Bridging Gaps Chapter 2: Awesome Cop

Story written by Darkfire on Thursday 8, April 2010

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this story is so fun to

Overall Rating: 88.666666666667%

This writing has been rated by 3 members, resulting in a rating of 88.666666666667% overall. Below is a breakdown of these results:

Spelling & Grammar:87.333333333333%
Dawn slowly creeps upon Hollow Bastion as I wake up next to the window with dim rays of light shining through the blinds. It takes me a while to remember where I am as I quietly look around the room. Seeing the young child lying on the ground jogs my memory up to this point. I place one hand on the wall, using it to help myself up. Sluggishly but quietly, I walk around the snoring boy into his father's room. Making my way to the bathroom I hit my foot on a ten pound dumbbell hidden under a brown t-shirt. I quickly limp into the bathroom and shut the door not wanting to wake the boy. As the pain subsides I cut on the sink and wash my face. I look up at my reflection on the mirror of the medicine cabinet.1 "Ok;let's go see if we have mail," I say, checking myself in the mirror.2 Walking back in the main room I open the window leading to the fire escape. Looking back to make sure he is still sleeping I climb through the window. Carefully, I make my way down the unsteady fire escape as it is still mostly dark outside. Walking back through the alleyway I can see some of the trash scattered by the boy yesterday, along with some cats looking for breakfast. I enter the middle of the road looking around at the pale blue vacant city streets with flickering streetlights cutting on and off. I make my way to cab parked on the sidewalk and sit inside it with the door open.3 "Please don't make me wait forever," I say, resting my head on my hands, trying to stay awake.4 As time goes by and the sun rises I finally see the messenger bird flying from the long misty bridge toward the entrance of the city. As I get up the bird flies straight over me, dropping a note. I try to catch it but it slips out of my hands and into a puddle. Quickly I reach for it, picking it up and trying to shake off the water.5 "Shit, this stupid bird doesn't like me. He should've sent the biker like last time," I say, opening the note.6 I read the note that says: Jake I know you've found the location of the puzzle piece, bring it back immediately for he that wishes to steal the piece is swiftly approaching.7 Dropping the note, I quickly make my way back to the apartment. As I quickly walk back, my mind races with thoughts of what "that person' would do to the boy just to get the piece.8 Never, I think to myself making my way the fire escape. As I open the window and climb through, I see the boy looking back at me with eyes full of tears. I quickly pull out my gun and look around the room frantically.9 "What's wrong," I scream as the boy runs toward me, hugging me.10 I look back out of the window down the street thinking I'll see someone running away.11 "Did someone come here," I ask, holding the boy close to me with one hand while the other grasped tightly to the gun.12 "I thought you left me," says the boy with his head pressed against my stomach. 13 Realizing the boy was unharmed allows me to take a deep breath and relax a bit.14 "What, I'm not going to leave you kid, I just had to go and get something," I say, rubbing his head as he looks back up at me, wiping his eyes. "Go and get your things, we have to go now."15 "To look for my dad?" he asks with excitement on his face.16 I nod my head as he runs quickly into his room to get dressed. I look back outside of the window paranoid and check the rounds of my gun. Only seven shots, I think to myself as the boy comes back out of the room.17 "Wow that was quick!" I say as the boy comes out wearing a raincoat over his pajamas.18 "Hey look Jake, I have a gun just like you," he says, pulling out a cap gun from his coat pocket.19 "That's great kid," I reply, holding the door open for him to get out. 20 We hurry back down the wobbling fire escape and into the alley. As I walk I look back and notice the little boy is falling behind.21 As I slow down for him to catch up he asks, "Hey Jake, why are we going so fast? Are you scared of something? Bad guys should be running from you. What kind of cop are you?"22 As we approach the end of the alley I turn around and look at the kid, frustrated. The kid stops walking, scared by my facial expression, and wells up with tears. He runs past me sobbing. I stand there taking a deep breath with my hand on my head.23 "Boy you really screwed up this time Jake," I say walking out into the street.24 It wasn't the boys fault for asking so many questions, that's what kids do. I was angry because it's hard to explain lots of things about this city to anyone, let alone some child. Because I let the fear of "that man' interfere with my mission, this boy got his feelings hurt and it's entirely my fault. Standing in the middle of the street I see the boy in the distance crying. An ominous feeling overwhelms me as I sense an abrupt change in the city. Suddenly the sounds of gunshots filled the air as the boy runs for cover inside a green Oldsmobile.25 "Dang it, great timing," I say, running behind the parked cab.26 As the gunshot fire off one by one I can hear the boy screaming from inside the car. I sneak a peek around the car to get a look at my targets. I see the men hiding behind a makeshift barrier of cars and city trash cans. I have to finish this quick or the boy and I will likely be killed, I think to myself pulling out a grenade. 27 "This is the only one I have, please let it work," I beg, kissing it. "Get down kid!" I scream, launching it behind the barrier. Because I'm unaware of the force a grenade can generate, my heart pounds as brace myself for the shock.28 The three men jump from behind the barrier as the grenade explodes, sending them in different directions. One man's body flies uncontrollably, hitting his head on the passenger-side window of the Oldsmobile. As he falls to the ground I can see the boy's terrified face through the cracked and bloody window. The force of the explosion sends the other two men rolling on the concrete, scraping it like cheese to a cheese grater. Struggling to get up, one man crawls for his gun as I deliver a head shot, killing him instantly. The last man screams as I quickly make my way from behind the cab with both hands firmly on the gun pointed at him. Walking towards him I kick his gun away, cautiously looking for anymore possible threats.29 "How many did you bring with you," I ask with my gun aiming at his leg. "Tell me or I'll shoot."30 The boy opens the door of the car, looking for me.31 "Get back in the car now," I yell as the boy slams the door, shutting himself inside.32 "Please don't kill me," the man begs, spitting up blood. "There is no one left, we were the only ones in our group foolish enough to listen to that Streyga. 33 "What, a Streyga?" I ask, putting my gun away and helping the man to lean against the cab.34 "He came like the devil offering us the world if we would just bring him that boy," he says, coughing terribly. "So close;"35 "Hey don't die so fast on me. Hey wake up," I yell at the fresh corpse lying on the road.36 Standing up, I look back at the entrance to the town towards the bridge.37 "I doubt I'll get any answers from him either," I say, thinking about the old man.38 Making my way to the green Oldsmobile I open the driver's side door and hop in. The car remains quiet as I look at the boy in the rearview mirror.39 "You ok," I ask as the boy nods his head. "Ok let's go find your dad," I say, grabbing the car keys from the dashboard.40 "This is your car," asks the child while I smile silently.41 I cut on the car, backing up over the dead body next to it and pull off down the street.42 "Hey Jake," says the kid.43 "Yea," I reply.44 "You're an awesome cop," he says, lying down in the back seat.45 "You not too bad yourself kid," I say, driving into the city.46

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    'The other two are forced to the ground, scraping it like cheese to a cheese grater.'

    Doesn't make a great deal of sense; nor does it convey what you are trying to say accurately.

    There are a couple of places like this. If you re-read the piece aloud to yourself, you'll find them.

    This is a great story; the descriptions are excellent, and the main character well done.
    Are you scared of something, bad guys should be running from you.

    Should be two sentences.

    enough to listen that Streyga

    to that Streyga

    These are easily correctable.

    Very good, easy read.
    Just a bit of minor cleaning is all that's required. A good story. This revision is really making a difference. Just do the grammar and punctuation cleaning and don't change a thing in the plot.