A look at how "toilet dialogue" has infiltrated everyday language and the confusion it causes (at least in my own skewed head).
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Its just all so confusing. I mean -aside from a tremendous feeling of satisfaction should we negotiate an uncomfortably large "knot", what the hell do we actually take from our toilet endeavours?
Of course, there may be those of you reading this who, at this very moment, are railing against my toxic herring, flogging your computer screens with stockings full of hot shite whilst shielding the imaginary eyes of your celebrity-crap-Tupperware-container.
But I can speak only as I find, and I have found that I myself take nothing from a bowel movement.
I am denied even the warm, fuzzy feeling of post-knot satisfaction since my fresh orange juice addiction ensures that my turds are the consistency of brown milk, brimming with all the warm, effort-free sensations one would expect from such a movement.
Try and slip a leash around one of mine Mr London-Marathon-Toilet-Tent-Bloke!
But alas -oh so sympathetic soul that you are- my penny is almost spent. The herring is waning. It is nought but a gasping, scaly thing upon the soiled banks of my mind's polluted waters.
I appologise if it ever gave you cause to believe that the utter bollocks it espoused would improve as it went on, but hey! You're still here!
But before it dies, it wishes to impart one last pearl of wisdom from the pond.
I may not have convinced you that nobody takes a shit, nor that anyone gives a shit. I think we probably all agree that many are full of shit, but that is not necessarily because they never have a shit.
Sadly, its all just opinion, a gut feeling (pun intended), given voice by a dying fish.
In closing, however, I must say that though I actually do not give, take, recieve, steal or do anything other than produce a shit when upon the hallowed pot, I do bring a cup of tea, a packet of shortbread and a copy of The Daily Sport.
I thank yooooooooouuuuuuu!
............Bollocks! There's nothing to wipe the shit. Now that's taking the piss. But let's not get started on that!