For myself at the age of sixteen

Last updated on 8 years ago
zisianthus
zisianthus Posted 8 years ago
Hello! I am a newcomer here Wink. I am so happy to find the Den as I've always hoped to find friends who love writing and can help me improve my writing. I have just tried to compose my very first sonnet poem, following "O thou my lovely boy" by Shakespeare (http://www.types-of-poetry.org.uk/o-t...ly-boy.htm). Thanks to Astarte and Flickeringfairy, I have got enough encouragement to post it here. Your comments will be very much appreciated. Thank you! Smile


For myself at the age of sixteen

My girl of sixteen, had I some magic power,
I"™d travel back in time to see you, a little flower.
You"™d be sitting there by the window wishing
Upon a twinkling star, "What am I missing?"
Jealous of me, you might be, and that"™s fine;
That I"™ve found my true love and had a new life.
Prettier, wiser, you see, I"™ve become
As for sad and happy adventures; well, I"™ve had some.
Yet I daren"™t tell you what"™s lying ahead
What"™d bring you heart breaks, and happiness instead.
For your soul, the source of happiness, is nurtured
In your beautiful fantasies that I treasure.
What I wish to say, my girl, is "Be happy!
Open your heart, and enjoy whatever it is."


I wonder if the last two lines make a good couplet. Should they be:

What I wish to say, my girl, is "Let it be!
Open your heart, and enjoy whatever it is."

Or they are just fine.
Don Roble
Don Roble Posted 8 years ago
What I wish to say, my girl, is "Let it be!
Open your heart, and enjoy whatever it is."


This reads better; it's more in line with the flow of what went before it. My opinion.
last edited by Don Roble on 28-01-2011 22:12
astarte
astarte Posted 8 years ago
I agree with Don. I think it sounds better that way.
zisianthus
zisianthus Posted 8 years ago
Thank you Don and Astarte! Then I'll replace "Be happy!" with "Let it be!"

One of my friends finds "and happiness instead" (in "What'd bring you heart breaks, and happiness instead") not logical. Could you please tell me if it sounds ok to you, or should I revise it? Thanks!
last edited by zisianthus on 31-01-2011 16:04
LyraMidnight28
LyraMidnight28 Posted 8 years ago

Quote

zisianthus wrote:
Thank you Don and Astarte! Then I'll replace "Be happy!" with "Let it be!"

One of my friends finds "and happiness instead" (in "What'd bring you heart breaks, and happiness instead") not logical. Could you please tell me if it sounds ok to you, or should I revise it? Thanks!


Sounds brilliant, You have a talent and should continue to let shine through.
LyraMidnight28
LyraMidnight28 Posted 8 years ago
This is a brilliant poem and think you have talent so continue to let it be recognised.
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