Her (Opening Portion)
DescriptionReoccuring feelings from the past.
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Her.Have you ever felt that feeling of something missing? That feeling of wanting something but not being able to capture it? Having something but not being able to hold on to it? I once looked at her in the eyes and saw an everlasting fire that was never going to be blown out, but now I look into her eyes and I see a flame that has died and can not be brought to life again. I once held her in my arms and saw not only a beautiful girl, but a girl that was going to lead me to a loving and joy filled life. A girl who was going to hold my hand through the fires of hell. A girl who would not let go just because she would feel empty without me. Now, my hand is empty. I now see life from a new perspective. I now look at life through the eyes of pain and hurt. I look at life through the unforeseen agony of defeat. I see myself falling more and more into the hands of wretchedness. Falling into a life not filled with happiness and smiles, but a life filled with sorrow and pain. Every day I wake up with the loss of another. I wake up wanting more than life can give me. Wanting that one girl there by my side to help me through my pains. I wake up every morning asking God what I did wrong to deserve this. Asking God if there is just someone better out there for me? Is there a more loving, a more faithful, a more wanting girl out there for me? Or am I just supposed to hurt until she comes back? Am I supposed to fail those nine times out of ten, knowing that the tenth time she will be back? I wake up every morning and I ask God what he has in store for me, but yet he remains to never answer. He remains to be an invisible yet abstract form of mind. He remains to never be heard. To never be seen. But yet does he have an answer for me? Will he answer me one day? These questions are all way to far out of reach for one lost soul. They are the questions that keep people asking why they feel the dire need to exist. I experienced life in both senses. I experienced life with everything I ever needed. A life filled with joy. A life filled with that unmistakable feeling of "love". But now I experience life with nothing. I experience a life of sorrow. A life filled with nothing but the horrors of losing that feeling of "love". My life was once very simple. I was living in a dream world. A world where I was once lost in my own dreams and imagination. Where the word "pain" was solely a distant word, only protruding from the mouths of unmoved souls. The goal of my life was to make her happy. It was to walk through the ups and downs of a relationship, while grasping her hand with a tireless grip. But now who do I have to grab on to? Who do I have now to look at every day seeing with my own eyes that God must exist? But again these are all just questions of the mind. They are questions that can not be answered until the time comes. This time can not be foreseen, nor can the love of another. But who is that "other" that can not be seen? I had never been happier. To this day I still have never been happier. What I really came to realize, was the common saying of "You never know how much someone really means to you, till their gone," really is true. She was the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. She was my strength when I was weak, she was my wings when I wanted to fly, and she was my smile when I was down. Everything I do reminds me of her. She whispers in my ear when the wind blows. She kisses my cheek when the rain falls. She pounds in my chest when my heart beats. But where is she now. Again the unanswerable question appears. I saw life worth living and love with no end. I saw a future not only in her, but a future in myself. I saw a glimpse of what they call a "happy" life. Now what kind of life do I live? Now who is the one that I love? Her. Simply Her. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------