The boy that wanted to change the world.

Story written by Kerri-Emmitt on Thursday 25, March 2010

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Description
Short Story

Overall Rating: 89.8%

This writing has been rated by 6 members, resulting in a rating of 89.8% overall. Below is a breakdown of these results:

Concept/Plot:91.166666666667%
Imagery:90.166666666667%
Spelling & Grammar:86.5%
Flow/Rhythm:90.166666666667%
Vocabulary:91%
This is a very short story, around nine hundred words. It was meant to be just an outline/concept for a bigger story idea I have but when I read this back I kind of liked it on it's own like this, so I will be very interested in your views. Thanks guys.
The boy that wanted to change the world.
Louis liked many things in his life, colouring, watching cartoons, dropping spiders on grandma's head but unlike most nine year olds there is nothing he loved more than listening. He would frequently stop in the middle of a room and strain to hear the quietest of conversations in the next room or pretend to be actively playing foot ball outside in his back garden when really all he was doing was listening to his elderly next door neighbour moan about the appalling job the gardener had done on her lawn. It didn't need to be anything exciting for Louis to take interest; he just loved to listen to people when they were utterly unaware of him. At first he would just listen to anyone talking in front of him, acutely but it wasn't until he happened to stumble upon a quiet conversation between his mum and her neighbour that he discovered the world of gossip. This talking is much more gripping than all the other types he had witnessed and even though he protests that there is no prejudice within him of any type of chatter he still finds himself sneaking around in his afternoons after school, trying to catch someone off guard. He loved to listen. There are things he doesn't like to hear of course, the news, arguing and anything that includes the words, sex, periods and woman problems. Those are far too frightening and utterly confusing for him to ever want to understand that particular conversation. "Louie, your dinner is ready." His mum calls from the bottom of the stairs. Louis huffs to himself. Dinner always seems to come at the wrong time because Louis had just settled in to watch countdown, another favourite thing of his. By the time he gets to the overly sized yet cosy dining room everyone is already sat, waiting for him. He sits in his usual spot, next to his mum and looks down at his plate. Sausage, mash and peas again he thinks to himself, but he would never complain, he didn't have it in him. "Eat up." Louis' mum orders and he takes a bite, forcing himself to swallow. Everyone falls into their normal dinner time routine, just as Louis begins to watch them all, like he always did. His dad shovelling food into his mouth much quicker than was truly polite but then he was a big, six foot burley builder and in Louis' world men like that were suppose to eat too much, too quickly. His sister next to his dad picking at her food, or rather pushing it around her plate until eventually it would become so mashed up that mum would almost always automatically assumed she had eaten something. Tessa had just started to hit puberty and had fast become something for Louis to avoid. They use to play together, Tessa used to be his closest, best friend until she hit thirteen, now all she seemed to do was worry about what she ate and if she was getting another spot. She wasn't Louis' Tessa anymore. This makes him very sad sometimes, he misses her. Then there is mum, a slightly over bearing, loving woman that is as stubborn as any dog with a bone or child with a forbidden cookie, she didn't seem to know when to stop talking sometimes but of course Louis loved this about his mum because she was always there, always. Right on cue, after everyone has finished their main course the table banter begins. Louis loved this part. He keeps his eyes to the table like always but if he had been a dog his ears would have visibly pricked up. "Tessa, please try to eat a little more." Mrs Delaney pleads. Tessa only frowns at her mother and shoves one pea into her mouth with a perfectly executed amount of defiance, like always. "Jeff, tell her please. She is not over weight, she needs to eat more before she waists away!" "Love, she still has enough meat on her bones, leave her be." Mrs Delaney stiffens a little from the lack of support from her husband but like always, when this subject arose she backed down. Louis' dad is officially the only person she would do that with and Louis finds this fascinating. His dad had never done anything to cause his mum any fear but she reacted that way regardless, adults are funny things, he thinks to himself. "Dad! Are you saying I'm fat?" Tessa protests. Mr Delaney reaches across and squeezes his daughters arm reassuringly before he speaks, this is another regular occurrence. "No of cause not sugar. I just meant that you're not wasting away love, that's all." She settles back into her chair and smiles at her dad, the type of smile you would never have seen on Louis face because his dad never said these types of things to him because Louis was different. Too different for his dad to understand so Louis gets ignored. Like a stubborn stain on the carpet, you can't remove it so you just walk across it as if it's not there hoping one day you will get so use to this that eventually you don't even see it anymore. Louis felt like an "invisible' stain. "Louis, do you want some more sausages?" His mum asks. Louis is just about to shake his head like usual but after watching his dad with Tessa he has an overwhelming urge to be in the room, properly, like normal boys. All he wanted to be was normal and one day he would be and he hoped that would change the world. Show everyone somehow that even people with problems can become somebody. He was going to be that person, one day. "Nuh, Nuh... no. Thuu... Thanksss." He stutters.
   

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Comments

    Since this is just an outline/concept, it flows pretty well.

    There's some minor grammar and glitches.

    Other than that, the family and friend settings feels kinda nice.

    So I'm guessing that Louis has speech impediment that's hes trying to overcome at the end?
    Yes it has a lot to do with his speech impediment but more to do with how he deals with it, which is extraordinary and the impact he has on the people around him.

    For example I have this quote in my head that would come towards the end - Louis may not have changed the world but he did change the people around him and to Louis, that was his world.

    If I wrote it fully it would end a little sadly but hopefully would seem inspiring at the same time - if you see what I mean.

    Its a new concept for me because I'm a lover of fantasy, but maybe I show do it regardless?
    waists away - should be wastes away
    Also, you mix tenses in a few places. That can be easily fixed.
    For your cultural background:
    Louis: French - pronounced Loo-ee
    Lewis: English or Celtic - pronounced Lew-iss
    Ludwig - German or Austrian
    Luigi - Italian
    Louie: Americanization of the French proper name Louis

    Nicely written except for the glitches. You may want to try to expand this a bit; I think you have pretty good material here.
    You set up anice little tableaux.
    It has a nice British feel to it, that I paticularly, enjoy.

    Well written and told.
    Liked this.
    You generated a wonderfull atmosphere.
    I guessed as I read (your intention I would think) that there was something wrong with Lewis, though I thought it would be something a little worse than a speach impediment.
    Your writing has a nice flow to it and is clear and concise.
    A well constructed and "thought about" story.
    Realy enjoyed it.
    I thought the last line summed it all up, I was best friends with a lad at junior school who had a stutter so I know how it can effect people. My younger brother is a softy also, so as Louis is the baby of the family this has a natural flow that I can relate to. He seems sensitive and a little bit sad? And prehaps not the kind of prankster to bother his Nan with spiders? Maybe he could fall for a girl because of her flawless singing voice, or something similar?
    There is a little bit of our English culture in the mix and I liked this a lot, you should work more on this for realistic impact.
    There is something magical in your narrative, have you seen the French film "Amelie"? It's a beautiful film about a sensitive and selfless person who likes to listen, and it is infused with the culture of the world around her. Your work here reminds me of that film, if you have not seen it I recommend you do for a little inspiration.
    I think you should pay this story more mind, you could be on to something really special.
    I've rated this but feel unjust in doing so, it is clearly a first draught, the concept, Imagery and flow get a big thumbs up from me Smile
    Wow, big compliments indeed. Thank you.

    I have in fact just finished my second novel so this will take up my writing time from now on, so watch this space. Wink