My contest entry for May
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Out in the remote deserts of Arizona, there is a very, very small town called Casa Antigua. The town is tiny and secluded, and its very existence is kept a secret by the U. S. government. Its sole purpose is to serve as a nursing home and assisted living for the aged. Now, these aged people are not your normal old folks. They are retired super heroes and arch villains. And this is where our story begins.
Superman, alias Clark Kent, is sitting on the shaded veranda in his blue tights. Now, no one at that age and with that size of a belly should be wearing blue tights. But, Superman still wears his costume. Along comes Lex Luthor, greatest criminal genius in the world;
"Get it right, Narrator! Greatest criminal genius in the galaxy!"
Ahem. Along comes Lex Luthor, the Greatest Criminal Genius in the galaxy, on his mean and green wheelchair. It's green because it is powered by apple juice. It's mean because the apple juice is radioactive, which means the wheelchair won't run out of fuel for 8,167 years, 4 months, 2 days, and 35 minutes. It can run the quarter mile in a drag race in twenty-two seconds even. He rolls up to Superman and says hello.
"Hey! Clark! Wassup!"
Superman awakens from his morning nap to smile and nod at Lex. He watches as Lex begins to set up his laptop and surf the web, checking his email and then moving on to one of his favorite sites. Lex has a fondness for looking at photos and videos of girls in bikinis, and that is usually how he spends his mornings. In the afternoons, he works in his lab trying to make yogurt and cottage cheese taste good.
"You know, Lex," says Superman, "you should have settled down and married a nice girl. Maybe even had a family. Look at Lois and I. We had Clark, Jr. He's coming to visit today. Then you wouldn't have to look at that silly stuff on the web."
"Bullfeathers!" says Lex. "I was a villain, and a darn good one;..err;.bad one, I guess. We don't marry. We hang with hotties in bikinis, miniskirts, and tube tops. Well, I did fool around a bit in my day. So maybe I have a son or daughter out there somewhere."
"Clark, Jr. is coming for a visit today, Lex."
"Yeah, and what a wuss he turned out to be! Not a superhero, and not even a regular hero. Just a lousy Microsoft Certified Systems Engineer. You really blew it on that one, Kent!"
And with that, Superman goes back to his unfinished nap and Lex watches a video of a girl in a slingshot bikini dancing on the beach.
Around ten A.M., a black Lexus RX300 pulls into the parking lot. A nice-looking young man dressed in tan Dockers, a red Izod golf shirt, white Reeboks and carrying a brief case emerges and heads up to the balcony. He sees his father napping, and sits in a chair next to him, being careful not to awaken his Dad. He smiles and takes in the morning sun.
"Hey! Clark!" says Luthor, "Wake up! Your kid's here."
The father and son say hello, chat, and make simple conversation. Luthor continues to watch the videos on his computer.
The scene now switches to an uncharted village deep in the Amazon Basin in Brazil. The name of the village on which we are focusing is called Serpiente Maligna, and is not shown on any map. Furthermore, no road leading to it is shown on any map either. It is in this town, in a large cavern, that a truly evil genius lives.
Deep within the cavern, surrounded by Sun Microsystems UNIX servers, sits a completely bald man at a table. He has four Mac's in front of him to talk to the servers. Also sitting with him, filing their fingernails, are a blonde and a brunette, quite shapely, dressed only in tiny slingshot bikinis. Well, they are really large band-aids held together by dental floss. The man is Lex Luthor, Jr., greatest computer and cyberspace hacker in the world.
"Dammit, Narrator, get it right! I am the;.."
Okay, all right already! The man is Lex Luthor, Jr., greatest computer and cyberspace hacker in the galaxy.
"That's more like it."
"Lex, honey," says the brunette, "when is the new virus and worm going to be ready?"
"Well," says Lex, Jr., "it's actually a combination of a virus and worm. I call it a "virum.' It will bring down the web. I'm going to hold the world for ransom before I release it. I just don't know what to ask for as payment."
"Dumb ass," says the blonde to the brunette. "Don't know the difference between a virus and worm. What can you expect from a clone?"
"I'm not the clone!" shouts the brunette. "You're the dumbass clone!"
"Okay, ladies, enough!" says Lex, Jr. "How about ten billion? Five billion in gold and five billion in convertible bonds. And we use the Euro as our standard. Oh, and the island of Petit St. Vincent as well. We get a really nice Caribbean location, with great beaches, and we kick Mick Jagger's ancient ass out. How's that sound?"
"Can we get a concert by Beyonce?" asks the brunette.
"Yes, and one by Shakira," asks the blonde. "And I want belly dancing lessons."
"Ladies," says a sighing Lex, Jr., "yes, you can have that. Now, here, use my software and find an unprotected IP address. See what someone is doing on the web."
The two women giggle, engage the software, and begin to surf. They find some people shopping, a few kids chatting, and finally they find someone surfing a site that features girls in bikinis. After a bit of catty talk, the two airheads take over the man's computer and activate the webcam. The women giggle seeing this old bald guy looking at young girls. The man is shocked seeing the video he was watching go away and be replaced by two real females.
"Gee, Lex honey," says the blonde, "this old guy looks just like an old version of you."
Lex, Jr., looks at the screen and does a double take. The man could be his father. On the other side, the man does a double take. The young guy could be his son. There are a few moments of very pregnant silence.
"You look like you could be my Dad," says Lex, Jr., activating the speakers and the microphone. "Wow! This is wild!"
"And you could be my son," says Lex Luthor.
"What's your name, Old Man?" says Lex, Jr.
"Lex Luthor, Greatest Criminal Genius in the Galaxy."
"Dad! I'm your long-lost son! I'm Lex Luthor, Jr., The Greatest Cyberspace and Internet Hacker in the Galaxy!"
The two men try to hug each other (even arch-villains like hugs,) but it really doesn't work since they are about two thousand miles apart. They chat for a bit, and then Lex Luthor calls out to Superman.
"Clark! I found my son! He's here on the web! Come and take a look!"
Superman and his son check out the computer screen. Clark smiles, but his son grimaces. He recognizes the evil face on the other side of the screen. In the meantime, Father and Son continue carrying on their conversation.
"What you up to, Son?"
"I've just written this combination virus and worm. I call it a virum. It will bring down the whole Internet unless the World pays me ten billion. Five billion in gold and five billion in convertible bonds. Oh, and I want the island of Petit St. Vincent as my own, as well as concerts by Beyonce and Shakira."
"Bummer, Son," says Lex, Sr. "If you bring down the web, I won't be able to surf for bikini sites anymore."
While this goes on, Clark Kent, Jr., runs into the nursing home looking for an empty room. He finally finds a room where Wonder Woman is sound asleep. He opens his briefcase and changes into his superhero costume, runs out onto the veranda, and stands behind Lex, Sr., in full view of the webcam.
Now, this costume is a sight to behold. It is a black, one-piece unitard complete with hood and Geoffrey Beene sunglasses. Clark, Jr. looks great in it because he spends three hours a day at the gym. The unitard is covered in gold lines. Every so often, a bright yellow ball appears and one end of one of the gold lines and travels to another, giving the suit the appearance of a circuit board. On his chest, written boldly, are the letters "IBM."
"Mainframe Man!" shouts Lex, Jr. "I will hack you! I will overflow your databases and hard drives!"
"I will stop you dead and fry your SCSI and video cards!" shouts Mainframe Man.
Well, the exchange goes on like that for a bit more, and Lex, Jr. breaks the connection. Mainframe Man looks at his father.
"I'm really sorry, Dad, but I had to keep this a secret," he says.
"I understand, Son," says Superman, and he goes back to sleep.
"Well, this will be fun," says Lex Luthor, Sr., rubbing his hand together.
"Time for your morning snack," says a nurse, appearing out of nowhere. "Cottage cheese and yogurt with fresh strawberries."
Will Mainframe Man be able to stop Lex Luthor, Jr., in his evil plot to take over and destroy the Internet? Watch this space next week!
Oh, wait. If you can't get on the web by next week, you know Lex, Jr. won. If all you see are Beyonce and Shakira videos, you know Lex, Jr. won as well.
C'est la vie!