Cats.

Story written by Rob Kosy on Saturday 24, April 2010

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Description
They're out to get me....................

Overall Rating: 93.875%

This writing has been rated by 8 members, resulting in a rating of 93.875% overall. Below is a breakdown of these results:

Concept/Plot:94.375%
Imagery:94.375%
Spelling & Grammar:91.875%
Flow/Rhythm:94.625%
Vocabulary:94.125%
One ginger little shit was even industrious enough to drag a half-eaten bag of fish and chips onto my lawn. It then had the temerity to "meow" at me, which to my cat-hating mind sounded a lot like, "Where's the salt, Rob?" After checking that we were alone, I did, of course, explain to the cheeky russet-rascal that my garden was not a motorway cafe and politely asked him to leave. "Soon as I've finished this, squire!" its little wink seemed to say before it dived into the leftover supper, not budging until every scrap was consumed. Now, as we all know, domestic felines are the inferior cousins of the big African cats, and while browsing the web one day I came across something that I felt sure would rid me of my infestation once and for all. "Big Bubba's Powdered Lion Stools" declared the ad in bold, brown type. "Buy two for only £8.99 each and recieve this handy bear suit absolutely free." There was even a free sieve in which to sow your purchase, ensuring an even coverage. "Wow!" I exclaimed, recalling with distain how the feline shitting machines not only littered my garden with Tracker bars, but also marked their territory with that awful, stinking spray of theirs. I almost marked my own territory out of sheer excitement as I pictured their furry expressions suddenly plummeting from nonchalant, arrogant roost-ruler to terrified, domesticated pet upon their first whiff of Big Bubba's terrifying scent. Laughing, I passed over my debit card details as though they were a dose of gonorrhoea that might be instantly purged by my purchase. A cat free existence beckoned and the rest of the evening would be spent in anticipation of that blissful state. TheRapists would recieve not one, shiny penny from the Kosy coffers. Big Bubba would see to that. * * * * It is three nights hence. A dark, grizzly bear emerges from the front door of number eleven Psychodelia street and lumbers out into the garden. In one paw it holds a large bucket of Big Bubba's Powdered Lion Stool; in the other a sieve. Without preamble or fear of detection (of course not, its a bear..............Grrrrrrrrr) the animal dumps the contents of the bucket into the sieve and begins dispensing it to the gardens many nooks and crannies. Finally satisfied -and with both buckets empty- the fearsome beast wipes a forearm across its craggy brow, takes a long, long drag on its cigarette and roars its satisfaction into the night. Trembling at the living room window, Mrs Bear stands with the frying pan at her shoulder, a copy of the yellow-pages on the table and studies the section marked TheRapists. * * * *
   

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Comments

    Erm..,

    Rob..,

    This is funny, off the wall, totally English nonsense..,

    And I loved it.

    (and I'm a cat lover, sorry. I'm a doggy lover as well, tho, but not in the biblical sense.(or the cat...))

    Very, very, well done; worthy of Savage_Cushions at his most humerous.
    OMG!!!! OMG!!!This was probably the funniest piece I have seen so far!!!!
    "The shit quotient increased to the nth degree, only now glazed with a gaudy, orange vomit. A sort of muesli bar garnish.
    "
    Just too awesome!! Just tooooooo freakin' awesome
    I will refrain from rating, since i love cats so much. Just wanted to say, it is very enjoyable.
    Wow! Thanks chaps.
    "Worthy of savage at his most humerous". Bloody hell Verm, mucho praise indeed.
    Blue, good to see you back reading and posting (I'm gonna read yours right after this).
    By the way, I actualy like cats & feed all the local ones. I've found that that's the best way to keep them from crapping in your garden.Wink
    I was laughing so much by page four I had to stop for a wee!! Lolz!!

    Brilliantly funny, brilliantly executed and paced perfectly. Awesome Rob. Grin
    Meow!

    The same middle-aged fountain of spinster knowledge who once, when on hands and knees scrubbing her kitchen floor, experienced a sudden and mysterious paralysis. She was only released from her "Littlest Hobo" parody when, some hours later, she finally realized that she was kneeling on her breasts.- where did this come from? I laughed my butt off.

    I re-read it to be sure I was reading and not having a humor nightmare. Turns out , it was both.

    Absolutely hilarious!
    What can I say? Superb! Hysterical!

    I am in truly in awe - this is a comic masterpiece; nuttier than a bar of Cadbury's fruit and nut with the chocolate melted off and the fruity bits strategically extracted with tweezers... (and of course the wrapper needs to have been removed at the outset for this metaphor to work at all).

    I am not at all surprised you live in Psychedelia street Rob; there is a definite recreational whiff about this whole piece. I love the throw-away references to carpet gripper, the swing, and of course Mrs Bear who deserves the upmost sympathy of all of us.

    I would possibly take issue with your assertion that the world would continue to revolve even without the admirable work of those rotund ladies that so inspired Mr Mercury, but otherwise this is a faultless slice of studied silliness.

    Brilliant!
    Double wow!
    Many, many thanks for your motivating comments. I'm glad you all enjoyed it.
    I loved your Fruit & Nut analogy Savage (you little royster-doyster you) but I liken it more to a Cadbury's Boost -they're slightly rippled with a flat underside (approriate floating Reeves and Mortimer hand gestures here)- if you remember the old TV ads.
    And, Don. It's actually me who experiences the humour nightmares. You lot are kind enough to lend a sympathetic ear (or eye in this case)
    Stay tuned for more nonsense soon........Shock
    In the beginning, God created Adam.
    Then he created Eve.
    Then he created dog, to be a friend and to worship and trust Adam (Eve would never trust him.)
    Thus, did Adam's ego grow.
    And Eve notified God of the situation.
    So God created the cat.
    And the cat did not care.
    I know, I have two.
    Grin