Revenge (Part 14)

Fantasy written by ladylunaivy on Tuesday 23, March 2010

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Time to practice. A friendly little spar never hurt anyone ... right?

Overall Rating: 87.4%

This writing has been rated by 2 members, resulting in a rating of 87.4% overall. Below is a breakdown of these results:

Spelling & Grammar:84.5%
"Prepare your self," Rosuto's voice was soft and twisted in a sudden sadness. His eyes drifted across the floor before him and with his first step towards Kasai he vanished. Kasai's eyes widened, she had not expected him to use his power of teleportation. She instantly grasped her katana with both hands preparing to go on the defensive. The air shimmered briefly, approximately four feet behind Kasai, before Rosuto took its place. He already had his scythe held high above his head as he prepared to bring the weapon down upon Kasai. The soft tap of his shoes upon the floor alerted Kasai and she reacted, bringing her katana strait back over her shoulder to catch the blade of Rosuto's incoming scythe. The steel of the scythe sliding down the steel of the katana set off a soft shower of sparks. Kasai had not compensated for the arched shape of Rosuto's weapon and as it slid down her katana the tip plunged deep into her right shoulder. Kasai grit her teeth from the burning pain imparted by the scythe and held in the cry she so desperately wanted to release. She instinctually kicked her right leg out behind her at Rosuto, in an attempt to knock him off balance, so that she may free herself. As she moved her torso forward, to allow for a further reach of her back kick, she under estimated the sharpness of the blade in her shoulder. It sliced completely through her shoulder and out her back, the tip of scythe grinding across the top of her shoulder blade as it exited her body. Kasai's plan did partially work and she managed to catch him in the fleshy part of his leg just above the knee. Rosuto forces himself to jump back from the sudden pain in his leg. With his weapon free from Kasai he let it spin once before locking it along the length of his arm, again, as if it were a bo staff except for this time the blade is at the far end away from his body. He holds it out, in a wide yet low stance as he was still recovering form the blow to his leg. Blood had already began to poor form her injury, but she paid little mind to it. Kasai took the katana in her left hand, as her right arm was no longer up to par. Crossing her right arm over her chest, she holds her blade out and slightly behind her as she began her charge towards Rosuto; this time she would not give him the advantage of attacking first again. She locked eyes with Rousto in an attempt to sense his reactions ahead of time. His eyes were so distant and sad that it sent a chill through Kasai, distracting her for but a moment. He vanished and instantly reappeared at her right side standing shoulder to shoulder with her, but facing the opposite way. He easily halted her motion forward with his not so surprising strength as he held her in place with one arm across the front of her chest. In his other hand his scythe rested with the blade arching behind him and in front of Kasai, the length of the blade already breaking her skin enough to spill blood down her stomach. If Rosuto had allowed her to continue her motion forward he would have cut her in half with hardly any effort on his part. "You fail," Rosuto said rather coldly and pushed her back with all his strength. Kasai dropped her katana from the force of being thrown and slid across the floor to the feet of Mitsukai. Mitsukai looked down at her and shook his head as he slipped a hand into the pocket of his coat, returning it only when he found his pack of cigarettes. "You have talent," Mitsukai said as he pulled a single cigarette from the pack and placed it between his lips. "Your form is excellent and it is obvious that you have trained well." He patted his pockets in an effort to find a lighter. "Against any opponent of average abilities I am sure you would prevail," he paused and kneeled down to eyes level with Kasai, "but those days are over and your opponents all have abilities that they will most definitely take advantage of. You are holding back and you need to let go of what ever fears are binding you." He faned out his wings fully before bringing them forward as he partly wraps them around himself and Kasai. The cigarette drooped slightly from his mouth as he began his soft chanting. Placing one hand over the injury to her shoulder and the other over the slight cut across her stomach, a pale blue light began to build up around both Mitsukai and Kasai. As the light grew in intensity and began to resemble shifting water, Kasai felt warmth begin to build up under each of Mitsukai's hands. The heat intensified with each chant he finished until Kasai felt that if any more heat was applied it would begin to burn her. He pulled his wings back fully behind him before releasing them forward in a single gusty flap. The heat from his hands seemed to instantly disappear and was replaced by a gentle cooling, like that of water from a stream in the early spring. Mitsukai pulled his hands back from her injuries and continued his search for a lighter in his pockets, leaving no trace of her lesson behind. "Perhaps we should work on the mental aspect of battle before the physical," he said softly as he gave up his search. Kasai pushed herself up into a sitting position before Mitsukai and took the cigarette from his mouth. As she let a smirk cross her lips, her eyes began to burn like hot coals. Her lips parted as she released a whisper of a breath across the tip of his cigarette. The heat released from deep within her ignited its contents of dried tobacco leaves. "When the mind is disciplined the body will follow," she said softly as she returned Mitsukai's his now lit cigarette.

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    Awesome, pay attention to a few of these lines for a quick fix.

    It sliced completely threw her shoulder and out her back, the tip of scythe grinding across the top of her shoulder blade as it exited her body.

    Should that read as "through her shoulder"?

    Also. Kasai grit her teeth-

    that was past tense? the majority of this is present tense.

    Another thing I noted.

    Should this be back kick? not kick back?

    As she moved her torso forward, to allow for a further reach of her kick back, she under estimated the sharpness of the blade in her shoulder

    Overall I really did enjoy reading the fight though. It was fun, and the problems you did have were minor and not story breaking. Still I suggest you make a few minor fixes though then I will rate it.

    There might be others, or i might be wrong here. It is late and I was just doing a little reading before bed.
    This is great; the fight scene is very well done.

    As Jon says, the fight scene switches to the present tense, whereas the majority of the narrative is past tense.

    Is this correct?

    Very well told.
    I think I fixed my issues and put it all in the same tense. *rubs back of head* I think.

    lol fight scenes are not my strong point ... that and I was up and down, taking notes, as I did a little spar in reality to see if the movements were realistic and the body physically able to preform them. (No humans were harmed in the production of this fight scene ... dragons on the other hand ... one lost a wing. *cries* why is it always the blow glass dragons that take the blunt of my battles?!? )

    Thanks for the input guys. It is always welcome and very much appreciated. ^^
    poor form her injury - should be pour from

    A good story. You get better with each posting. Just some minor cleaning needed.