Land of thieves

Fantasy written by Connor Merrifield on Friday 13, February 2009

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Description
just a chapter of a short story i might write. I have now edited it thanks to some comments.

Overall Rating: 81%

This writing has been rated by 3 members, resulting in a rating of 81% overall. Below is a breakdown of these results:

Concept/Plot:81.666666666667%
Imagery:68.333333333333%
Spelling & Grammar:85.333333333333%
Flow/Rhythm:81%
Vocabulary:88.666666666667%
I surveyed my surroundings and choices, one plan crept into the back of my head, and I smiled from my own evil genius. My accomplice and I were trapped inside the King's study, which contained the famous balcony of Remus; the room was lit and my nostrils were blocked with the odour of expensive oils and perfumes, I glanced around the room mainly noticing the knighthood table and the massive columns protruding from the shiny marble floor. The columns were hand crafted showing the t'zar religion's Gods. Another smile crept across my face, what idiot would believe in religion? "Chase! What we gunna' do?" "Shut up, I should never have brought you, you're far too stupid" "*cough*, sorry master, but-"the rustle of heavy boots kindly intervened; this was their exit. Well mine. I grabbed my rather unworthy companion who was still dancing around nervously on his feet and as it fitted in with my rather brilliant plan, I threw him out of the King's balcony (I already had expertise in this but that's a different story). I was gone before the incapable knit-wit even hit the floor, I hid underneath the King's knighthood table (swords were banned from knighthoods since King Pallius slipped and beheaded himself, therefore letters of formal consent were chosen by the following King). The plan worked flawlessly, I saw a flash of silver; the guards were here, now came the fun part. I ventured up behind the table; the guards were clustered around the balcony looking at what appeared to be a small spilling of tomatoes 100 foot below(of course the guards being professionally trained in these types of incidents ,knew exactly was it was)."Eh, you reckon He fell off the balcony or sumthin'?" Mutterings of idiot went around the guards, but quickly passed as, rather heroically in my opinion I rushed up pushing the knighthood table onto its side and pushed them off the balcony before any of them could even move; although one of them managed to get out " I'm hungry can we go now" before they created even more tomato juice. Well I had no time to waste, there's never a short supply of guards. I neatly returned the table to its former place, no need to be messy, and escorted the fortune of jewels which now lay in my bag outside of the castle. As soon as I passed the drawbridge my hood went up, as always and I swept my hair to the side callously. There's always time to look good for the ladies. The city now lay in front of me, cobbled streets strewn with people, Lords and Ladies awaiting their lavish carriages, it really was beautiful, but then again that didn't matter to me. The deed was done, and of course, after every good deed came beer. I headed off crisscrossing my way through some of the narrow backstreets of Remus, which as you can imagine aren't as luxurious as the main streets. Rouges such as myself roamed these streets, although lowly peasants were always in sight. I found my destination approximately 10 metres from where it was last time, the Queens Inn; that's the bad thing about this world, it keeps spinning all the time so you never really know where you are, once I even walked into a brothel and asked for some new boots, although this time thankfully I remembered the crowds of beggars around the outskirts of the Inn as it's located in quite a dingy part of town. The familiar oak doors lead into a world which you'd never think would exist in such a place. Magical fairies flew everywhere and pixies spread their dust, beer was cheap and so was board; but of course I'm joking and what happened next reinforced that fact because as I opened the door, a fist the size of my head nearly broke my nose, but as I'm a quick footed thief I managed to dodge it and use one of my knives to a deadly effect in the same movement. Another heroic moment which calls for a beer I think. As I unconsciously walked further into the pub a friendly voice penetrated my mind and brought me back from my killing frenzy, "Horatio, come, come here my old friend snarled a small goblin (if you have not guessed yet I am a thief and thief's have many names). I was lead to a friendly looking wooden chair near the bar overlooked by the 7 foot giant that owned the pub, never a good place to sit. The Inn was the same as it had been on my last visit, the same old dusty windows which had somehow turned translucent, the same oak benches and tables, which I have to admit came in handy during bar bust-up's and the forever lasting smell of metal and brandy; a good combination if you ask me. The goblin gave me one of its twisted smiles which was never good so I made sure my knife was handy. "I see your accomplice is not here?" "Erm, sadly my late companion met with what you would call an unfortunate accident..." "I see, all the more for us, fortunately thanks to my superb expertise in treasure hunting I have discovered another treasure for you to gain using your, somewhat, rare expertise..." "I don't know about-" "Ha this will make us far richer then you could imagine; we could bathe in gold! Here is the map to where you will find this treasure; all I can tell you now is that it is extremely small and extremely precious". Thankfully the whispered conversation with the goblin ceased and I left the bar for my room, with the map, but more importantly drunk. I awoke some time after dawn due to a horrible headache; it must have been the food. The Queens Inn was different from the last time; I could feel something weird in the air, something brewing. The room which I had been allocated was spacious and homely, not the usual cramped and bare, furthermore I could actually see through the windows in the room, finally they must have hired a cleaner who actually knew her profession. I then noticed the map lying on the single table I had been given, I guessed the Cyclops was still pretty tight on money then. I opened the map, and then nearly fainted. The goblin was an idiot. No-one could reach what the map portrayed. Not even me.
   

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Comments

    Overall, a nice peice of writing. I'm a huge fantasy fan, so I may be a little biased in that respect. I do have a couple of points that need to be looked over.

    Quote

    I headed off crisscrossing my way through some of the narrow backstreets of Remus, I found my destination approximately 10 metres from where it was last time (That's the bad thing about this world, it keeps spinning all the time so you never really know where you are, once I even walked into a brothel and asked for some new boots!), the Queens Inn.


    Ok, this sentance needs to be changed up. Actually, you need to remove the parenthesis and make it three sentances. Maybe more. One part I scored you low on was Imagery.. the reason being is you have very little. This story is much more skeletal plot and relies on the reader knowing about fantasy. Here is a start point for a suggested change:

    Quote

    I headed off crisscrossing my way through some of the narrow backstreets of Remus, I found my destination approximately 10 metres from where it was last time. That's the bad thing about this world, it keeps spinning all the time so you never really know where you are, once I even walked into a brothel and asked for some new boots! Standing in a particularly dingy part of town, where the beggars were everywhere, was the Queens Inn.


    After that I would suggest describing the building a bit. I have no idea what anything looks like, so how do I picture this in my mind? I want to know what it looks like in yours.

    Another point is you have overused your 'Tomato' analogy. Once would suffice.. it gives some humour. But I would refer to it as gore and be a little desrciptive. I see this opening scene as a dark introduction to a dark character.. and you should make it feel more so.
    A good beginning for a longer story. Some formatting inconsistencies. Clean them up and it would help the read a bit. Reminds me a bit of the Grey Mouser, but the character is a bit rougher. Please continue!
    Cool