Down The Boozer.
DescriptionA fictional, and hopefuly funny, slant on an actual event.
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On Friday 21st of November 2003, British prime minister Tony Blair and American president George W Bush met at the Dun Cow pub, Sedgfield in Blair's constituency of County Durham. Their intention was to enjoy a traditional English pub lunch, but............... Sirus the barman: "Alright Tone? The usual?" Blair: "Yes please, Sirus. And one for my mate George here." Blair gently steers the American supremo to the counter, donning his proudest arse-licker's grin. Sirus scratches his balls, reaches for two glasses and eyes Bush suspiciously. Sirus the barman: "Wasn't that you I seen going through the bins round the back of the pub this morning, John?" Bush raises his hands, shaking his head vigorously. Bush: "Not me buddy!" Sirus the barman: "Well you've got the same stars and stripes PJ's on squire. Can't be too many round 'ere in that kind'o get up." Blair makes to interject just as a brick is hurled through the pubs window. Wrapped around it is a note which the prime minister unfolds and begins to read. The note: "This is what happens to war mongers round 'ere. Stop the war in Iraq!" Blair and Bush walk over to the window. Outside is a woman dressed in an American flag, secured into a set of medieval stocks. The protestors outside are carrying flaming torches, pelting her with rotten fruit. "Heretic" and "Unclean" and "Even leeches couldn't cure you" are the insults of choice. Bush turns to Sirus the barman. Bush: "You see, you limey idiot. It must have been her going through your damn garbage." Blair: "Yes, you stupid English numpty. It must have been her." Sirus the barman slams two tall, pink concoctions, replete with umbrellas onto the bar and glowers. An intimidating silence ensues. Bush: "Er.......sure is quiet round here, buddy. Business not doing so great?" As though in agreement, Sirus the barman's dog lifts its head lazily from where it lies almost motionless infront of the fire. It raises its leg and farts, then goes back to sleep. Sirus the barman: "No, not so good, but don't much care anymore John. I'm selling up soon. Bloody taxes are killing me." Blair: "That's a damn disgrace." Bush: "Going anywhere nice, buddy?" Sirus the barman: "Haven't decided yet John, but somewhere a bit warmer I think-" Blair: "Ah! Like Manchester?" Sirus the barman: "Er, no! I was thinking somewhere a bit closer to the equator." Bush leans close to Blair and whispers in the prime minister's ear. Bush: "What's an equator?" Blair regards his American counterpart for a moment, wondering if dear old George is taking the piss. After a short internal conflab, he decides that he isn't. Blair: "It's a realy long sum on a blackboard. That scientist from the fifties invented them.....the one with the lab coat and the crazy white hair." Bush: "Ah, Doc Brown?" Blair: "No, I think his name was Albert Philistine or something." Just before George can ask why Sirus the barman would want to go and live next to a blackboard, a paper aeroplane sails through the hole in the window made by the earlier brick and lands on the bar. Blair unfolds the plane and reads it. Paper aeroplane: "Dear Sirus the barman. Sorry about the window. Can you please tell those two idiots to drink up and piss off. It's cold out here and when the king finds out what we done to the Yankee in the stocks, he'll send his soldiers round to burn our huts. Yours, Baldric. P.s. Tell them to stop the war in Iraq." Bush: "Hmm, you know, Tony. That war in Iraq thing......not a bad idea. What'dya say?" Blair: "Suppose so. Been a while since we double-teamed anyone. I'll have to go on television and look all stressed out n'stuff first though. You know the kind of thing, bleary eyes, messy hair, pale skin-" Bush: "So you just get shit-faced the night before?" Blair: "Exactly! Make it look like I've been wrestling with my conscience. I'll ask the public what they think, maybe have a referendum-" Bush: "But you send in the troops anyway, right?" Blair: "What do you think home boy?" Both men share a grin and a high-five. Meanwhile, Sirus the barman is busy spit-polishing shot glasses. Bush: "Hey buddy, you're a tax-paying member of the great British public. What would you think if me and your buddy here invaded Iraq?" Sirus the barman: "Aye! I'm a member of the public. But Britain and America invaded Iraq ages ago." Both world leaders share a frown before dismissing the peasant barkeep and continuing. Bush grins. Bush: "okay, buddy. Let's give you a hypothetical scenario here. Let's see how the public would react. What if I were to tell you that we plan to bomb a million Iraqi soldiers........and one dentist?" Sirus the barman: "Why the dentist?" Bush leaps from his bar-stool and punches the air. Bush: "Why the dentist? You see Tony, I told you. Nobody cares if we invade Iraq!" Sirus the barman: "Leave your drinks and piss off. You're both barred!"