The Hitch Hiker

Story written by ladylunaivy on Tuesday 15, December 2009

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Description
This was made after a true story. Reality is often more disturbing then anything one can make upin their own mind.

Overall Rating: 85.666666666667%

This writing has been rated by 3 members, resulting in a rating of 85.666666666667% overall. Below is a breakdown of these results:

Concept/Plot:87.333333333333%
Imagery:85.333333333333%
Spelling & Grammar:82.666666666667%
Flow/Rhythm:86.666666666667%
Vocabulary:86.333333333333%
"What the hell are you doing, Tony?! You should never pick up hitch hikers!" Gabe said a bit panicked as he leaned forward and griped onto the back of Tony's seat. "Look at her, she is all alone at three o'clock in the morning, and walking down the side of the road," he said in his always ohh so calm voice as he pulled off to the side of the road. "Let's just make sure she is alright at least." "It's your car, man. It's your call," Gabe said with an uneasy sigh and leaned back in his seat hard. The woman walked up to the car and opened the back door slowly. She peeked in and looked around at every one once before setting her eyes on Tony. "Could you give me a ride? It is not far, just up ahead." She had an innocent look to her eyes, though there was obvious something that was troubling her. "Of course, hop in," Tony said without skipping a beat. "Did anything happen back there?" Tammy, who was riding shotgun in the car, finally chimed in. "Are you ok?" The woman only nodded in response and rubbed her head letting her blond hair fall down around her face. "Would you like something to drink? We have water," Tammy asked as she turned half way around in her seat to look back at this woman. "What is your name?" Gabe forced himself to speak. He still did not like the thought of picking up random people, and while he did feel a little sympathetic for this woman, there was a stronger sensation that burned and tore at him form his chest to his gut that made him what to get as far away from this woman as possible. "Catherin," she spoke softly. "Catherin?" Tony spoke in a partially questioning tone before letting a small chuckle escape. "I have always loved that name." Catherin did not respond and only kept her head tilted towards her lap with her hair down around her face so that is was hidden away from the eyes of them all. Tony glanced over his shoulder at her then gave Gabe a questioning look in the rear view mirror, Gabe only responding with the same questioning look and a shrug. There was a short awkward silence for a few moments at they drove down the dim road before she finally leaned forward and pointed up ahead. "You see there, just up ahead?" Gabe looked over at Catherin, his eyes seeming to shudder causing every thing to jerk erratically for but a second in time, before his eyes strayed down her arm and out before them where she was pointing. There was a slight bend in the road with a massive oak tree that eerily stood strongly, but nothing more. "Yes," Tony said quickly, breaking the thick silence in the car. Still pointing out at the tree she spoke softly as the car approached the bend in the road, "That is where I had my accident ; and died." Instantly every one looked at her, each with their own look of disbelief. Just as each of their eyes fell upon Catherin her face twisted in horror and she let out a scream of terror. Without warning and without seen reason, the car is suddenly impacted on the front left side and flips end over end several times before coming to a stop upside down. Gabe was the only one to move after the car finally came to its resting spot. His mouth opened wide as he gasped a breath of air deep into his lungs but his effort for oxygen was only greeted by an agonizing pain threw his chest that forced his breaths to become shallow and quick to minimize the pain. Motion caught his attention from just outside of the glassless window frame. Catherin was standing in the center of the road with her back towards the devastated car. "Please, forgive me ;" her words rang out and echoed off into the distance like the first song of a morning bird, a bit loud but at the same time it was sweet and alluring. "Of course," Gabe was not sure why he said that he forgave her, but that is all he could get to come out as he opened his mouth to speak. As his words met her ears she looked back over her shoulder and gave him a smile that lingered with a since of shock. Stepping forward away from the car the woman faded away into the very air itself. With her fading away as did Gabe into unconsciousness.
   

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Comments

    A good beginning: it begs for a sequel.
    I was thinking of continuing it at some point but was not sure where I wanted to take it really. Perhaps Gabe waking up and because he had been the only one to say that she was forgiven ... she is now bound to him ... or hmm I'm not sure. Maybe think on this one. I really don't want to follow the same old "almost dies and because it was a paranormal experience he now sees dead people" theme. lol any ideas? ^^
    This is good Smile

    With a little punctuation, it could be great.

    Very well done Smile
    The story and atmosphere are great, the lone hitch-hiker is a favorite subject for ghost stories and you've handled it really well!