Frieth's Nature

Story written by Malicepoint on Monday 15, March 2010

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Description
Yeah, I know, I'm random; Corrected to an extent

Overall Rating: 87%

This writing has been rated by 6 members, resulting in a rating of 87% overall. Below is a breakdown of these results:

Concept/Plot:92.833333333333%
Imagery:89%
Spelling & Grammar:82.166666666667%
Flow/Rhythm:82.5%
Vocabulary:88.5%
"Tick tick ti ti ti tick tock," Frieth says rhythmically "And the clock has yet to move." Not long ago Nature had locked Frieth away to guard the clock of time, her most precious item. Frieth was child of the body at the time and was to a point already mystified with nature. He thought her beautiful and mysterious the first time he ever laid is eyes upon her. Though it has already been ages since the last time Frieth has seen her, he could still imagine her scent. Her lovely emerald eyes and all. And yet time hasn't seemed to move at all. It may have been ages but Frieth hasn't aged a day. His feature are the same as the day nature asked.Just thinking about makes his mind melt of her lovely complexity. "Why, oh nature has the clock yet to tick?" As always there was no answer, no answer to his never dying love and his relinquished position as the guardian of time. "And nature is as always lovely in return to my questions," Frieth says "As always Nature I have invented a new poem for you to hear,and hopefully cherish" The trees and grass of which is all around seem to come alive and listen intently with only one sweep of the wind. Frieth leans back on his heals to fall on the soft grass. Not caring at all Frieth begins. Blue is to the sky, Crying to the green, Leaving more blue and more green, Which beckons to the sun, Who shines so very bright only for nature's sake The wind in the meadow starts to get lighter and less dense and concentrated as if the wind was for a small time, thinking. "Not the best I have ever ..," Frieth stops in mid sentence and sees a child "Written." A child of small stature walks through the grass softly. Each crunch of the grass her face is clearer and clearer to Frieth untrained eyes. He sees a child of an almost identical portrait to Nature. By the time Frieth snaps out of his trance of the child, she's right in front of him. Her hair Folding all the way to the ground, green from root to root. Her eyes were the only contrast, they were blue instead of emerald. "Father," the child says aloud in a harmonic voice "I would like for you to forgive mother." As the child says this Frieth once again freezes into a trance. "Father!" the girl says in a more determinate voice "I want you to forgive mother." the girl finishes with a frown on her face and scrunched eye brows. Memory flashes in front of Frieth's eyes faster than lightning. ***** "Love," Nature says calling out to Frieth "I need to tell you something." Frieth extends his hand towards Nature and pulls her closer, enough to smell her minty breath. "What do you need to tell me?" "To make our love true I need you to guard and protect, something of great importance to me" While nature says the words it seems her eyes were changing or racing in and out of themselves, Frieth could see but Nature could not. "What is so very important to you my love?" Pulling Frieth closer, Nature whispers one word into Frieth's ear, "Time." ****** The child stares very intently at her father. She knows that before now he never even knew of her existence but to her that does not matter. A father like mother describes of him, makes all other doubts erase. For him to wait and watch time for her is proof enough. And so the child already loved her father very dearly before even meeting him. From her eyes he could see that he had blond hair, blue eyes, and a lean figure of a young adult. She also knew that being in the presence of time made Frieth not age to anyone less inch of hair since mother left him to give.... "Child," Frieth says breaking out of his trance "What is your name?" "Isabelle, Father" the child says calmly. "What a beautiful name." Frieth says lowly looking the child in her face "Where is Nature?" "She is behind, waiting for you to forgive her" Isabelle says quietly. Looking around Frieth sees his love waiting behind an apparent tree. "Love," Nature says " Do you forgive me?" Frieth could see Nature clearly now. Her beautiful smile, her flowing hair, and her mysterious eyes. But then he turns his attention to his lovely daughter. "Isabelle," Frieth says crouching on his toes to feel his daughters face "Soft." "Before I say anything else," Frieth announces still in same position "Isabelle," he says " Do you know what my middle name is?" Isabelle surprised at her fathers question instantly says no. In the same instant Nature glides over to Frieth's side and says at the same time as him. "It is Light" the two say embracing their daughter.
   

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Comments

    Your handling of dialog is very, very good.

    The concept is original and fresh, and well written. The only downside to this piece is the lack of punctuation; this impedes the flow to the reader.

    Consider reading the piece aloud, and listening to where commas should be placed.

    But, that said, I liked this story so much, well done.
    This is a very good piece of writing. So very unique. Well done. ^^
    A bit of spacing would be helpful to the reader.

    Good story, nicely done.
    I enjoyed the concept, however the formatting needs work.

    I found myself skipping over parts of it due to bad formatting.
    A good story. Readability is a bit spoiled by what everyone above me said. You should make the corrections.