The Ambush of Tormine Pass

Fantasy written by Pritrostell on Wednesday 17, February 2010

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A short battle scene, to offer a baseline of my battle-writing skills.

Overall Rating: 84.5%

This writing has been rated by 2 members, resulting in a rating of 84.5% overall. Below is a breakdown of these results:

Spelling & Grammar:80.5%
Hey guys. This is a short battle scene i've written just to gauge my abilities when it comes to writing out a battle. This was alot harder then I originally thought it would be, and I don't think i've done all that well, but I'm still posting it here in hopes that you guys can help critique me and improve my writing. I hope you enjoy it and thanks again for any help Smile ________________________________________________________________________ The Ambush of Tormine Pass "Say Roland, do you think the rumors about the Dran'kir are true?" We both looked opposite each other to find about 50 pairs of eyes on either side of us. "Yes Korban, I do believe they're true. Could I have the hill?" "Of course my good friend, I prefer the forest anyways." We swapped sides, shook hands, and faced our respective foes. In front of me was a heavily wooded area swarming with Dran'kir, humans which had taken on the abilities of a demon. Behind me, on Rolands side, was a rock strewn hill filled with more of these demonic beings. The ones in the hill took the first step. A volley of arrows crafted out of pain itself came raining down on top of us. Without so much as a blink, Roland had put up a protective barrier which shattered all of the arrows on contact. As soon as the last arrow was destroyed, he dropped the barrier and took to the hill at full speed. "Guess it's my turn to play eh?" I wasn't nearly as good as Roland was, but I was more then enough for these Dran'kir. A wall of flames appeared in front of me, and began laying waste to whatever these fools had hiding in the woods. Screams of pain and fear began to fill the air. The few that had survived the wall of flame came charging out of the woods with short swords encased in a black flame. Just then I saw a quick flash of steel and blood go past me, and I felt something warm drip down my face. "Very funny Roland;" I looked down at the mutilated corpse of the Dran'kir he had thrown at me. I chuckled to myself as I drew my sword from its sheath, and in a blinding flash the first two Dran'kir were frozen. Their blades may have been encased in demonic flames, but I had the power of all the elements at my disposal. Such were the perks of being a battle-mage for the order. Leaning forward, I lunged my sword towards the oncoming frenzy of demons and a bolt of lightning shot out, leaving a crackling sound in the air that startled the birds. The birds must have entranced me, because the next thing I knew Roland was screaming out my name, and I felt the cold sting of metal dig deep into my chest. Thinking fast, I swung my sword with brute force, cutting the demons head clean off. I took the sword that was once in my chest and threw it, nailing a Dran'kir to a tree. I had to heal this wound before I was taken by darkness. I looked up to see five more Dran'kir charging me, but before they could make it a giant wall of rock and stone rose between us. "Heal up, and do it quickly. If I loose you I'll have to find someone else to beat at chess." He smirked at me and took to the other side of the wall. I took out some Koranthium powder and sprinkled it over my wound, then began to chant the words of healing over and over again. "Noth Lok'tun Ordal, Noth Lok'tun Ordal, Noth Lok'tun Ordal." A sharp pain shot through me as the wound began to close. "Noth Lok'tun Ordal, NOTH LOK'TUN ORDAL!" A bright light engulfed my wound, and disappeared just as quickly as it had come. The pain had stopped, and as I look down, all that remained of my wound was the small hole in my tunic. "Damn it, these things cost a fortune." Roland landed beside me with a thump that scattered dust all around him. "Maybe you should stop watching the birds and focus on the battle. I found this on one of the Dran'kir. It seems to be battle orders and formations for this attack, although they are very poorly written and weren't planned very well." I quickly scanned over the document before it burst into a black flame and disappeared forever. "We must report this to the battle-mages council. They will want to know what has happened." "You always were one to follow the rules. I never cared much for them personally." I looked up to see him smiling again. He hated the order, but agreed with me. Such things could not be left to last minute, for time is the most precious element to a battle-mage. I gathered up my sword and returned it to its home in my belt and we turned towards the great city of Koran, leaving the bodies of a hundred plus Dran'kir in the Tormine pass. ________________________________________________________________________ P.S. This story is posted in 12 pt. font as I am trying to get used to the average font size of a novel. If this is too small let me know and I will re-size it to increase legibility. Smile

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    Okay Prito;

    Not a problem with the font, although I wouldn't want to read it on a small screen. Smile
    I like the story; the concept and imagery are sound, as is the humour.

    There are a few grammatical errors, and the wrong usage of words in a few places;

    Example-'There blades may have been encased in demonic flames, but I had the power of all the elements at my disposal. Such was the perks of being a battle-mage for the order.'

    'Should, I think, read as;
    Their blades may have been encased in demonic flames, but I had the power of all the elements at my disposal. Such were the perks of being a battle-mage for the order.'

    Keep going; you are getting better all the time.
    Agh... Curse my failing eyes!!!

    lol, thanks for that Verm, i'll go through it right now and do a quick scan for grammatical errors.

    I'm glad the humor was placed in a good enough way to be humorous (lol odd statement) but was it too much? like did it take away from the actual battle?

    And is there something i could have done to make the battle more, for lack of a better phrase, battle-like?

    again thanks a lot for your help. Smile
    you can always add more detail; the trick is knowing when to stop.

    I find, for me, it's a fine distinction between describing a scene, and become so wordy, the reader drops off to sleep.

    I think I've found my balance, you just need to decide yours.

    If you have trouble deciding, message me, and if you want, I'll show you how I would write the same piece, and then you can compare the two.
    sounds like a plan, but I think I'll try a couple more on my own. I think it would be a lot better then a comparison atm.

    Thanks a lot for the offer though, and who knows... I may just take you up on it Smile
    It is pretty good. I think you got a bit ambitious at places, but I am not good with fight scenes, so I tend to keep them simple.