Tommy's Wish by Clauda Leon

Children's Story written by studentsofenglish on Tuesday 13, October 2009

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Description
A Peruvian english students short story about dreams coming true

Overall Rating: 83%

This writing has been rated by 1 members, resulting in a rating of 83% overall. Below is a breakdown of these results:

Concept/Plot:90%
Imagery:85%
Spelling & Grammar:75%
Flow/Rhythm:80%
Vocabulary:85%
Tommy's wish Once upon a time, a family (Thomson) that always had lived in a peacefully environment without problems and necessities, but suddenly, they received a painful notice about one of their sons who suffered a strange disease and he probably will die soon. When that day came, all the family was crying, especially the mother, she said: "My son can't die; he has to be near to me in order to care him" The father can't stand this situation: "What I can do in order to stop this suffering to my family, please, God helps me!" said the father. Then, he took advantage as well known scientist because he had created many robots for helping some industries. For that, he thought that he can create a robot with similar characteristics to his son. "If I create this secret project, my wife will feel good as before" He started to work in his project without any rest. In his mind, he said: "Soon, soon, you will return in life" when he was pointing out to the robot. But, he didn't know if this robot could have feelings, dreams as the other people. Time later, when he finished this wonderful project, he didn't know how to show to his family because it will be a big surprised for them. His son said: "Dad, what do you have behind you?" "Show us! ; Please!" The mother: "Yeah" "" even so, she didn't have a good humor. When the father showed his new robot son, the mother said: "Ooh, my god!" "He is my son, I can't believe it" "It's a dream that I will never want to wake up!" The father said: "I tried to finish with this pain" "Can you understand me, please?" "I love you" "" (looking to his wife) Suddenly, the robot came near and hugs him, he wanted to play with him and feel Dave's fondness, but the child opposed: "You aren't my brother, I don't have brothers, and I'm the only son here!" "You are a robot!" "Don't be near to me!" The robot, who named Tommy like the kid that died, doesn't understand and doesn't feel negative feeling from Dave, who was the other son. When the happiness comes to home again, the parents decided that Tommy should live a normal life as the other children, because he is a new member of the family. Then, He went to the school with Dave; also he practices sports and plays some instruments. Besides, Tommy liked to read about fantasy books like fairy and magic. His father realized that he is very special, but not because he is a robot, if not he has many abilities. Also he realized that he doesn't have any friends as Dave. For that, the father created a toy that can feel and walk-in order that Tommy has a friend. "You will care and protect Tommy" "You will call Alex" - said the father to the toy. The father said to Tommy: "I have a surprised for you; I hope that it likes you" "" (in this moment, Dave was looking them, he was so jealous, for that he continued refusing Tommy. Tommy said: "Daddy, that's great!" "Don't worry that I will care it" And; what is its name? The father: "Its name is Alex" "Is it ok for you?" "You can change it, if you want" Tommy: "That's fine! Because one of the main character book that I'm reading calls Alex". "Thank daddy, I love you" Father: "Me too, my little son" (with his tearful eyes) Tommy: "Dad, why do you have some water in your eyes? Father: "No, it's not anything, my kid" "Let's go to bed" Suddenly, the mother came near and said: "I want to be with my little baby" "I will tell you a beautiful story together your new toy"- she said to Tommy. Ever since, Tommy's mother tells story about fantasy and magic as he likes, but Dave realized that his parents give their love to Tommy and they don't have a time for him. As a result, Dave shows a bad behavior with Tommy. He insults in front of his friends to Tommy: "You are a robot, you are a robot, robot!" pic pic ; "You will never be a real boy as us!" "You can't cry and feel!" Tommy stayed looking Dave and took his toy, he run with direction to his home, but Dave took away Tommy's toy. Tommy said: "Please, give me to Alex, he is my only friend" Then, Alex bit Dave's hand. Dave said: "Aush! ; My hand!" "This toy bit my hand!" Tommy and Alex stared to run in order to avoid any fight with his brother. At night, when Tommy's mother read a story about fairies, he said to his mother: "Mum, I know that many fairies concede wishes to every one" "I would like to have a fairy in order to make a wish" The mother said: "What would you like to ask, my little son?" Tommy: "I want to be a real boy, because so Dave will want to be my brother again." The mother: "Don't worry, your brother loves you, you have to be just patient with him" "Listen to me! ; You're so special, you"re a good boy" "I don't want that you change" After that, Tommy was not quiet; he wanted to know more about the fairy. For that he and Alex started to search information in order that he asks for his wish. Then, Alex found some data about her. He read that the fairy was in the deepest of the sea. Tommy decided to go, but before he wrote a letter for his parents and Dave. "Dear parents and Dave ; I write you in order that you don't be worry about me; I have to go because I want to make a wish to my fairy that is in the sea. See you soon Tommy." Tommy took the way together Alex in order to arrive to the sea, when both arrived; Tommy wanted to enter to the sea, but Alex took Tommy's pants in order to stop his way. Tommy said: "Please, leave me to continue my way" "I want to be a real boy!" Meanwhile, in his home, Dave had found the letter and started to read it. He felt blue for everything that he done to his brother. His parents saw him when he was crying and said him: "What's the matter?" "Why are you crying?" "Where is Tommy?"- The mother was desperate. Dave said: "Mum and dad, it's my fault, Tommy went to the sea in order to ask a wish to the fairy, but he can't swim." "He only wants my fondness" "Buuu;" "" (he was crying) The parents and Dave went very quick for searching to Tommy, but suddenly, Dave saw Alex, that is Tommy's toy, with something that the toy tried to take out. When he came near and near, he saw Tommy's body. Dave started to scream: "Dad! ; Mum! ;" "Please, come here!" Dave can' wait to his parents, so he went to save to his brother; he swam to where his brother was. He said: "Tommy, brother, please I'm sorry" "Please brother, you can't die again" "I need you!" Tommy woke up and said: "Now, I realize that the fairies really exist, because one of her kept my wish that was being near to you Dave and our parents in order that you show me your love as brother, in spite of, I'm not a real boy as you wanted." "Don't be sad, because I always will be in your mind and heart!" "Thank for this special moment" "I love you!"
   

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Comments

    A nice story. I found the fact that you presented it as a script made it very easy to read. There were some issues with language, but you will improve with time. Nicely done.