Cats.

Story written by Rob Kosy on Saturday 24, April 2010

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Description
They're out to get me....................

Overall Rating: 93.875%

This writing has been rated by 8 members, resulting in a rating of 93.875% overall. Below is a breakdown of these results:

Concept/Plot:94.375%
Imagery:94.375%
Spelling & Grammar:91.875%
Flow/Rhythm:94.625%
Vocabulary:94.125%
My wife believes my preoccupation borders close to obsession. That I am growing moody, unpredictable. That I should seek help? "Go and see a therapist." she nags, wielding the frying pan at her shoulder. But like I told her, "If you think I'm going to pay good money to someone who's professional title is only a word space away from 'The rapist', then you're as deluded as Gordon Brown's press agent. Why do they persecute me? Surely there are more deserving candidates? Just three houses along lives a traffic warden.......... My world has become a feline Twilight Zone. My mind a cat-dominated fugue, exasperated by the fact that not one of my neighbours actually owns one of the mouse-molesting shit-bags. Honestly people, I've tried everything. One of my neighbours -a particularly opinionated, never-married, community gossip type- advocated orange peel. "Why?" I enquired, hopefully. Her response was a simple shrug followed by the knowing wink of a wise old sage who has never been wrong in her entire life and would love nothing better than for you to suggest otherwise. The same middle-aged fountain of spinster knowledge who once, when on hands and knees scrubbing her kitchen floor, experienced a sudden and mysterious paralysis. She was only released from her "Littlest Hobo" parody when, some hours later, she finally realized that she was kneeling on her breasts. In-spite of this troubling insight into a neighbour's sagging psyche, I tried the orange peel anyway. And would you believe it? (No they didn't die or flee in terror) The furry little bastards actually ate it.............. The shit quotient increased to the nth degree, only now glazed with a gaudy, orange vomit. A sort of muesli bar garnish. But come on........what the hell was I expecting? Vinegar was next. "That'll get rid o'them our Robert." my dear old mum assured me. As it turned out, it had its good and bad points. On the plus side, the orange vomit ceased and the cat-shit-muesli-bars, for the time being, vanished. On the negative, the areas where said vomit and crap had lain were now occupied by yet more cats. But not ordinary cats. They were cats with food parcels. The meals-on-wheels, all you can eat, round the clock, buffet express of sodding cats. My garden was a sudden proliferation of dead birds and small rodents, marinated in vinegar. I can only assume that the condiment added a little extra spice to an otherwise bland snack.
   

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Comments

    Erm..,

    Rob..,

    This is funny, off the wall, totally English nonsense..,

    And I loved it.

    (and I'm a cat lover, sorry. I'm a doggy lover as well, tho, but not in the biblical sense.(or the cat...))

    Very, very, well done; worthy of Savage_Cushions at his most humerous.
    OMG!!!! OMG!!!This was probably the funniest piece I have seen so far!!!!
    "The shit quotient increased to the nth degree, only now glazed with a gaudy, orange vomit. A sort of muesli bar garnish.
    "
    Just too awesome!! Just tooooooo freakin' awesome
    I will refrain from rating, since i love cats so much. Just wanted to say, it is very enjoyable.
    Wow! Thanks chaps.
    "Worthy of savage at his most humerous". Bloody hell Verm, mucho praise indeed.
    Blue, good to see you back reading and posting (I'm gonna read yours right after this).
    By the way, I actualy like cats & feed all the local ones. I've found that that's the best way to keep them from crapping in your garden.Wink
    I was laughing so much by page four I had to stop for a wee!! Lolz!!

    Brilliantly funny, brilliantly executed and paced perfectly. Awesome Rob. Grin
    Meow!

    The same middle-aged fountain of spinster knowledge who once, when on hands and knees scrubbing her kitchen floor, experienced a sudden and mysterious paralysis. She was only released from her "Littlest Hobo" parody when, some hours later, she finally realized that she was kneeling on her breasts.- where did this come from? I laughed my butt off.

    I re-read it to be sure I was reading and not having a humor nightmare. Turns out , it was both.

    Absolutely hilarious!
    What can I say? Superb! Hysterical!

    I am in truly in awe - this is a comic masterpiece; nuttier than a bar of Cadbury's fruit and nut with the chocolate melted off and the fruity bits strategically extracted with tweezers... (and of course the wrapper needs to have been removed at the outset for this metaphor to work at all).

    I am not at all surprised you live in Psychedelia street Rob; there is a definite recreational whiff about this whole piece. I love the throw-away references to carpet gripper, the swing, and of course Mrs Bear who deserves the upmost sympathy of all of us.

    I would possibly take issue with your assertion that the world would continue to revolve even without the admirable work of those rotund ladies that so inspired Mr Mercury, but otherwise this is a faultless slice of studied silliness.

    Brilliant!
    Double wow!
    Many, many thanks for your motivating comments. I'm glad you all enjoyed it.
    I loved your Fruit & Nut analogy Savage (you little royster-doyster you) but I liken it more to a Cadbury's Boost -they're slightly rippled with a flat underside (approriate floating Reeves and Mortimer hand gestures here)- if you remember the old TV ads.
    And, Don. It's actually me who experiences the humour nightmares. You lot are kind enough to lend a sympathetic ear (or eye in this case)
    Stay tuned for more nonsense soon........Shock
    In the beginning, God created Adam.
    Then he created Eve.
    Then he created dog, to be a friend and to worship and trust Adam (Eve would never trust him.)
    Thus, did Adam's ego grow.
    And Eve notified God of the situation.
    So God created the cat.
    And the cat did not care.
    I know, I have two.
    Grin