewritten.

    all peaking from see blue eyes. Which were - see? Also, this should be one sentence the way it's written.


    I believe it your right to know your mothers last words, if that may be accepted?"- accepted?

    When the women before me stood as strong as flag pole in a hurricane of disaster.- pretty good line.

    Could be a powerful story.
    Little did I know before my first visit to my mother's had I known she adopted a little girl my age only months after she had left

    I meant mother's as where she lived but i realized that I used it as possessive when you pointed it out to me Don but all the other things were dead on.
    in the second paragraph, to me, i thought that it was too choppy w/ the period; combine some sentences such as: "You could say that my mother was that of the wild sort. Never having a place that she really fit in." that could all be one sentence instead of 2.
    other than minor stuff like that, I'm hooked =-)
    Interesting tale. A good story.

    I'm thinking perhaps you should have someone proofread your work? It does need a bit of cleaning.
    Cleaning up aside, I like it so far.
    Or if she were to get-comma after Or.

    If I may- comma

    Not that important but not nit-picking either. Perhaps a proofreader would catch this, but the average reader wouldn't. I'd proofread it for you if you'd like.

    This is an enjoyable read and I'd like to see more of it. You can "perfect" it later.

    I re-rated this.