Mercernaries Woe(work in progress)

Romance Story written by SanninLegend93 on Tuesday 3, November 2009

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Description
Intro to my first attempt at a serious piece of writing

Overall Rating: 82.4%

This writing has been rated by 2 members, resulting in a rating of 82.4% overall. Below is a breakdown of these results:

Concept/Plot:80.5%
Imagery:83%
Spelling & Grammar:83.5%
Flow/Rhythm:82%
Vocabulary:83%
Roland was laying sprawled out carelessly in a small forest clearing not far from his home. The sun was at its apex, and the glorious plants and flowers that surrounded him were intensified in their already vivid colors. A soft, lazy wind swept across the field, making it look almost as if the field had become a vast ocean of thousands of hues and colorings. The wind picked up a bit and the waves of color crashed into the edge of the forest where they became a deep rich green. He sighed softly as the breeze rushed over his face, then sat up and stretched. A surge of fear took hold of him as he felt two arms wrap tightly around him, but this was swiftly quelled when he turned and his cheek met with lips softer than the smooth, almost silken, flower petals that surrounded him. He stood up and lifted the petite female that had still not let him go, the embraced her back. "It's been a long time Lucia" "7 years to be exact" The small woman said, her hair cascaded straight and down to her waist. It was jet black, as if it had been dipped into the darkest of midnight skies, it was spotted with loose petals of yellow and purple. Her eyes were a deep green, as deep as the stems of the flowers that encircled them, her light brown skin the color of a sparrow. Adorned in a soft purple tunica, and a tattered pair of darker purple shorts, she was as beautiful as Roland had remembered her; perhaps more so because he hadn't seen her in so long. Her clothing was nowhere near new, and they were obviously worn, but as she wore them she stood proud. Her long legs were only half of her appeal. She was, as Roland would describe her "Gifted even amongst gifted females". Roland of course, unable to be as shallow as the men he encountered daily, was able to resist the weights on his eyes, and converse for hours with her, looking directly into the eyes he always became so lost in. As she finally loosened the embrace she looked into his eyes, Roland could notice a small twinge of regret laden within them. "A lot has happened since we parted in Liom." She said, running her fingers through her hair, dispelling the petals. Roland stared at her for a moment and finally after he was able to undo the knot in his throat, he spoke. "How did the wedding go?" Roland asked. He felt stupid and clumsy now, he had not meant to bring it up so soon, but his curiosity and longing got the best of him and he could not hold himself back. "It went really well..." said Lucia, an obvious tone of repentance in her voice. "Raith has been wonderful... but lets not talk about that now. It's been 7 years, and I want us to catch up for a while first. Can you lead us back to your place?" She giggled shyly. "I kind of lost my way, this is a pretty intricate forest!" Taking his hand she smiled and began walking the way she came. After a moment Roland took lead and began leading them to his home, his hand sweating. Why did he still feel this way? He had always told himself that her happiness was top priority, even if it was with another man. He should be okay with this... he should know this is what's best. Why couldn't he let this go? They walked quietly through the forest, wordlessly, and there was obvious awkwardness. The sun shot thin rays through the canopy as it started to descend. Beams of dark yellow pierced the treetops all the way to the ground, making the forest look as if it were a palace being held up by thousands of thin gold pillars. As they made their way to the outer edge of the forest where Roland's house was, Lucia turned him around and pressed her head into his chest. She hugged him and looked up, and Roland looked her in the eye; she had been crying. Ass he stared into her eyes he felt bad thinking about such matters, but he could not help but notice that even while crying her eyes still did not cease to be beautiful. "I'm sorry Roland..." He felt a sharp pain paralyze his heart.
   

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Comments

    A reasonably good start.
    Technichally, it does need a small clean-up.
    Keep going; you only get better, believe me. Smile
    Well done.
    Not bad at all. It is begging for a continuation of the story.
    yeah, i'm definitely going to refine it a bit. Truth be told i wrote it on a school night at about 2am because i couldn't get to sleep hahah, i knew it needed work. But i did like the final product and wanted to know if it was something people would be interested in reading more of :3