Story written by Rob Kosy on Saturday 24, April 2010

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They're out to get me....................

Overall Rating: 93.875%

This writing has been rated by 8 members, resulting in a rating of 93.875% overall. Below is a breakdown of these results:

Spelling & Grammar:91.875%
Selfish......arrogant.......disloyal. They feign affection with all the guile of a fraudster attempting to steal a pension book; obtaining treats via the kind of insincerity inherent in a politician conspiring to swindle a vote. Cats..................I hate them! Despite their failings, however, I must grudgingly concede that they are somebody's pet. Somewhere they are loved, no matter how unrequited that affection may be. So in deference to the love that makes the "world go round"* I could never intentionally harm them. I would never dream of poisoning their food, for instance. Nor of introducing crushed glass into their litter trays. I would certainly not want to secure carpet grippers to the top of my garden fence in hopes that they might tear out their insides on the hideously augmented spikes. And it is with hand on heart when I say that the thought of throwing a cat into a pit occupied by hungry dogs and looking on as said K9's tear the feline fur-ball to pieces in a stomach-churning battle for meat..................has never crossed my mind. *In the increasingly self-serving climes in which we exist, I remain a believer in the one thing (apart from toilet roll and taxes) that seperates us from the animals. Love, as someone once said, really does make the world go round. Though our numbers are dwindling, there are many who share my belief, many who rise each morning and graft-off their unmentionables in the cause of family unity, of selflessness, of love. But even within this utopian group, the exclusively human pastime of argument still exists.Since the tragic passing of Freddy Mercury and "Queen's" subsequent disbandment, there is a growing debate among us with regard to who, or what, actually animates the sphere on which we live. Queen's legion of fans profess that the rotation of the Earth is the task of "fat bottomed girls". This is bollocks! The chubby-arsed ladies are charged solely with twirling the rocking world. No other planes of existence are moved by their gyrations. If the legend that is Mercury were here he would tell you........then rock you! For what its worth, my loathing of all things feline stems, not from their negative personalities, but, ironically, from their generosity and the little gifts they seem compelled to award me. Overturned plant pots, gouges in fence posts, the drunken howling of the randy little bastards throughout the night and -the kicker- their delightful muesli bars.

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    This is funny, off the wall, totally English nonsense..,

    And I loved it.

    (and I'm a cat lover, sorry. I'm a doggy lover as well, tho, but not in the biblical sense.(or the cat...))

    Very, very, well done; worthy of Savage_Cushions at his most humerous.
    OMG!!!! OMG!!!This was probably the funniest piece I have seen so far!!!!
    "The shit quotient increased to the nth degree, only now glazed with a gaudy, orange vomit. A sort of muesli bar garnish.
    Just too awesome!! Just tooooooo freakin' awesome
    I will refrain from rating, since i love cats so much. Just wanted to say, it is very enjoyable.
    Wow! Thanks chaps.
    "Worthy of savage at his most humerous". Bloody hell Verm, mucho praise indeed.
    Blue, good to see you back reading and posting (I'm gonna read yours right after this).
    By the way, I actualy like cats & feed all the local ones. I've found that that's the best way to keep them from crapping in your garden.Wink
    I was laughing so much by page four I had to stop for a wee!! Lolz!!

    Brilliantly funny, brilliantly executed and paced perfectly. Awesome Rob. Grin

    The same middle-aged fountain of spinster knowledge who once, when on hands and knees scrubbing her kitchen floor, experienced a sudden and mysterious paralysis. She was only released from her "Littlest Hobo" parody when, some hours later, she finally realized that she was kneeling on her breasts.- where did this come from? I laughed my butt off.

    I re-read it to be sure I was reading and not having a humor nightmare. Turns out , it was both.

    Absolutely hilarious!
    What can I say? Superb! Hysterical!

    I am in truly in awe - this is a comic masterpiece; nuttier than a bar of Cadbury's fruit and nut with the chocolate melted off and the fruity bits strategically extracted with tweezers... (and of course the wrapper needs to have been removed at the outset for this metaphor to work at all).

    I am not at all surprised you live in Psychedelia street Rob; there is a definite recreational whiff about this whole piece. I love the throw-away references to carpet gripper, the swing, and of course Mrs Bear who deserves the upmost sympathy of all of us.

    I would possibly take issue with your assertion that the world would continue to revolve even without the admirable work of those rotund ladies that so inspired Mr Mercury, but otherwise this is a faultless slice of studied silliness.

    Double wow!
    Many, many thanks for your motivating comments. I'm glad you all enjoyed it.
    I loved your Fruit & Nut analogy Savage (you little royster-doyster you) but I liken it more to a Cadbury's Boost -they're slightly rippled with a flat underside (approriate floating Reeves and Mortimer hand gestures here)- if you remember the old TV ads.
    And, Don. It's actually me who experiences the humour nightmares. You lot are kind enough to lend a sympathetic ear (or eye in this case)
    Stay tuned for more nonsense soon........Shock
    In the beginning, God created Adam.
    Then he created Eve.
    Then he created dog, to be a friend and to worship and trust Adam (Eve would never trust him.)
    Thus, did Adam's ego grow.
    And Eve notified God of the situation.
    So God created the cat.
    And the cat did not care.
    I know, I have two.