Taichion

Story written by Malicepoint on Friday 26, March 2010

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Description
Prolouge; Wrote this a while ago, now feel that I should make it much longer.

Overall Rating: 85.666666666667%

This writing has been rated by 3 members, resulting in a rating of 85.666666666667% overall. Below is a breakdown of these results:

Concept/Plot:86.666666666667%
Imagery:87%
Spelling & Grammar:83.333333333333%
Flow/Rhythm:85.333333333333%
Vocabulary:86%
"There is something I must say to you Ayaan" Redreick says looking Ayaan deeply into her eyes. "What is it my love?" Ayaan says in the desperation of her only loves voice. Redreick walks toward the wide bed and sits down slowly, still looking at Ayaan with his deep green eyes. In turns, Ayaan walks to her love and takes his hand within her palm. "Love anything that must be told, shall be told." she says says trying to encourage her love. "That's what I'm afraid of," Redreick says quietly"I love you so much, I don't think I can live without you.'' Redreick moves with the elegance he was known for. With his palm still within Ayaan's tiny hand, he reverses the grip of her hand into his hand and pulls her on top of him. Ayaan was terribly caught off in surprise. Her heart was beating so very fast. Never before has she ever made love and this in itself was unexpected to the least. She was expecting a terrible event to have happened to force him to leave. But now he is underneath her with his eyes staring straight into her eyes. With palms in palms, Redreick leaned at first with eyes but then he moved slowly towards Ayaan's lovely lips. As he touched them with his own he felt her shake from the closeness of their vicinity. He kissed soft as first letting her gradually feel comfortable with only this. But she seemed to want more, it became rough. But neither noticed. The only sounds that fluttered around the room was the beginning stages of love being made and the calm wind. It at first was only a sound but then it evolved into a feeling. As if the air was between the two lovers twirling the heated feelings between the two. As the love making progressed so did the wind. It sounded as if it were laughing in the most upheaval of joy. Ayaan was experiencing the most wonderful feelings life had to offer. When the wind floated her into the air with it. She looked in shock at her lover, his features seemed to have changed. His golden hair was now the darkest of blacks, his green eyes seemed to no longer be, leaving fiery red color in their place. The most different of all was the way he was looking at her. His usual loving eyes were now filled with what looked to be laughter. "What do you think Ayaan, of your Taichion lover?"
   

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Comments

    A good beginning. It needs a little cleaning on the punctuation and spelling end of things.
    You could build on this.
    As kt6550 said.
    Quite an elegant little pice.

    With a clean-up, this will be very good, and well worth continuation.