"You have no future." Thats what my mother said to me... yeah, that was the only thing she ever seemed to say. i started to believe her too. i traded in my 5th in the class GPA Senior year for a sleazy series of early morning rendezvous with my boyfriend. who'd ever guess why i never made it to first period? sometimes not even second period. I would always get to that intersection: left to get laid and trick myself into feeling 'loved' or right- to school. no contest at seven am. or thats what i never had much trouble convincing myself as i drove past his house to make sure his mom had left for work already. by the time i had gotten to the next street and made the u- turn to go back i was already eager with the thrill of rule breaking and anticipation. It always crossed my mind how much he hated being woken up to the tapping of the broom handle on his window- but i rarely cared beyond my half hearted apologies. We had a close relationship mostly, but this last year had been particularly difficult and distant. I like things how i like them. period. to hell with his 'boys', his basketball games and his need for space. what did i want? did he care? honestly, i cant say it actually mattered. He answers the door in the plaid boxers i had bought him. i still find them sexy... don't ask me why... i think, pathetically, that its the simple fact that i got them for him. i never even saw his face this time. The door is swung open to let me in, and already he is turning the corner down the hall to his room. i close the door on the crisp morning air and pat the dog's head as he greets me walking past the couch. He is already back in bed by the time i make it down the hallway. my normal pattern lately has been stopping at the bathroom. it gives me a few seconds of prep time, i guess. always waiting for the worst it seems. Finally i round the door frame and then the end of his bed.i slide in next to him. god, i always feel so empty in this moment. Moving slowly up towards his drowsy form, slightly snoring beneath the baby blue velux blanket that smelled faintly of dirty feet, i would nuzzle him from behind. "i know you aren't asleep yet," i whisper. its what i usually say. its become part of this twisted game we play... and i knew he didn't want me there. i could feel it. what is it about this room? this boy? this addiction? i don't think i ever figured it out, hell, i don't know if i even wanted to. what i did want, i knew he would give me, with persuasion. i rolled him on his back, inched my face close to his and our skin brushed slightly. so slightly that being barely clinging to consciousness as he was, i doubt he knew it happened. but god, i did. being that close to him. breathing in the smells of him, the dirty sheets, foul morning breath, the faint tinge of body odor that surfaced from his movement under the blanket... what made me find all of this appealing? the goosebumps came in a wave down my neck and across my shoulders. heaven help me. All of the muscles in my body tensed. peeking from under heavy auburn lashes, his eyes reflected the sunlight from the window across his room. i remember sometimes, when he looks at me like this, those mornings i would get to see more than his back heading down the hallway after he opened the door for me... i miss it, those times when he had asked me to come- and damn near taken me on the floor of his parents living room when i did. where did the passion go? even if it was only lust, it was powerful. now i am lying next to him on his tiny twin bed listening to his deepening breathing. he has already forgotten i'm here... i kiss his cheek. every moment is a prayer that things will come back to life, that it will one day it will become more than just sex in the car, or on the driveway, or in a parent less house, or sneaking around into his brother's closet while he's busy getting stoned...or anywhere else that simple, instant, and apparently meaningless gratification can take place without being noticed. To much to hope for. i know it all too well. so i go back to the moment, living in it as if nothing and no one else, even exist. Brown eyes, with gold flecks. hopeless again. Lost in my own head, i had forgotten that he was looking at me. i know what he wants to say, i know he is irritated with me again. just say it already, you want me to leave... i know. "you are beautiful, when you gaze off like that. sometimes i wonder where you go that crazy head of yours." i feel the sadness swelling up inside, but quickly shove the feelings aside. Trying not to hope...