Trusting April - Part 1

Story written by Pritrostell on Saturday 10, April 2010

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Description
Chapters 1-3

Overall Rating: 89.2%

This writing has been rated by 3 members, resulting in a rating of 89.2% overall. Below is a breakdown of these results:

Concept/Plot:89%
Imagery:90%
Spelling & Grammar:89%
Flow/Rhythm:88.666666666667%
Vocabulary:89.333333333333%
A Note From the Author
This is the first story I've ever even thought of that wasn't a fantasy story so... it might be a bit rocky at times. The purpose of this story is to practice my character development, because that's the hardest thing for me right now. This stories chapters will be about one word document page in length so the story will be short. Also, this story has foul language strewn through almost every chapter so get used to it Smile Hope you enjoy! __________________________________________________________________________
Trusting April
Chapter 1
It's Christmas eve, and the snow is falling gently over the already draped landscape. My wife and I, as well as our two children are sitting at the table eating our Christmas eve pizza like we do every year. Feelings of happiness and love fill the room as we talk and laugh with each other. When dinner is over we head to the den and I put some wood in the fireplace while my wife finds all of the Christmas cartoons on the tube. We all sit down on the couch, huddled under a blanket with hot cocoa. So far it's a perfect evening. Finally it hits 8:30PM and we send the kids off to bed. The give a reluctant sigh before hurrying up the stairs. We tell them to brush their teeth but we both know it wont happen. We give it a half an hour before we check on them, finding them both sound asleep in their beds. This wont last long, but it's just enough time for us to be together. We throw on our coats, toss the dog a bone, and head out the front door. We live in a friendly, family-based neighborhood so we trust that a locked door will serve our purposes. We wont be gone long anyways. My wife and I stroll down a cleared path that runs alongside a thick treeline. The snow is lightly falling and everything is silent. Only the crunch of the snow beneath our feet and the whisper of our breath can be heard. We climb to the top of a nearby hill and stare out at the stars above. I turn to my wife and tell her I love her. We kiss passionately, and time seems to stand still. This moment is perfect. We start playing around in the snow and she ends up rolling down the hill. I start laughing and make my way down to her. Something catches my eyes and I stop halfway. An unknown person dressed all in black is behind my wife. Streaks of red glisten in the snow underneath them, and my wife breathes out one last whisper before falling to the ground. Thoughts of anger and despair swell within me and I run towards the person in black. I knock them onto the ground with all of my might, throwing the knife out of their hand. Unable to control myself, I unleash a barrage of punches and kicks to the unknown persons head and torso. Only by the will of three cops am I pulled off of the now bloody corpse. I am unaware of how long it's been since it all happened. An hour? Maybe two? My mind switches to my wife, and I rush to her side. The shimmering pool of blood has grown much larger, and she has no breath left in her. Tears stream down my face, and I look up to find my two kids standing just ten feet away on either side of an officer, faces buried into their favorite stuffed animals. An officer comes behind me and handcuffs me. It's only then that I realize I've murdered a person with just my hands. Tears stream down my face as the officer walks me to his cruiser. My children are watching this man take me away from them; their mother lifeless in the snow. As I am lead to the cruiser another officer removed the mask worn by the assailant. It's my half-brother and best friend. I turn to look behind me as the cop takes me away. All I can see are the faces of my two children staring back at me, knowing nothing about what has happened; what is going to happen. They had no Christmas that year, and it would be the last time I would see them again. My name is Peter Lancaster, and I have nothing left but memories of pain and suffering. I have nothing left except for the lifeless husk they call my body. My life has only one purpose now, I've just yet to figure it out.
   

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Comments

    Interesting concept; Iwant to see where this goes.

    A few errors; nothing major.

    Well told.
    How did one person become "they"?

    Why are you arrested? Why won't you see your kids again?

    I'm not sure what the connect is with this page and what happens next.

    I'm not going to rate this until I see what's going on.
    Don brought up some good points. I will add a few.
    a 20' waist? I think you mean 20"
    Also, no court is open on a Sunday.

    This could be a good opening sketch for your character. You could cut from it what you need for the store.
    Not bad except for the small errors.
    Lol, thanks guys... I never could remember between 20' and 20"...

    @Don
    : I'm arrested because I killed somebody - something that is illegal no matter why you do it (exception of police etc.)

    i'm lost with your first comment as well, i must keep missing what you're talking about.

    @KT: Court is open on Sunday in Port Klover, nuff said LOL - but seriously, never been to court and never plan to enter one, so I didn't know, thanks for the heads up.
    Thoughts of anger and despair swell within me and I run towards the person in black. I knock them onto the ground with all of my might,- did you mean you knocked the person in black and your wife to the ground? If so, I misread it.

    No, you don't get arrested for killing someone. You get questioned but only arrested if a crime is believed to have been committed. You wouldn't get arrested to for self-defense or the defense of another person.That's not illegal in any place I know.

    Having said that, what crime was committed by Peter Lancaster? Why would he never see his children again?
    @Don
    : OK, i see where you might have been confused... and I should have clarified more. Seeing as the "person in black" had no name, them was referring to the "person in black". as in;

    I saw a friend at the end of the bridge. I ran towards them only to discover that it was just my imagination.

    Hope that helps.

    As far as the crime - I believe if police witness you killing, or even just overkilling somebody (overkilling = attacking a corpse uncontrollably) they will in some way handcuff or threaten you with guns or mace.

    Since his wife was already dead he was defending nobody, and simply rushing in blindly. Being arrested and sent to jail/prison would be the result of never seeing his kids again, having been sent to foster care.

    And I've read more than one article before where people were sent to jail because they attacked robbers. The robbers were chased out of the house and beaten to the point of hospitalization after threatening an entire family with knives.

    Either way i hope this helps Smile
    Since his wife was already dead he was defending nobody, and simply rushing in blindly. Being arrested and sent to jail/prison would be the result of never seeing his kids again, having been sent to foster care.- not to beat a dead horse but the police wouldn't react that way. No jury would convict a man for defending his wife. He doesn't know she's dead. That wouldn't matter anyway.

    I only say this because it is a base part of your story and I think it throws it way off reality.
    yea maybe your right... I'll draw up a remake of this specific chapter and see what I can do... If I make any significant changes I'll post it for ya...
    I do like the fast pace overall, and the first 6 paras flow really well. As far as character development is concerned, you make a good job of conveying the man's bitterness and anger at the world.
    sorry, forgot to mention... try to avoid 'off of'...Smile