This is the second part which I wrote 2 weeks later
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Teenage Rebellion part two
I stayed in bed, hoping that if I said I was sick then they wouldn't let me go. Truth was, I felt really ill and my head was pounding and I hadn't been to sleep all night. I had only just gotten into bed at 5am as I had spent most of the night in the staffroom with my "keyworker'. I wasn't allowed to smoke at night either, as smoking wasn't allowed anywhere except the yard. The staff had caught me blowing smoke out of the bedroom window and called me to the staffroom. I was terrified and expected to get hit for it. I still hadn't realised that was something they weren't allowed to do. I called the staff names and hit them sometimes, but they didn't hit back they just sent me to my room and sent someone else to "talk about it'. I wished my dad was like that, but then I would never have hit him back.
Some of the other kids were getting angry now as I had made so much noise that made me feel much worse. I worried about joanie; I didn't want to make her angry. I needn't have worried because she was so kind to me "" she sat on the end of my bed and told me to try to sleep or else I would be tired the next day. I said I couldn't and she said I should just lie and try so I did. But it was no use, the more I tried the worse it was really.
So I just lay down and waited. Pat the kind one called me for breakfast at 7 o'clock but I didn't get up. I just lay in bed till it was almost time to go.
Joanie had been up to my room four times already and sneaked some toast upstairs but I sent her away as I felt very ill. She got quite cross with me and said she wasn't going to bother with me. I told her I couldn't help it, I was ill and we argued and she stormed out, slamming the door behind her.
Part of me wanted to chase after her but I didn't. I felt very hurt and angry mostly with myself as I realised that I loved joanie and she was all I had. I didn't know what to do so I just lay there waiting for Pat. When she came in she took me by surprise as she just started getting my uniform out and pulling back the covers, telling me to get up quick. I had expected that she would be full of sympathy and say I could stay home. But she didn't, she just told me I was only feeling ill because I had bad nerves and I should get up and go as it would be worse if I stayed home and missed my first day said I had argued with joanie and she would ignore me so I couldn't face it. She said joanie would make friends with me if I said sorry to her. I didn't believe her as saying sorry never worked for me. Pat kept saying that I was going to school whether I liked it or not and to get up. So I did.
I was late so I had to go in the home's minibus and that was embarrassing. The children had painted a big red line all the way round it, as they liked a show called "Starsky and Hutch'. They told me they got in trouble for that as the minibus was donated and the paint had covered up the donators' emblem. By the time we arrived at the school I was absolutely terrified. I was taken straight to the headmaster and I sat down in the big chair. Pat didn't stay, as she had to attend court that morning. I was left with the headmaster and suddenly felt very alone. The headmaster kept on firing questions at me but I couldn't concentrate.
I told him I wanted to go into Joanie's class and he said I couldn't, as I was too young for the 5th year. He kept on but I refused to give in and said I would go home if I couldn't go to Joanie's class. He said I was being very truculent but I didn't know what he meant. I didn't care. He eventually gave in and i was taken to her class. The class was really different to my old school and the kids were just walking around rather than sitting still at their desks. I liked it straight away as it had big windows and was very clean. It even had a carpet which was weird but okay. I hated the noise of the tables being dragged around at my old school. I sat next to joanie but she ignored me so I did what Pat told me and said sorry. She said all right but she still seemed very annoyed and angry with me. This made me feel really bad and my stomach hurt. I seated to feel panicky, as I suddenly felt quite sick. I just felt I had to get out, so I ran out and shouted that I was going to be sick. I could hear the kids laughing behind me but I didn't care.
I went to hide in the toilet and smoked a few fags, which made me feel much worse. Unfortunately for me I got caught by a Teacher and was taken to the headmaster's office. I hadn't been there long enough to know that the teachers did spot checks for smoking in the toilets. I didn't care anyway and I just stood there looking at the floor whilst he ranted on about making a bad start at school. He was trying to make me feel bad but I didn't, I had more to worry about than him, Joanie wasn't speaking to me and I felt bad about that. I knew she was right, I had been so mean to her even though she was being kind to me. I started to cry and he thought he had got to me and started being nice. He told me to go and sit in the sickbay and he would be along in a few minutes. I said how could I when I didn't know where it was. He was really nice to me then and said of-course you don't sweetheart let me take you. I liked that, it was so nice being cared for and being called sweetheart instead of "stupid bastard'.
I started to feel a little better when I was in the sickbay as he kept making me cups of coffee that I liked. I didn't really want so many cups though, but I didn't want to say no when he offered as it made me feel so special and important when he fussed over me. I didn't want to upset him either in case he turned mean. I told him everything about my Dad and I started to feel much better. I didn't eat any dinner though, as I didn't want to go in the Dinner Hall with all the others. I just wanted to stay in the sickbay, as it was so nice to feel safe and happy for once. I still jumped when he came in and out the sickbay though and I don't know why. I must have fell asleep then as it was suddenly time to go home and I started to panic as I was scared about the trouble I had caused with Joanie and Pat. I worried about how I was going to get home but I needn't have as Joanie was waiting for me outside the Headmaster's office. She was really nice to me and asked if I was all right, I felt really happy then and I decided that she was the best friend that I ever had.
All I had to worry about now was Pat and what punishment I would be getting but Joanie said not to worry as Pat was soft and let us all get away with things, but I was still scared. When we got back to the home I started to say sorry to Pat and I cried. She said "come here you silly girl" and gave me a hug and asked how my day went. I told her that I had been in the sickbay and hadn't done any lessons and she just said oh dear, never mind it will be better tomorrow. I told her I missed dinner and she seemed worried about that. I felt so warm and happy then as she seemed to care and Joanie had made friends with me. I realised that it was almost like having a real family with people who cared and loved me. I wasn't scared about going to school the next day now. But it still felt very strange.