I want a guy......

Essay written by PseudoMoniker89 on Friday 9, May 2008

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A sarcastic tear-down of overplayed bulletins detailing overlysweet characteristics of a potential mate.

Overall Rating: 92.3%

This writing has been rated by 2 members, resulting in a rating of 92.3% overall. Below is a breakdown of these results:

Spelling & Grammar:89%
well, actually, that was a lie. Congratulations: you fell for it. Speaking of falling, change one letter and you have failing, which is what I've occupied myself lately. Failing at being able to tolerate these "I want a guy..." bulletins, that is. One could argue that I'm being petty by complaining about them rather taking proactive measures, such as not attempting to digest every sickeningly sweet moticum of festering puppy-love prose. Unfortunately, if I were to do that, I'd have nothing to rant about. This would render me useless to all other bitter reject-ees of "romantica perfectionada," and I just can't have that. What I can do though, is get one thing straight. Love is a wonderful thing. We're designed for it; One does not need a deep, inherent understanding of human psychology (or psychology of any species for that matter) to conclude that love is natural, attraction is pre-programmed, and regardless of education, peer influences or modern day culture, we would somehow end up repopulating ourselves and being with other people in some way. The only time I have beef is when I resent Bessy for not coming home, and when idealistic, syntax-challenged teens decide to bare all about their desires in the opposite sex without having their pictures as compensation for their syrupy romantic fantasies. Playboy's motto: "read the articles." Mine: "selective dyslexia is a wonderful thing." Seeing as said dyslexia only comes around whenever I need it, let me read into this a little more. These bulletins are re-posted as often as things far too overplayed, much like Christmas music. The only difference is they're a little different each time. To start off, they say they want a guy who: "Would call 9 times a day if I went away" I can think of 9 reasons that would annoy the hell out of anyone, but I need fewer than that to get my point across. Lesson number one of successful dating: stalking and obsessive behavior are big no-nos. Furthermore, I can guarantee you the only reason this girl (I assume she's female) came up with this is that she is attention-starved, or cannot keep a phone away from her surely burned ear long enough to have an actual relationship devoid of radio frequencies and electrical interference. Gentlemen, I defy you to do this and not have a dial tone on the other end within just a few moments. In addition, they also want a guy who: "Would chase after me if I ever run away from him" Once again with the stalking, only this time with more movement. Just try it fellas; you'll be in the latest "Don't tase me bro!" video faster than you can say.......well, "Don't tase me bro!" This is not to mention the discrimination to those of us less physically inclined. I found this one particularly interesting: "I want a boy who, when he holds my hand, can't help but play with my fingers" I understand this one about as much as I can comprehend pi having value, but not flavour. How is that romantic? Holding hands is, yes, but finger playing? It just sounds disturbing. If anyone can explain it to me, with a reason I'll see as valid (good luck), I'll hold your hand in line at the mall and make all the other girls jealous. I extend this offer to all genders just to stir up some controversy, seeing as the only thing I seem to stir nowadays is coffee for tight-pocketed locals with no Tim Hortons nearby. What's this all about?: "A boy who will play video games with me" Since when, might I ask, have guys refused to engage in the fine art of interactive gaming with female companions? In addition to that, isn't a major complaint of most women, that they are playing second fiddle to something less fun in the shower? Ladies, please. Find something a little more realistic, or at least romantic, seeing as that was your inspiration for writing these excuses for heavy doses of Listerin--*ahem*, I mean, bulletins, in the first place. Last, but certainly not least: "A boy who's intelligent and won't make me feel like I'm talking to a brick wall" ............................................................................. huh? Oh, so sorry. I was busy laying bricks. Come back later when I have time for you. To sum it all up, romance and love are wonderful. I just find these bulletins to be repetitve and increasingly annoying, especially when the "authors" know nothing of true love or circumstance, and such crushes they may have more than likely have a less than two month shelf-life. There are exceptions; I cannot speak for anyone but myself. But when I do, I say that all these things in a man could easily be used as excuses for ending such relationships, so I'd advise you take a lesson from reality. Look for a guy who'll treat you nicely, but not like a fairytale princess. Because God knows, a guy like that will end up stealing your husband before the day is through.

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    Your points about unrealistic "bulletins ...too overplayed..." are clear and interesting! Your summary is a nice realistic wrap including the words "bulletins repetitive and annoying when 'authors' (seem to) know nothing about true love....." and "look for a guy who'll treat you nicely, but not like a fairytale princess".

    The only question/suggestion I have(and maybe it's just me) is could you maybe expand with words on the meaning of your last line of ".....this guy will end end up stealing your husband...."? Are you saying that if a person treats a partner like a fairytale princess that there is a possibility that this nice person may be bisexual? Perhaps you have an enlightening view about folks who treat a partner like a fairytale princess? (I'm a liberal, and I am open minded about many views.)

    Good luck in your writing!
    I've gotten to the point that I don't even read bulletins unless I know it is something valid coming from someone who actually thinks before posting them. I've read so many of the bulletins about which you are ranting and have felt the same way. I just never said it as eloquently as you.

    That being said, there are a few mistakes in this. Watch out for the dread comma! You have it in a few places where it's not needed. I tend to do the same thing, so I'm sensitive to the placement of the comma. Also: "The only time I have beef is when I resent Bessy for not coming come..." Did you mean coming home?

    I'm curious. What was the reaction to this when you posted it?
    Hey guys, thank you very much for your input.

    Gray, yes, you are correct. The fairytale princess line is me subtly saying that a guy who'd do all this for you is most likely gay.

    Myth, thanks using "eloquent" in reference to me; that's something I like being called that. Wink

    Also, good point about the comma. I'll have to re-read and clip a few out. Yes, come HOME, not come come. Sounds vaguely x-rated come to think about it. Pardon the pun.

    It got some "AWESOME!" comments, and one "your note is ok." which I found a little odd. Either you like it or you don't; there's little middle ground I should think.
    Oops, I meant "thanks for using 'eloquent'"
    Wow, I really do make a lot of typos it seems. Take out the "that" after "like being called."

    Okay, I think I caught it all now. LOL.